I'm so exhausted and tired...
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You Probly have post natal depression see in the first 2-2.5 years I didn’t like bein a mum atall
@Kate I know I need to seek a professional counselor, it's just been hard to find one without insurance. And paying out of pocket is still not affordable for me. I talk to my mom about it, but there's only so much she can do. She's been helping with my kid as much as she can.
@Sarah Is that the same thing as post partum depression?
Yeah! It can last years x
Search for local mental health advice lines. They are not just for people experiencing a breakdown, anyone can call them just to have a chat and get things off your chest. And sometimes you can’t be as relaxed when sharing with your close family and friends. Those lines are confidential so you know that whoever you speak on the other side will not share what you discuss (unless they are lead to believe you or anyone around you is in active danger, in cases like that they are authorised to contact emergency services). If you can’t afford therapy atm it can be beneficial to at least talk to a third party.
One website I can recommend (the is is the international website of a UK org, I believe they have a US branch too) https://befrienders.org/
I felt similar with my first and a therapist was really rude to me about it tbh. Although I do think therapy can b wonderful. Just keep pushing through and your feelings will shift. It's a really hard job to be a mom, completely selfless and honestly not always what anyone thinks it will be or feel like. Very well could be post partum down feelings at play plus it's been a big change I'm sure and it's hard to feel like everything is okay when you work so hard at this parenting stuff and get no recognition or time to spend on yourself. Love yourself through the feelings I have faith that they will pass
I think you need to seek help from a professional counsellor to sort through your feelings, but there’s no judgement here. Survival mode is hard and if you’ve not had a break from it in over a year it’s no wonder you’re desperate for an escape. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum or your baby hates you, it means that your brain has been in a bad place for a long time and it’s time to focus on helping you first. Talk to friends, see if you can get help from your doctor. My husband did the same and was referred to Talking Matters through our GP - you’d be a priority case as you’re taking care of a child as well as yourself.