(Trigger Warning) What kind of abuse would you label this as?

Background for context: My ex and I are currently going back and forth with our attorneys for custody. Our daughter is almost 3 months old now. I left him at almost 30 weeks pregnant. He was very emotionally/verbally abusive, but there are a couple of things that I'm wondering if they another kind of abuse other than emotional/verbal. 1. I believe he was using me for sex. He would as me to do sexual favors for him and would promise me that he would help me sexually in return, but never did. 2. He would try to kill himself in front of me while I was pregnant, forcing me to have to physically stop him and/or restrain him. 3. When I moved out of his house (we lived with his dad, sister, and brother-in-law), he would not allow his family to help me pack my car and He did the bare minimum of moving my furniture into the garage. Remember I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant at the time. I'm not sure if this really applies a whole lot to number 3, but my pregnancy was not high-risk AT THE TIME. I had a fairly easy pregnancy up until this point. I didn't gain a whole lot of weight. I had an OB appointment at 31 weeks and my belly was measuring smaller than any previous appointment. At 32 weeks, I had a growth ultrasound and they determined my baby had severe intrauterine growth restriction and the placenta was dying. I was also being monitored for high voodoo pressure starting just a few weeks before I left my ex. When I left him, my blood pressure went back to almost normal for a couple weeks and then went up again. At 37 weeks, I was officially diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and induced. We had done labs to check for pre-eclampsia weekly after I left my ex. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. The court doesn't really do anything for emotional abuse, so I'm wondering if maybe I'm just grasping at straws trying to label things as physical abuse. He never hit me or anything, but I do have a lot of trauma from all of the emotional/verbal abuse. I've been working with some mental health professionals for that. I'm just terrified of my ex getting any actual custody (mostly overnight and one on one time) with our daughter and I'm worried I can't keep her safe from him if it was all just emotional/verbal abuse.

Show your support

Sorry this is happening to you 😔 I would say 1 is not abuse as I’m assuming it was all consensual? 2 - coercive and controlling behaviour 3 - perhaps emotional abuse, but more just being a horrible person. I hope you’re ok

1. Don't think this would fall under any type of abuse. You can't give prior consent for sexual acts, only in the moment, so him promising to return the favour doesn't mean anything. 2. Probably emotional 3. Not sure, his family are still their own people who make their own choices. Unless he physically restrained them, they still made the choice not to help technically. Just a dick move. As above, sorry that this is something you're going through. Emotional abuse and the effects of it are just as valid and should be treated as such.

Anyone who chose “Not abuse” is mentally thick. Especially when you read #2.. that is definitely emotional/mental abuse

1. isn’t a type of abuse- it would be frustrating maybe but you can’t consent prior to sexual acts so if he changes his mind that isn’t abuse regardless of if you think he’s doing it on purpose everytime. if he was making you then it would be sexual abuse but he is just saying like oh ill get u back and you didn’t need to do it 2. definitely emotional/mental abuse 3. im not sure- he is being a complete dick but i don’t know if it’s any type of abuse as you didn’t have to do it. he was just asking people not to help you and refusing himself but you could’ve also refused. Your blood pressure is definitely a sign of an unhealthy relationship especially during pregnancy - i was feeling very depressed and struggling to motivate myself to even get up when i was with my ex (i blamed it on my BPD at the time) and the second I left my mental health has been brilliant. I would get some advice from a solicitor to how it works in your area and they will advice on how best to proceed. 🤞❤️

Sorry, I don’t think 1 will qualify as abuse. It was manipulative of him but it’s sounds like you consented and weren’t under duress. He lied, but I don’t think that will hold up in court. It’s like saying ‘I weeded my neighbours garden bc he promised he’d do mine, and then he never did.’ What’s the judge supposed to do, order him to pay you back the sexual favours he owes you? I don’t think you want that :/ I think 3 is him being an absolute shit awful person. But maybe you could prove he threatened or coerced his family into not helping you. 2 is the most disturbing but it’s more a sign of his mental instability than abuse. (I think you’d need to prove somehow that he was doing it to manipulate you and that he had no intent to follow through to prove it’s abuse.) but on its own it already shows how unfit he is as a parent so I doubt he’d get custody. Overall I think you need to check out the laws in your state to really understand what you need to bring forward to the court.

Tl;dr you don’t have to prove he’s abusive to prove you’re the better parent.

I would be more worried of him being suicidal around her - has he said this recently? I know where I live you can put someone on a hold medically if you believe they will hurt themselves.

@Sandra he has said he's had panic attacks every day recently. We haven't talked much because I'm distancing myself so he stops trying to ask me out

it sounds horrible to use someone’s mental health against them but in this case i feel it’s very justified! do you have any proof of his attempts to commit and making you help/save him? if you do you may not need to focus on his abuse against you but his instability and the risks there ? if he is looking after your child and attempts to take his own life that could be very bad of course. i really don’t know though - i recommend talking it all through with a lawyer/solicitor (wherever you’re from)xx

@Ellie-May my lawyer mostly just said they would make him do therapy and stuff

yes probably, but it may be supervised visits in the meantime x

like you said, unless there is evidence that he will harm your daughter then they will likely grant him custody/visitation of some sort. he seems like he was a terrible partner but is there any other reasoning you think he would be a risk to baby? as maybe with the therapy and supervised visits he will get better and might be good to be in her life. a lot of the time people can be bad partners but good parents. i know originally i wanted my ex to be involved with baby and do it civilly i’ve now been informed by police other information that has changed my mind up completely and i will do everything to make sure he doesn’t see her. but if he didn’t have that side i found out i would’ve tried to make it work with split custody - i would’ve tried for majority but would’ve liked for him to be involved somehow xx

@Ellie-May he's narcissistic and thinks everyone is out to get him. He's had a history of drug abuse and claims to have brain damage despite not doing drugs in a few years. He's been accused of sexually assaulting one his exes. I unfortunately don't have much if any evidence of this stuff, though...

well then yes i do agree with you that it is probably best that he not be alone with your children - but may be try supervised visits? as you say if you have no evidence and go in for full custody you will likely not get that but if you ask for supervised visits with history of drug abuse and allegations i think you may be granted that. but you will need to gather any evidence that you can for any of it as the courts will not act on your words alone xx