Struggling to bond

Please be nice and don’t make me feel worse than I already do. I’m struggling to bond with my baby and feel terrible about it. My labour was long and intense (3 days) ending in an emergency c section and when my daughter was born she wasn’t breathing and had to be resuscitated. I didn’t get to hold her until 15 minutes after she was born, and then she was admitted to the NICU at 6 hours old with infections. Because of the c section, it was really hard getting to the NICU to see her and back to the maternity ward in time for meals/ pain relief etc so I was limited on how much time I could spend with her. Not being able to hold her and having to watch other people change her nappy really hurt, as well as not being able to breastfeed her and instead she was fed through an NG tube. I’m sure you all know all this already and have been through it yourselves, but I’m really struggling to bond. With my firstborn, we had immediate skin to skin, were together 24/7, breastfed for 6 months and I felt that connection instantly. I’m feeling so guilty and like a terrible mum this time around. I know I love her so much but I think the trauma of everything is making it hard to connect. I do tend to shut myself off during emotionally challenging times. Any advice how I can bond with my little girl?

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Hi! No judgement here what you’re feeling is completely normal. What I used to do was leave a little fabric square with my scent on it for my baby and I’d take one with her scent on it for me. I found it help to produce my first colostrum/milk while away from her. What I used to do in hospital was get my pain relief and then spend my time down at the Nicu. I’m not sure If they do this at your one but I could request my meal in Nicu so I didn’t have to be away from her for too long. It’s super hard but she’s in safe hands and will be home before you know it. Once I felt confident enough I got involved with her care and feeding which helped me feel like she was mine. And when I was allowed I’d have loads of skin to skin. When baby came home I switched to just breastfeeding with no shirt on to continue building the bond. When she was in Nicu and unable to be touched I’d read her stories and just talk/sing to her. I’d hold her tiny hands x

First off, this is completely normal. You had a traumatic experience both physically and emotionally. You are definitely not alone. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I couldn't hold my baby until she was 6 days old. It was so incredibly difficult, and I wasn't allowed to do any of her cares like change diaper or anything until she was a month old. She was on a ventilator for 6 weeks and a feeding tube for over 2 months. The NICU can be really difficult. I had a 6 day labor trying to keep her inside as long as possible while on bed rest in the hospital and it was hard on my body and my mind. Once I was able to, I did skin to skin whenever I could. It took a while, but eventually I felt our bond grow. The NICU social worker should be able to talk to you or give you resources for dealing with your trauma, and once you start to heal from that, you will be able to connect more with the baby.

Check with your ward as usually there’s a psychologist or counsellor who can help you sort out your brain gremlins. It is a trauma response to lock down and it can take time to sort through - I’m still getting hospital flashbacks a year on from my baby’s birth and they sneak up randomly. You’re in the thick of it now so don’t add pressure to be “normal” right away, it’s different for everyone so be kind to yourself and focus on getting you alright first.

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