I feel like a terrible mum

I have two daughters, 21m and 8wks. I love them both so much and I am failing them. My 8wk old won't settle on anyone other than me, she refuses dummys and is EBF. My toddler is full on toddler-ing. I also have a dog. My house is a mess. I'm talking MESS. My eldest is demanding so much attention (as she should) but I am failing to give her what she needs. She is front of the TV all the time and I feel awful. As soon as I turn off the TV, she has a full on tantrum. She then climbs all over my sofa and windowsill. I will feed her breakfast but as soon as I have mine, she is climbing all over me trying to get to it. Brushing teeth is similar to wrestling a fall blown sumo wrestler. Toys everywhere. If I put 8wk old down, then I may have 15 mins and most often that's spent trying to get changed for the day if I haven't already. I give up on brushing my teeth in the morning which is disgusting. Going to the toilet is me in my downstairs toilet, door wide open so I can see them all. If I put my baby on her play mat, I have to put dog behind stairgate (my dog would never attack anyone but is not spacially aware) who will then cry and howl because she hates not being in same room as me. I have tried baby wearing - it helps to a degree but not when you are trying to cope with a toddler or dog. I can't lift them as I am wearing baby. I can't bend over to pick things up and I'm way too scared to cook with heat wearing her. Then last night my partner (who luckily does all the cooking for dinner) said that he wondered if I could do one lot of cooking while in London and I wanted to cry. There is no way. My kitchen is tiny and I can't see the living room where my toddler, dog and baby could be. Or my toddler would be clawing at my legs asking to eat the raw meat and my baby screaming as I'm not holding her. I felt like a failure and got mad at him and said "could you do that on your own" and he said he could. I snapped that he could do it this evening while I had some space to myself then. His answer was he would just let them cry it out while he cooked. How can anyone cope with the sensory overload of crying - all noise is nails on a chalkboard to me right now. I call my family everyday to come over and help and I breathe a sigh of relief when they are here. I quite often just sit on the sofa on my phone trying to shut the world out when they arrive as I am at my utter max. And then get cross with myself for not getting on top of other things. I know there are mums that can do all this and can handle themselves. I can't and I feel so so so sad. I feel like I'm letting my babies down.

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You sound like a committed, caring mother and this phase does pass, I have been there with the 2u2 and 2 dogs and the messy house and it is so overstimulating! You are not alone, you are not a failure, it’s just your job to keep everyone safe and happy is extremely hard!! Don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing you’re best and really that’s all your family needs 🤍 xx

You have to remember that you can’t be everything to everyone and do everything all at the same time. I have a 10 week old and a 23 month old… I definitely have to use screen time more than I like. Best advice I could give… -Toddler proof as much as possible so you don’t have to have eyes on your toddler at all times, you’ll know they’ll be safe when you’re busy with dog/baby -get the baby a higher chair/ bouncer so they are out the way of the dog and toddler. I got one called babymoove I think off fb mp for £30. It’s been to helpful to have baby higher up, especially when cooking! -maybe try another wrap/carrier… I use a ring sling but can’t use both arms very well with it, my friend just gifted me another carrier called koala cuddle band and it’s actually been amazing! It allows me to have both arms free, with babies head fully supported for bending and picking up toddler too. -get out the house everyday just for fresh air it always makes you feel better

Nothing to me here, sounds like you are doing an awful job. You are just trying to find your feet. This will come in time. Give yourself GRACE mummy and if you need to reach out to family and friends ask them. Don't be afraid to ask for help x

-if you have a garden chuck the toddler out there for a bit of independent play while you’re busy with other things. My boy plays for hours pottering about outside with a bucket and compost with the hose. -use the quieter moments to do a chore, washing up, laundry, prep dinner. I often find it’s easier to cook dinner in the morning as it tends to be calmer than the afternoon - if all else fails remember its not the end of the world to let baby cry and toddler run a muck if it allows you to brush your teeth and get changed ! The world’s not going to end and you’ll feel better for it. ❤️ But I fully agree with you, the days are so overstimulating with noise. My head is always buzzing xx

It’s hard having 2 little ones we have a 20 month and a 3 month old and 2 dogs. Things that I have found help are. Having places to put everyone. We have a high chair and bouncy chair in the kitchen so I can cook/ meal prep/ feed toddler. Have the bassinet downstairs and a baby gate on the front room so I can leave the toddler in the front room and baby in bassinet if I need a few mins to answer the door go to the loo chuck a wash on. I baby wear a lot it helps with naps and crying and giving me some time with our toddler. Getting outside is a reset my toddler loves running round burning off his energy or going on a walk on a bear hunt or trying to find a gruffalo or looking at the ducks. It is not easy and on the days where I get help it is definitely a lot easier, on days where I don’t I’m exhausted by the end. It feels like it’s never ending but try and remind myself it went so fast with my first and is going even faster with my second. It’s a phase. You are doing amazing

Military wife here. I have a 2 year old and an almost 5 month old. It gets easier. You’re not a failure. You’re still in survival mode. Newborns take a ton of work. Toddlers take a ton of work. Putting them together is rough man. But the baby gets bigger. The toddler does too. Everyone adjusts. They start to have their own relationship too which is fun. Just the other day my baby was starting to cry because I put her down so I could deal with my crazy ass dogs. And my toddler went over to her and said “hey baby, what’s the matter?” And started making faces at her and silly noises. And guess what. The baby started to laugh. My toddler did that. I didn’t do anything. lol. Let your toddler watch all the tv. It won’t last forever. They will be playing together soon. Life is full of phases man. Remember how fast it went with your first? Just buckle up and take the ride lol.

My oldest will turn three in July and the past few months we’ve been walking screen time back (still a show here and there, but not as much) and reclaiming our house (still messy, but not quite as bad) so I’m just here as a person coming out the other side of that total chaos to tell you the cliché of “it gets better” is true. Many of us are doing a job solo that was intended to be done by a whole community. You’re keeping your kids safe and as healthy as possible and you will all come through the other side of this intense moment.

You're not a failure. You're doing amazing. It's great you can ask people to come over and help. Keep asking for it. No shame in help be it hired or not. Forget about the messy house. It can wait or hubby can help / hire someone to come weekly and get everything caught up. My cleaner is $30/ hour and she's here for 2 hours every 2 weeks right now. She does anything that looks like it needs done or anything extra I ask. I'd highly recommend getting outside for even a 10 minute walk when the family comes to help. Rather than sit on the couch. That exercise and fresh air will do wonders for your mood and energy. You're in the trenches with a newborn mama! Give yourself grace. It'll get easier with time.

Or even get outside and sit somewhere for 10 mins on your phone. Then you're not listening to them and can really shut it out for a few minutes

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