Struggling to accept my partner’s child

Hey hun as a new mum to my LG who is 11 weeks and have two step children who are 11 and 3 i completely get what you're saying about how difficult it is to connect with him. However the connection issue is not his fault im sure like you hes not to happy coming from a "brocken home" so to speak and its probably not been easy for him. Your daughter certainly does not need to grow thinking that all families are like this and apologies but i dont agree with your statement about setting her "standards high", her big brother might be one of the people she turns to later as she grows, i hope my little one will turn to her brother and sister who love her unconditionally and are very overprotective. Im sharing this as i know how hard my 11 year old step daughter finds having a "brocken home" and how hard it must be for her to see her daddy raising another little girl that isn't her but she takes it all in her stride, hope it gets easier for you xx

I’m going to be brutally honest. Without judgement But the child is 10 so it’s not like it’s a new baby his just had with someone, you had these feeling before and I don’t believe you should be in a relationship with someone if you cannot and do not treat their children like your own. Lots of issues will always arise from this, I believe you should talk to your partner. And have a deep talk with yourself P.s that will always be your child’s “step” brother and even if your not with the dad the three of them will always have a connection

Yeah having a step child is a big big deal and you should have gotten into the relationship 1000 percent happy with the situation of having a step son. I’d say just try to Connect. If likes games play with him , talk to him. It may help you

@Momma Shaka absolutely, i love my step children and knew that if i wanted things to work with my partner i had to accept his other two babies hence why i was completely comfortable having a baby with him and im glad sbe has her step siblings xx

@Tammy thank you so much for giving me the other side perspective. This little boy knows nothing else as my partner and his mother slit up when he was too young to remember something else but I agree with you that possibly he doesn’t like being from a broken home. Also I agree that my statement about high standards might have been a bit unfair and what I’m thinking more is to be aware about protection and not think oh my dad had an unplanned kids that’s ok. I really hope my daughter and his son will grow up to have a strong relationship although I even find this hard for me to encourage. It’s not the boys fault at no point, it is the situation that bothers me. I always imagined having a family and possibly now doesn’t not fit in my silly boxes. Gosh I might sound like a proper monster x

@Momma Shaka thank you for your honesty. I agree with you that lots of issues will arise as they have already done. Hence me looking for another perspective or something that could show me I’m being silly (not that I don’t know). The worst bit is that I have no clue where all this could stem from as I was always a big liver of every child xx

@AmyRuth I know what you mean but I always blamed myself for these feelings and I thought if I’m the problem I can sort it. But it seems far more challenging than I thought.

My mum and dad broke up before I remember so I knew nothing different, but that didn’t mean I didn’t notice my family was different from others. When my dad and his partner had their children, (from when I was about 7)there was a massive shift in how his partner was with me and I was eventually basically dejected from the family, through no fault of my own (I was a child) I still don’t have a relationship with my sisters who are now in their 20’s, and my relationship with my dad has suffered massively. Obviously this isn’t the same, and the fact you are asking/ exploring your feelings around this is good! As others have suggested, try to connect with the boy and make your own bond. Going down this road and falling deeper into your negative feelings won’t only damage the boy in the long run but will impact your relationship and the wellbeing of your family as a whole. These things aren’t easy but I think persistence is key x

Gosh I adored my ex’s son! It was a slow burn though… for the first year we were just oddly polite to each other but suddenly the most gorgeous friendship grew! Don’t force it and maybe it will come! Also I think just being a new mum would make it a lot more challenging with the hormones and the tiredness and the million other new born emotions and feelings! No judgment because your honesty is important and you need to talk about how you feel! But if he is a nice kid… and you love your partner I think try to find some common ground! With my ex’s son it was football ☺️ it became our thing

I would hope that nobody is mentioning the fact that he was unplanned around your daughter so that shouldn't be an issue

If you’re able to, try to approach the situation with empathy for the child. I tried so hard with my step mother growing up and whatever I did you could just tell she loathed having me around. I’m 32 and I only just stopped trying this year after 19 years of hurt and tears. To this day I’ll never understand why she hates me so much but I know from the moment she met me she just resisted my presence. If I could go back and view everything as a fly on the wall to get better understanding then I would but my therapist has told me to focus on my future and that she was an adult while I was a child.

Just wanted to say, you're not on your own and I completely understand everything you've said! I feel like I'm in the same situation and am frustrated with how I feel because I just don't understand where its coming from. Feel free to message me! X

It may be that your feelings are magnified now that you and your partner have a baby. I have a step-son and before I had my own children I didn’t resent him at all, however after having our first baby I really struggled when he was at our house as he was still young himself and needed a lot of attention from his dad. This made me feel like I was doing everything for our baby and it is overwhelming as it is becoming a new mum, so I became really resentful and didn’t enjoy the weekends he came to ours as (understandably) he always needed his dads full attention. Just wanted to say our baby is now 2 and we have since had another baby together and everything is so much better. I love the bond between our two year old and her big brother. Hopefully things will get better for you! Feel free to message me x

@Carmel this is so eye opening!! Thank you so much for sharing your experience as I could see myself being this heartless step mom.. and it’s just me trying to be honest with myself first. Also how true is what you said about falling deeper into this negative vicious cycle. There are days that I really want to connect with the boy and be there for him but he is difficult to bond. And not only with me, I believe he is is so torn between all these families and his mom not wanting him that he doesn’t actually know how to connect with me. And I have been trying to help him since I met him but now it feels even more difficult as my thoughts are even more intense. Thank you again though xx

@Denise it is so refreshing to not feel judged thank you! You’re right about not forcing it and I’m not but it almost feels impossible some days. As you said it might be the hormones but I really question my decision some days xx

@Liz I think you’re absolutely right, the situation does not fit my image of “a perfect family” I think this is where I struggle to accept the situation. me reading your and other ladies experience is really eye opening and I have more empathy but again it is these stupid boxes I have created in my head and my stubbornness/ darkness and who knows what else don’t let me actually see the positives x

@Lianne this is such a positive message! Almost like a happy ending 🥰 but the way you described you were feeling is a exactly how I feel. The big difference is that we don’t have him only every other weekend but every other week, the whole week!! And he has clubs and stuff and I feel all this stone is “stolen” from our daughter and it really hurts me. Like I didn’t choose the best dad I could for her practically. That I chose based on how much in love I was with him and not based on his situation 🤯 xx

Totally get how you are feeling. Due to where my step-son lives he is just at ours every other weekend but my partner takes him out for tea each week and also we have him 50% off all holidays. When I’m at home struggling with our two girls on my own at tea time and my partner is out for tea with his son I find myself feeling angry that he isn’t here to help me even though I know it’s irrational! It’s so so hard being a step-mum, the relationship really takes a lot of work whereas being a mum often comes naturally so it’s hard not to compare the two. You’re definitely not alone with your feelings. Sending lots of love xx

So I’m just wondering if you’re feelings have gotten so much stronger since giving birth, if it’s bc you’re experiencing post partum depression/anxiety. Your PPD/PPA could be exasperating your feelings towards the 10 year old. I’m not saying it’s an excuse to feel this way but it could explain the sudden change? Definitely talk to your partner, yourself and even your doctor.

@Avery im the youngest of 8 siblings all together only share both parents with one of my siblings but i too lobe all the others and see them as full siblings, it never bothered me that they had different mums or dads because at the end of the day they are my brothers and sisters ❤️