How do I tell her?

I friend of mine has been TTC for quite a while and has been doing fertility treatment for a few months now. She talks to me about it regularly as I happy to listen, let her vent, commiserate or whatever she needs. We started TTC about 2 months ago so she knows this too. I've just found out I'm pregnant and I know she's going to ask if I got my period. I don't want to lie and I'm sure although she will be happy for me there will be a little sadness on her side. So I'm wondering should I tell her over text so she can feel her feelings and not feel like she has to mask any sadness? Or should I tell her face to face?
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based off what you’re describing, I’d probably go with something through text. If she’s a true friend, she’d feel like shit if she showed that she was sad upon receiving good news about a good friend, even if she couldn’t help it.

I suggest you text her so she can take in the news and can have the reaction she needs to have on her own. I would text her something along the lines of “I want to share with you that I am pregnant. I want to be respectful of you and give you space if you need it which is why I’m sharing the news with you via text. I know this may be difficult to hear but I want to let you know I’m with you” something like that. Let her feel what she has to feel but don’t mask your joy when you’re around her

Also congratulations!!! 🫶🫶💕

I’d say over text. It’ll give her time to digest the message and have a moment if she needs it. Might be worth saying in there…you understand if she needs some time etc. just let her know her feelings are valid and you understand she’s going through a tough journey … but at the end of the day, you hope she’s a good enough friend that she’ll be happy for you.

Definitely text her. Also remember, if she's a true friend she will be happy for you, not ghost you or be distant!

I’ve been through losses before getting my two rainbow babies and I always really appreciated a heads up text directly to me from friends before they did the general friends group announcement as it does really affect you. You’re a good friend to be considering her feelings in this. I’d ask for her lead on how involved / updated she wants to be with the pregnancy too Xx

Thank you all. I did think a text would be better to allow her be sad without any guilt! I completely understand she will have mixed feelings and wanted her to have space to process them. Thanks again for the input 😊

I struggled to conceive, and my friend got pregnant accidentally, and they had never planned kids. She told me to my face and said she was worried to tell me but I was happy for her. I did feel a pang of sadness, but that's my issue, not hers. My sadness doesn't detract from my happiness for her. I really appreciated that she acknowledged that it might be hard for me to hear but gave her a big hug and congratulated her. I'm glad she did it face to face, tbh because then we could talk it out a little. I feel a text would have been hurtful to me for some reason? Maybe a little impersonal?

@Bethany this was my worry but also because she knows my period is due this weekend I feel she will ask me on Monday, when we are in work. It's not a bomb I want to drop on her when she then has to go to work?

I would definitely do it thru text . I had a miscarriage and then lost my son half way thru my pregnancy, then i struggled to conceive, when my bestfriend accidentally got pregnant with her son, she told me thru text and I think that was best because it gave me a moment to analyze how I felt about it and not have to hide my emotions bc I didn’t even know how I’d react , I was so happy for her but my eyes did get watery at the idea that it’s so “easy” for others and hard for me . But I’d definitely do it thru text , she will definitely be happy for you but it still gonna sting a little and that has nothing to do with you or your friendship it’s just something struggling mamas have to carry with us 🥺💕

You just gotta tell her lovely! One of my close friends and I were pregnant at the same time. I only knew after she told me at 16 weeks. I lost my pregnancy at 12 weeks. I was so so happy for her but of course sad for myself too. People can feel two things at once for different people 🥰 I’m sure she’ll be ecstatic for you I was told over the phone and liked that as I could react as authentically as I needed I cried but over text I could hold authentic happiness for her without masking my true emotions in person

I totally understand where you're coming from, and you know her best, so if you feel that's the right way to do it, then do it that way. 🙂 I would acknowledge in the text how she might feel and explain why you're texting her because I'm sure she will appreciate your thoughtfulness and consideration for her feelings 🤎 congratulations on your pregnancy x

You're very thoughtful and a good friend, I agree with the text and I would add also to think about the timing. I'm sure you would have but make sure to send it in the evening and not in the morning before work as she might struggle with the complicated emotions for a while. And like you said, let her take the lead in terms of how much she wants to know and talk about it. Xx

I'd text her something like "I know you're wondering and I'm dying to share with you, I didn't get my period! I'm super excited about it and hope u can celebrate with me when you're ready, I'm gonna sprinkle so much of my babydust on you it's unreal 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰"

Also, congratulations 🎊 🥳

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@Heidi that's a lovely text but I think she might need to acknowledge that she understands it might be difficult to hear and she won't blame her if she takes time to reply. Or something like that. Also Congratulations indeed! I was this struggling friend for a few months and my bestfriend messaged me via text as she fell pregnant first time trying and yes it hurts initially because it's another "why is it taking longer for me" but then you're so happy for them and you get your own good news sooo.. Give her space but if she's a real friend she will eventually be happy for you 😘

Thank you all for your input, much appreciated!

If she’s a close enough friend she should be ok to feel both feelings. It could be an opportunity for you to support her. I wouldn’t tell her over text. She will likely need support and her feelings of sadness or frustration are definitely valid. And acknowledging them shows you’re a supportive and loving friend. I know she’ll be happy for you, but she’ll need you for her other feelings too.

I wouldn’t text, I would call. I would first ask her if she has mental space for you to talk to her about something big, and say “I need to tell you something but I don’t expect you to respond right now, unless you want to. We just found out we are pregnant and it’s still early but you’re my best friend and I wanted to tell you first”

I would say it in person, myself. But in a private setting and make sure she knows that all her feelings (good and bad) are valid. I would want to be able to hug her after I told her - for me and for her. But that’s based off of me thinking of my friends and how we are. Do what you think is best for your friend. Lots of good advice in the comments 🖤

Also congratulations 🖤

I was in a similar position with a friend we got pregnant right away and she has only conceived through IVF. I told her over the phone (we live across the country from each other). She was happy for me, I have no idea if she had any sadness around it given her situation, she didn’t share that with me if she did. You can’t control how someone else will feel based on their experiences, just be as gentle as you can be about it.

Congratulations mama! You’re so kind to think of her like this and sure she’ll appreciate the heads up or just one to one xx

@Aurélie I can see that, but personally I don't like it when people decide how I feel about things for me, or assume I'll react a certain way so that probably influenced my txt a lot 🤔

@Heidi that's a fair point. 😊 I'm thinking about my particular friend who I went through something similar and we are so similar that I guess we just know how the other might feel so that's why I would have opted for that option. But I think your comment is very valid! Thanks for sharing

I was TTC for 2.5 years and I really appreciated when a good friend texted me to tell me she was pregnant, rather than face-to-face. Meant I could feel the sadness first, cry my little heart out and then circle back round to feeling happy (which of course I was, but it made a change to feel my feelings first rather than slapping on the brave face straight away) for her. It’s a special kind of pain when you desperately want a baby and it seems to come easily to everyone else- in my mind it’s the kindest way, having been on that side of the equation.

@Becky I totally agree

I’d tell her face to face as it means you can gauge the reaction it’s also seen as more polite and compassionate to tell her to be face rather than over text which can be interpreted wrong or seen as insincere depending on how she would take it

Not sure if u told her but I’m going through a similar situation and I still havent told my best friend and I’m 13 weeks pregnant now!!

@Rafia I did tell her. She appreciated being told by text to give her time to go through the different emotions. I know she's happy for me and I'm sure your friend will be too ❤️

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Oh incognito, I'm glad you did it via text and gave her space to process her emotions. 😊 I'm also glad you know she's happy for you xx

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