Struggling

I can’t handle it. Suicide is on my mind constantly but I push through for my baby I have no family but one that lives 6 hours away and my ex whom I’m trying to work things out with says I’ve got his family but that’s not true he is there blood not me and if we truly decide to stay broken up and tell people then I know I don’t have them. I feel so alone and hate him so much but then I also love him but can’t handle the pain anymore. I have no friends and feel so alone and still haven’t experienced a lot in my life but the things I want to try makes him anxious. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m sick of everything