Crying in bed right now

Married, had 3 kids 3 and under. I am totally overwhelmed my husband to me currently feels like a “man child” (guilty for thinking this but whatever), he works and i stay home he does music so his “work” is moreso his hobby and choice and honestly Good for him many ppl can’t make Money doing what he does so he found a way temporarily to do it and have it be lucrative, but he’s tired of that life now apparently And is now starting a business; and he doesn’t believe in traditional jobs, so he’s an entrepreneur and that requires much of his time energy and focus to build from the ground up this NEW venture he’s after; but he often uses that against me saying I stay home w the kids and that’s MY job and he still has to come home and “help me when I can’t handle it” and if I “complain” he says I resent him ! He says things like this often, and basically I feel like a robot he expects to do a task and feel/say nothing. If I am too tired for sex (just had our third 14 weeks ago) then he says he feels I don’t like him and all that jazz. I NEVER CRY. Or talk to ANYONE honestly or openly. I have so much fear surrounding telling anyone the truth of my feelings bc of the conditioning i was put under during our tumultuous beginning of the relationship (we got married bc I got pregnant w our first basically so you can fill in the blanks of how toxic our union started out- he was giving huge selfish vibes, unrealistic expectations, extremely judgmental, tripping acid taking mushrooms searching for his “spiritual awakening”-lol Never found it in THAT stuff btw-just made him hate reality and paranoid end of the worldish, was so full of himself, very demanding constantly, “men are superior, women are servile” vibes okay? Idk If that makes sense?—in his defense he was “on his journey” and also he was 22 when we met so like, yeahhhhhh he is not the same now, outgrown the drugs and the weirdo life thankfully) Anyway we’ve had so many good amazing times since that horrible chapter ended, and we fell (and fall) in love over and over again as marriage often goes, and we care deeply for one another as friends not just married people but we are best friends we laugh together we raise the babies we aim to respect and serve one another (our motto is “how can I out-serve her/him today”) we love our family we’ve made, and each other most of the time, it’s just like I often ask myself Am I making all of this up and it’s actually just me doing/feeling all this, making it up In my head, or protecting what I wish things were actually or stuffing myself Down so far that I’ve become just a fake version of ME to please him and “keep The peace” and never risk going back to the bad times and I’m like lying to myself? Bro I literally don’t know….am I living in some weird alternate reality or something? Nobody is me so nobody is having MY experience but like we turned everything around so well, and I’m older than him, while he is in his late twenties…. So I get he has. A lot of maturing to do, but like HE FEELS like he can’t balance it all and he’s drowning so he projects on to me! When I’m the one keeping everything GOOD AT HOME. All our family paperwork kids appts rent any repairs to the house all bills tracking the children rearing and I feel like I am drowning. I’m raising little people and hoping to get it right, that’s enough on its own. And I just can’t breathe. We had an argument tonight where he was saying “I’m about to have to start working crazy and ima afraid you’ll resent me” that’s how this all started. Anyway sorry this doesn’t make sense. I love and am grateful to my husband, but honestly it’s a lot….. I am just pent up bc I never let it out and have no one to talk to, even when ppl offer I smile and say life is great. I literally take an ice bath 4 days a week (YouTube it), i do breathing techniques for stress daily, I eat well (sometimes I indulge on sugar a bit during stressful times - rather than drink or smoke - which I didn’t ever rly partake in regardless) I pray daily, and take my faith life/habits seriously too. Like, i don’t know what else to do??????? I don’t know why I’m cracking like thisssssssss????? I want to run away sometimes???? VERY UNLIKE ME. But, I am angry and sad. Wish I could give more context about the Past the things in our relationship that traumatized me and I forgave and stayed, but it would take forever….. anyway. Say a little prayer for your girl. Thanks.