I’m a fk’d up person and a sh*t mom…

I feel so messed up sometimes. I’m struggling to feel like a proper good person. Whatever bs childhood trauma may be , it is what it is, but I’m crying and begging God to help me be a better more sane and level-headed person for my little and myself. I don’t want to be my parents worst traits and children deserve the best. My life was saved from what could’ve been a life of dumb choices thanks to my little. But sometimes I feel so stupid and incompetent. I’m so terrified of creating childhood trauma! Every time I may raise my voice after repeating myself like 5 times I feel like that’s another moment I could’ve created trauma and children don’t deserve it. I don’t want to hit or scream or pinch or like do those weird mind games with my kid like I got but I feel so fk’d up sometimes that what if I’m doing it and don’t even realize it?? Sadly my parents aren’t around anymore and I loved them to death but they loved their lifestyles more, but I want different so badly and I’m so scared I’m going to be similar to them. I’ve never done even half the things they probably did growing up but what if I’m just as selfish mentally. I may be different from my parents but what if I am them mentally…how do I let go. Sorry for venting and sounding crazy. I just started my period back and I feel nuts with emotions and I’ve been crying all day and I want to be a good mom. My kid is smart, safe, and deserves the world… but am I going to mess this sweet little angel up? No child deserves it because it messes with you for ever and it’s not right…

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As someone who had a fucked up a childhood and I have cptsd from it- I too do not want to repeat patterns and one thing I learned is trauma is formed in kids when they don’t have someone to follow up with them and help them through it. I don’t want to assume your life but I can say my mom never apologized for the shit she put me through- if anything she rationalized it… but me… if I have a moment like i snapped and yelled when I was overwhelmed and over stimulated… i step away and when I’m regulated again i apologize and talk my kids through it. I tell them it’s not their fault. I give them that support I never had. That’s what breaks the generational trauma- and you worrying about being a good mom means you are a good mom! You got this! It will be ok! 💝

@Lyss thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you had that growing up too. My parents just kept on doing what they were doing and their problems were just normal growing up. Like, everyone just did what they had to do and kept moving on. They were separated from 5yo so I got double the bs it feels like. I do apologize or tell em if I messed up and say it wasn’t right how I handled a situation or whatever the case may be, and if I’m not feeling 100% and just need a moment and I’ll sit or keep busy so it’s not noticeable, but I fear all those times I slip up will catch up and create trauma and confusion and I don’t want them thinking crazy is normal... I only mentioned my one kid at first because he’s a little older but I have a smaller one who I feel gets hit from the sidelines. Not even direct trauma. & I feel like I’m failing twice as hard. One’s getting it direct and one’s seeing it and probably feeling it & not even at fault. I’ll definitely take your kindness to heart from now.

I totally understand what you are saying! I got two myself and a few years ago I was struggling with mental health- still am- but what changed was i figured out I was autistic and so are my kids and so was my mom- her undiagnosed mental health problems pushed her into addiction- I see that now. I know I am far from perfect. I’m a disabled single mom with no support- the struggle is hard and my kids say things sometimes and I know it came from a place of hurt that I caused before I knew myself. Now I frame it as- every generation is supposed to be better than the next. We may not be perfect but our kids will be better than us and ours parents! And if our kids have kids hopefully they do better than us! Cuz that’s all we can do! Just be better. Not perfect- just better! Cuz we are human- we make mistakes and if we show forgiveness for ourselves that teaches our kids to have that for themselves! I’m sure your kids are in great hands!

I agree with all the above! Feel reassured by the very fact you’re feeling this way means change has already happened. No one is perfect despite wanting to be. The focus is on progression which you’re already doing. Give yourself more credit. My biggest bit of advice would be to look after yourself, in every way. That is how we best look after our children. Even though it’s hard and can feel selfish it’s necessary. If you can’t afford therapy, try doing your own with books, podcasts, chat gpt etc it can all help you and I promise you’ll start to feel better. Maybe look into cptsd. It helped me loads. The better you understand things, the less scary and in control you feel. You’re doing great! 😊 X

I hear you 💖 I had the same..I feel the same all the time. But u know what? If u were a bad mum & a shitty person, u wouldn't even be asking those sorts of questions. You wouldn't be second-guessing yourself. You wouldn't be afraid of causing trauma to your child (which I'd be near certain - you're not). You wouldn't have any insight into your own behaviours, and if you did you wouldn't care how they affected others. Someone like the person you described would be so self-absorbed and have such little empathy that it wouldn't be possible for them to have the level of introspection that you quite clearly have. You're a generational trauma cycle breaker. You are what's standing between your child and your trauma, most resolutely refusing to let it touch them. Listen, I have all the insight in the world but I still mess up all the time. I once read that your immediate response is what your family/society taught you - it's automatic like a reflex. But the response that comes next? That's YOU..who you truly are

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