I know I’m In the wrong but looking for advice
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@Tash he tries to tell me that it’s ok to call her out when she’s wrong but then it becomes challenging when step daughter then “breaks down” then always has an excuse to things . He tries to have my back sometimes but then when he does then step daughter also hates him for enforcing rules . Then I explain how challenging it is to be a step parent In general (providing examples and not just complaining ) and he somewhat understands. Then it becomes harder when I have rules for our daughter but then step daughter does whatever . So then I feel like by default he should be the disciplinarian so that he can set the tone for both kids . The moment I try and say something to step daughter then she hates both of us and it’s a miserable visit . I really hate that I feel like I’m stone walling the feelings or trying to alter my approaches just to continue and try to make amends but I can’t keep chasing her or giving it just for her to like me for an hour before she wants something else again
You are not the problem. It seems as though you’ve done all that you could. I wish I had advice but I really don’t. I myself have stepped back for most of my relationship with my step kids and I’m at a point where I don’t even know where I would begin to reconnect with them. I see the way they treat their parents and I want none of that. As you for, if you have given it your all and it doesn’t seem to be working all I can say is that you are not the problem. Do you think there’s a chance that her mom is saying things to her about you?
@Danielle not necessarily. I think her mom and I are completely different people but I do genuinely think we have both tried to be civil for step daughter . She looks up to her mom and is basically a carbon copy . I can’t change who someone is or who they’re destined to be but I really do wish I had more of a relationship with her . I feel like I’ve accepted that I can’t constantly give in or change who I am just to try and “fit in” with her
I think what you described is unfortunately more normal than you’d realize in blended families. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. And the reality is, that’s not your child. You don’t have ultimate decision making. Your bio daughter shouldn’t be placed on the back burner to please your stepdaughter. Your stepdaughter still has 2 parents and possibly another stepparent. Your daughter only has you and her father. It’s unfortunate for your stepdaughter that her parents didn’t work out and she has to split time and not be everyone’s priority but that doesn’t mean you and your daughter don’t deserve happiness, memories, peace, etc.
@Jasmine it just makes me really sad . I’ve always done the most for step daughter but if it doesn’t benefit her because she’s not interested or doesn’t appreciate then I feel like it’s only safe that I back off a bit . It makes me sad loving on my daughter and then feeling like I have to remind myself that she’s ..not my daughter . It makes me feel like I’m creating a divide where in my head I thought going into this that I’m supposed to love both children equally but I can’t . Of course I still love her but like In a different way I didn’t expect I guess and that’s just kind of at a distance
Omg you just described my whole situation. My step daughter is so mean to my son and it’s so hard because that’s MY BABY 😭🥺 plus she’s 7 and he’s 1…. About to be 2 but like cmmoooonnn… I’m scared that my son is going to become like her but I’m super close to him and raising him differently so I hope not. The older she got the more she started talking back, having attitude, and misbehaving and idc if I’m not your mom you’re going to respect your elders. But it’s hard because I feel like she hates me when I’m direct and stern with her or when I tell her dad what she does and he talks to her about it I feel like she hates me too… I’ve definitely backed away. I rather go to work on the weekends than to be home when she’s here sadly I’m sorry😭 I’m still trying to be the best that I can and get a better relationship with her but it’s hard.
@Izzy yea it’s literally like the same age gap and then I hate when everyone says stepdaughters only 6 she’s just a child (at the time) . And now she’s 12 and everyone says oh but my daughter who’s 6 should know better and have to be mature and understand that her step sister is now a preteen and is going through all these emotions etc
Mmm no. I know it’s tough but I won’t let an older sibling who knows what they’re doing and saying be mean to my little one. I have a 8 year old SD and I have 3 babies - a 2 year old,1 year old and a 3 month old. There’s been a few occasions where she’s been a bit mean and I put a stop to it then and there and tell her they don’t know any better and she’s meant to be the example. Actually the other day, my 1 year old by accident hit her on her head with a bowl and she said “ouch that hurt” and she didn’t make a fuss at all but then my husband said am I not going to say anything to my one year old.. I said excuse me? Okay let me go have a conversation with my one year old daughter and explain that accidents shouldn’t happen and you going to be spoken to when your sister says “ouch” nevermind the fact my SD threw a mc Donald’s box in my 1 year olds face the day before by ACCIDENT and I didn’t say anything because she didn’t cry or make as if it bothered her.
The older kid should know toddlers don’t know any better and that’s why they are learning and they should be the example for them. I’ve given up on most things because it’s extra stress that I don’t need honestly. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells around your SD. It’s your home and your rules and she needs to learn to respect how you and her dad do things at home. Once they learn what gets them attention they will do it all the time. At the end of the day your daughter needs your full attention. Your SD goes home to her mother which gives her that 100%. Don’t ever feel guilty for giving your daughter your everything because you are her only mom. Remember that
Your feels are so valid and this sounds really tough. 🩷 I assume your partner knows about this? I’m curious.. how has he helped to navigate or support this relationship between his two children?