Becoming a mum made me so angry at my own mother!

She’s never picked me it’s always been my brother or one of my sisters I’m the child that was left out, made to feel grateful if they did take me with them on trips and got shipped off to my nans (different dad). I’ve always wondered where I went wrong but I’m starting to come to terms with the fact it wasn’t me she shouldn’t have had children in the first place. I miss a mum I never had instead I had one that threatened me with a knife and never admitted what she did. I gave her another chance when I moved back to my home town and again I did nothing and she choose my brother didn’t even have the guts to tell me this time no reason to why she blocked me I had to find out through my sister. She like to make up lies about me and blame everything that’s ever gone wrong on me. I know I need to leave the past in the past and move on but it still hurts at time especially when she acts like my children don’t exist. Sorry for the rant.