Am I asking too much to have my husband help me do a general pick up/clean up of the house once the kids are in bed?

When he makes comments, remind him how reasonable it is. You seem to both agree it would be great if he could help clean up. But also remind him that the queen isn't coming for tea and the house is for the people who live in it, not a random person that might need to come inside for some reason. You have kids, it's not a show home.... You know you don't need to be killing yourself picking up toys that are going to just going to come out again tomorrow. Let him do it a couple of times and figure that out for himself.

if he wants the house to be cleaner he can clean it himself 🙄 i’m annoyed for you

Girl I’m going through the same exact thing. I’m sorry you’re going through it. Talking about the problem doesn’t help in my case, he says he’ll do better and never does. I don’t have advice or anything, but I hope your husband gets it together and starts helping you. The way I see it - the kids and house are your job while he is at work. Once he is home, the kids and house are a shared responsibility. He should be helping keep up with the housework when he’s home. If you don’t get to stop cleaning then neither should he. I’ve told my husband that I’m not his maid, but I’m still treated like one. I don’t know what to do, I’m so mentally and physically drained. I hope your husband comes to his senses and starts helping you (Sorry for using your post as a mini vent about my own problems, I really do hope it gets better for you 🫶)

You're a stay at home parent, not a professional housekeeper! You both live there so the chores are both of your responsibility. How would the cleaning get done if he lived alone? This guy needs to sort himself out!

I think it's shitty that he makes comments like that but doesn't bother helping keep it clean. My husband is almost always at work except when he's home to sleep my situation is slightly different but my mindset has become "I'll clean it when I clean it". I do what I want, when I want. If he's gonna bitch about something then he can do it himself. But he would never because he knows not to lol don't stress yourself about cleaning. A house is meant to be lived in. There are gonna be messes because you have tiny humans learning how to human. If someone that comes over doesn't like it, then they can leave and go to their own tidy home. Thats my opinion anyway lol 😊😊

@Caroline I've actually said that to him before. He's never lived by himself. He went from living at home (his mom is like obsessed with clean, almost yo an ocd point) to living with me where I was used to doing the cleaning. He's never had to actually take care of his own stuff, and it shows.

Oof, that's a bit sad tbh. It depends when you met of course but not being able to take of himself would've been a big red flag and massive ick to me. Could you go away for a weekend? Or even just a day? Leave him with all the stuff to do and see how he finds it. Even if you take the kids with you he'd start to realise how much mess he himself makes. And that there aren't magic cleaning fairies 😆

Whew…idk how yall do it. I hate that for yall…seriously. We wouldn’t even have kids because this is a whole red flag to me!

@Alison my parents, and my friends don't mind the mess. My mom stayed at home with us (5 kids) and homeschooled us. So chaos is pretty normal, and my friends all have children so it doesn't phase them. But if any of his friends or family are going to come over he wants to have the house looking perfect (more so for his parents). He will help clean up when they are coming over, but it isn't a proper clean, it's like a panic clean.

I'm in the same boat so I get it , my husband also goes out and he works everyday but he will expect me to take care of his children when he's home on the weekends when he's with his children and just expects me to take care of them . Don't get me wrong I do but the responsibility shouldn't just be all mine .

Why would you think you’re asking too much when he signed on to be your partner and that’s part of it? Baby your job isn’t to clean up after a grown ass man who is more than capable of helping. And it’s shit because as a mother you can’t be burnt out taking care of everyone else, not being taken care of, then being expected to be this ray of sunshine. Honestly I’d saying something to him about how you feel but also don’t hold your breath. After you see how he moves when you do tell him, if he’s not fixing it please don’t waste your time there 😩 start thinking about you and your happiness. Regardless of what’s going on with him. He should be able to communicate if there’s something off with him. It’s not your job to coddle a grown man who won’t hold himself accountable. Not saying that’s what he’s doing just putting that out there

@Mrs. Jasmine exactly! He gets home and just sits on the couch on his phone. I have to actually say "honey, this is time you should be spending with the kids", "kiddo is asking for you", "you need to put the phone down and be present with them, its almost time for bed and you're missing precious time with them". But the one day that I've been completely spent and I'm playing a game on my phone he points out that I need to put it down. 😪 its like I can't win.

@Layah I wonder if I'm asking too much since he works outside the home, and technically the home and raising the kids is my job. I know majority of the housework falls on me as the at home parent, but his comments make me question if I'm really supposed to be doing it all for everyone. If I'm not good enough as a homemaker.

Yea I hear you on that way , I do things around the house all day , including when the kids aren't here just to make it suitable for them when they are , so that their safe , comfortable , protected and taken care of . He doesn't do anything but also be on his phone and doesn't spend time with them. I've got a 4 year old daughter and I remember telling my husband when my child wasn't home how I'd be killing to do something with my daughter right now if I could and I want those moments but with him it seems like he could care less.

I read this to my husband and he says “your husband is an ass 😂 there’s no reason that whenever he’s home from work that the responsibility of cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, and cooking etc shouldn’t be split 50/50. If a husband gets home from work and there is still tasks that need to get done around the house there is no reason the wife should have to do it while the husband relaxes. The husband should be helping the wife with any tasks that weren’t able to get done throughout the day. Then when all tasks are completed together, the husband and wife should be able to relax together. There should never be a time where the wife should have to work around the house while the husband does nothing. The idea that the wife should have to do all the housework and take care of the kids is toxic.” My addition as a wife who loves her husband is that I try to designate times for my husband to relax and he does the same for me. My husband works 60 hours a week and goes to college

-and he still helps when I need it. Not because I make him but because he loves me and understands what I’m doing all day IS work and it’s hard for me to do it 100% alone. He’s more than a paycheck. He is a father and a husband. We are PARTNERS

Omg sis no. You do know that you’re not the only one who’s responsible for “making your home” right? I think we need to evaluate if being a good homemaker is being a slave to your partner or just a good homemaker. And maybe evaluate what your used to seeing the women in your life do. Unfortunately because of a lot of us watching our mothers slave away to our family it becomes second nature by the time we have our own. And clearly you’re unhappy doing it by yourself. You ain’t asking for too much your just asking the wrong one. Maybe now it’s time to focus on your needs mama and your child’s needs. U can’t force anyone to be a good partner or father and you shouldn’t have to force a man to be present with his children. Coming from someone who left they’re bd because our son could be sitting right in his face calling his fathers name and nothing. Dude was so tuned into his phone he didn’t even notice my baby call his name multiple times.

@Melanie I've tried to explain that exact concept to him before. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I've used almost those exact words. The way your husband worded it is the same way my parents have done it. My dad was always super helpful around the house and with us even though my mom was at home with us. I've tried to explain it to him, but he responds with something along the lines of "we were raised differently, that may be your normal but it isn't mine", to which I respond with "can't we create a new normal then?", "I guess so". But nothing ever really changes. My husband also works a lot too, usually 50 hours a week, but during spring and fall (busy season) he's more like 75 hours a week. I try not to make him do anything during busy season, but during the rest of the time it's like I have to literally have to mother him.

Not only that. If he thinks brining in an income is the only thing he needs to do he is smoking crack. Let’s break this down, your a chef, a homemaker, a maid (just a tiny bit hehe), a live in nanny… and whatever else you do in your house that he benefits from. Especially when you’re dealing with the kids?!? Babes I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this, and I say it with love. We may need to up our standards. As a woman in todays time you don’t need his money. And not to sound mean but genuinely he sounds like a waste of space and energy in your life

You are not crazy. You are not asking too much. You’re not asking enough. My husband says this is what he would say if he was talking to your husband: “marriage in itself is like uprooting from your current circumstances and family and how you were raised and starting a new life with your wife and current/future kids. The idea of a marriage is that you are creating new normals and new habits to create the healthiest version of yourself and your relationship. When life gets busy that’s when your wife needs you most. Having a one and a three year old is in no way easy and can be a huge strain mentally. All work that needs to get done should get done together. That way there is more time for family relaxation and bonding. Your wife and kids need you more than you realize.” And I’d add that because he loves you and his kids he should WANT to help you and be there for you and NOT a burden

We’re on a road trip right now so that’s why my husband is giving his two cents 😂 I’m giving him the tea and he’s responding

Who’s the 12%???

@Layah my husband does the same thing! Our 3 year old can be screaming "daddy!" over and over, and he won't look up from his phone until I yell his name. He fully admits he couldn't do what I do. 15 minutes of hungry kids screaming at him and he hits his limit and needs to walk away. I've reminded him several times that I don't get to walk away when I'm overwhelmed, because they aren't big enough to be left unsupervised. I don't have someone else to come rescue me when things go wrong or someone spills something. I just have to handle it. I think he takes me and all that I do for granted. We are actually in therapy for several different things, and I've noticed some changes so far. So maybe there is hope 🤞

The more detail you share the more disgraceful he sounds. Why are you even with this loser? If he thinks all he needs to do is provide an income then I'd be suggesting that he can do that through child support. You're already doing everything - you may as well rid yourself of this man child to clean up after as well 🫠 I'm not saying definitely leave him. But do have a serious conversation with him about what he's bringing to the table because it's woefully little. You're doing so much more than you should be in a partnership.

@Caroline we met in high school, started dating in early teens, and bought our first house in our early 20s. So it wasn't a red flag since we were both so young when we got started. I also have been a massive people pleaser my entire life, so it's my own fault that I set this standard. 😪 I've gone out for the day a couple times, leaving him a minor list. Like do a load of laundry and feed the kids. Simple. He calls me after 2 hours asking what to feed them, how much to give them, do they get milk or juice (water with a splash of something for flavor) with their meals, etc.

@Melanie I don't mind! He's giving me some phrases to use the next time I bring this up.

I realize I'm late to the conversation and also realize I might get some backlash for this comment. But let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt. @incognito I'm not saying you are asking too much, I believe it is perfectly reasonable for both people in a relationship to contribute to the household. And just cause he's bringing in most of not all of the money, doesn't exempt him from cleaning sometimes. So benefit of the doubt for him...it sounds like you two are fairly young? Young 20s? I'm 36 my husband is 50 and we talk about it all of the time....if we met when we were younger, we probably wouldn't have liked each other 😂 and now we are the most in love people we know. Anyway, he has told me that something happens in mans mind when they are young, when they realize the financial burden depends on them. And for my husband, that didn't happen until he was about 30! So it sounds like you AND your husband are both feeling overwhelmed with this new role of being parents and partners.

I guess my suggestion to you is to write down EVERYTHING that needs to be done in the house. And delegate it out to each of you. It's ok if your side of the list is a bit longer. But he needs to have some things on the list.

This is what works for my husband and I and has for a few years. And he knows that acts of service is one of my top love languages, so every so often he'll help me some of the things on my side of the list

@Meagan I really appreciate the benefit of the doubt. That was kind of why I made the post. I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable or not. Actually, I'm 30 and he is 28, which is still considered very young for having been married for going on 6 years (together for almost 14 total) and having 2 kids. That's part of the disconnect we're having. He knows that acts of service is one of my top love languages. We've discussed it in detail during therapy. I expressed that I was super grateful for the one time he washed bottles without being asked, the therapist told him "look at her, she's glowing over something super easy and simple to accomplish". He said he would definitely be doing it again but never did. That was 4 months ago.

You shouldn’t have to ask he should just know!

@Lyss that's a lot of information to take it, but thank you for posting it. I'm glad it's in picture format so it's easier to remember.

@Lyss after taking time to read through all the pictures you posted, and thinking about it all, I think I may have partly figured it out. I stated previously that we are in therapy for several other things, and I have noticed changes he's made, so I know he cares. But everything you outlined here describes his mom more than him. I think he grew up dealing with this kind of behavior and hasn't figured out that it isn't normal. He's taken on some of her behaviors and mentalities, because he didn't used to be as bad as he is now, and she has become almost unbearable to be around since we had our children. Constantly questioning our life choices and telling us that we aren't making good decisions, trying to tell my husband how he should feel about a situation, etc. Maybe if I can get him to see her toxic patterns, he will realize he shouldn't be copying it. Any advice on how to bring up a touchy subject like his mother? They are very very close (like total mommy's boy, it's been an issue in the past).

@Cass easier said than done. Everyone doesn’t “just know” especially if that isn’t your background. Assuming helps no one. Now, since she has verbalized, the accountability IS on him. But I’m just saying in general, this can be harmful to relationships when either party comes with a “you should just know” mindset. Everyone isn’t afforded those qualities in their life journey.

Just to say I accidentally clicked ‘that’s your job’ as I wasn’t looking at my phone, but that’s not true at all, he should definitely still help too!

So it sounds like there is a chance he’s enmeshed with his mother. As someone who had a narcissistic mom… I used to not think my mom was abusive until I had kids myself. Just realizing as a parent that what my mom told me to do for parenting didn’t feel natural. It felt wrong. And it was cuz my mom was a narc. It’s hard you cuz can’t just outright say to him your mom is toxic. You have to kinda drop little seeds… like what she did was not ok cuz it crossed a boundary… little things like that and see how he reacts. There’s a chance that he will see it and want to do better. Therapy for him alone would be beneficial because growing up with a narcissistic parent it does a lot of emotional damage to us that therapy needs to resolve. But you also have to keep in the back of your mind. He may just end up following her footsteps. People with narcissistic parents can go either way. They repeat the patterns or they don’t want anyone else to suffer the way that we suffer and we’re highly

Empathetic. Because of all the trauma we received in childhood. I know he’s young still but there’s a chance that he may not be receptive unfortunately. He has to want to change. To want to do better. You can drop hints and try to guide him, but if he’s not interested, there’s not much you can do.

Asking a grown man to cleanup after himself is not a big ask. Regardless of if you are a SAHM or not, you are not HIS mom, and he is an adult. He can pickup after himself. My partner and I both do so in our home and I’ve occasionally cleaned up after he’s made dinner if he does so that night because he either was working that day and is tired or just to be nice because he cooked and I didn’t- but otherwise, you are NOT asking too much!