WWYD?

My sds grandma (moms side )is having a surprise bday party in June . The weekend of my daughter’s kindergarten graduation. Problem is they live 6 hours away and sd wants us to go . I think it’s nice that she still has an innocent mindset where she thinks she has a “happy” family where we can get along . We (husband and bm ) are barely civil and basically tolerate each other because we have to . I personally think it’s doing the most to travel that far then have to get a hotel etc . I get the logic but at the same time in my opinion if it’s not anything specifically for my sd such as her graduation or her bday I personally don’t feel like i should need to go. Bm is manipulative in saying things like “see we try to include them in things but they don’t put in effort” um my SDs grandma is not part of coparenting . She says things like that then infers that’s the only way that she won’t make our lives miserable by telling sd horrible things about us . Honestly if they lived close by I wouldn’t mind going just to show face but making it a whole weekend trip is not in my interests . I’d rather do something to celebrate my daughter graduating kindergarten . Yea I know it’s “just kinder” but that’s how I feel . Is that wrong ?

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Who’s birthday is being celebrated? How old is step daughter? Do you have your step daughter that weekend or does her mom have her?

@Kelsey Step daughter’s grandma on her mom’s side . No it’s not our weekend . She’s 12

Honestly I don’t think your explanation of why you don’t want to go should have anything to do with your daughter’s graduation. Unless both sides of the family get along really well and everyone is friends, that isn’t something I would ever consider going to even if it was local. If it was me, I would explain to my SD how she is a part of our family, but the rest of her family is not a part of my family, and that’s okay. It just means she gets to have two families that love her.

So if it's not ur weekend u are just going to have to let her go and u and ur husband celebrate ur daughter. Do something with SD and ur daughter when she gets back. If it was ur weekend then I would say absolutely not let her go.

I agree with Kelsey. Whyyyyy would you be going to her nans - mums side. Birthday. She’s 12. She’s old enough to understand.

@Kelsey yea her mom is super high conflict.. fills her head with negative things and if we don’t go then she tells sd how we don’t try to be apart of her life beyond what she is legal visitations

@Chelsea it’s not our weekend so we have no reason to go especially if it’s not specifically for sd

@Hollie agreed . I just wanted the reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable

Definitely not being unreasonable at all! I think over time you just have to let actions speak for themselves, just keep loving on your SD and showing her you care and hope that in time she realizes that the things her mom tells her about you guys are not the truth.

@Kelsey yea I try to find a balance but I also want to set a boundary . It’s not fair when everything is so one sided . I get that sd hates the drive to see us but also her mom is the one who moved away . I really hate that I say “that’s not our fault” but it’s the truth . And I don’t feel like we should have to do all these extra things . When it’s her bday yea we made the trip out there . When she graduated kinder yea . When she gets promoted for high school of course we will be there but that’s for her specifically .

I'm sorry but I would feel super weird going to my step daughters mom's moms bday lol. Even if it was down the street. And it's not even the weekend you have her. She's 12, she should understand that especially if your other little girl has something special that weekend. Explain it to her like that's not your mom or her dad's mom, that's her mom's extended family and you don't want to miss her sisters graduation, just like you would never want to miss any of her special things. It's about the kids.

@Jen yea it’s hard when she only hears the things her mom tells her … then we’re always seen as the bad guys . Then on sd next visit , sd hates us :(

Eek that sucks. We know from our SD that her mom is manipulative and says stuff a lot about her dad/us...but thankfully my SD does not fall for it and actually prefers us over her because she is not very affectionate and can be manipulative. My SD knows who will give her the love she deserves.

@Jen unfortunately we haven’t gotten to that point yet . She believes anything her mom tells her and it’s really frustrating. It’s really hard . Even if it’s my sds cousins bday and we don’t go , sd is told abc and then she has a whole breakdown and excuses to why she doesn’t want to come over . I’m sure hormones aren’t helping either . We’ve tried to set the boundaries of two separate families but it created more disconnect for sd . Idk what to do anymore . If we don’t give in then sd hates us . Wants nothing to do with us . If we give in, then we’re all fine until the next bday or party they have where if we don’t do what they want when they want then we’re back on the shit list

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