I hate being like this

Some people just need more space when they're having hard days❤️. As long as he's not taking out his frustrations on you (like being mean, yelling, redirecting on you) and he eventually opens up when he's ready, try not to allow to sit heavy on you. It's hard not to take it personally when your intentions are to comfort them😭 and, it's also important to "meet them where they're at/ where they need it" and whatever is most comforting to them. I lean more towards "avoidant" (like your Husband) and my Husband can lean more towards "anxiously attached" lol so I get the frustration and "lost in translation" when it comes to different ways of comforting.

Oof. This is hard. You're sort of getting mad at him for having a bad day or expressing sadness. In a way, you're making it about you, then making him comfort you when he's already worried about something else. He's avoiding you (so he doesn't turn one problem into two) which is amplifying your anxiety. I think the best thing is to find a different outlet for your nervous energy. Exercise would be ideal, solo sex might work well, something physical to take you out of your head, listen to loud music, play an instrument, sing, go get decaf Starbucks to get yourself out of the house, do something thoughtful for someone else in your life, are all good options. Many people don't want to accept help when they feel bad because it makes them also feel weak, or inadequate. Like you said, you're overthinking. When these thoughts come up, also think "every time I worry about that, and every time it's turned out to be all in my head. If I don't pick a fight right now, he'll want to talk to me about it sooner." 🍀

@Bonny agreed.. it's not that hard to think logically about this if your in your non emotional state. If your both in a neutral state of mind, should take screenshot of what @Bonny said and read it over and over and over again in your phone... read books on it. Maybe you're really young or maybe your older and just need maturity.. but you know all this. Have you ever asked him what he needs.. when he's like this? Write it down on paper... seems you understand & comprehend it but you don't want to give him space? It's like him wanting to eat eyeballs and getting mad you don't like eating fish eyeballs.. but emotions need venting. So panicking & talking to someone is needed but if no one then, listen to a2 min podcast or video on YouTube on how to get calm... any thing to relax u. He has more testosterone and you have more estrogen that out of balance with emotions/ feelings. Guys get more of the I want to break things with strength but some learn to find way to not smash things etc How many days he sad?

@Bonny this is so so true. Thank you for this. I don’t want to be like this. I am anxiously attached (working on that) I’m also very emotionally immature. I’ll be the first to admit it. @Ali im actually in my mid 30s and he’s in his mid 40s. I don’t want things like this to bother me. It drives me bat shit crazy. When he doesn’t want to talk it like… makes me want to talk to him more? If that makes sense. I just want to help him. If I stub my toe I call him. He isn’t mean towards me, he just gets cold and distant and I don’t know how to not take that personally because I’m not the cause of the stress so why treat me differently? We are going on day 3. This happens once every 6 months or so. I think part of it is because when we first started dating and he would get like this he would start talking very irrational, “oh I’m just meant to be alone.” Or “why am I even here.” Or “I’m not meant to be happy.” Clearly depression but it pisses me off because then why are u with me? So I try to

give space because he would say those things when i would get into an anxious state and confront him because of how he’s acting and i just don’t want to do that. I’m trying really hard to not take it personal but it’s always in the back of my mind.

My husband and I always feed off of eachothers emotions. If he comes home cranky it brings negativity in to the house and I start to feel anxious and stressed. We have gotten in to a rhythm that off he is effecting me emotionally and negatively I tell him. He usually goes and calms down then eventually apologizes and is good for the remainder of the evening. Have you tried asking him if you can help him in any way? Perhaps asking night make him more receptive of your help.

My partner gets like this every so often, and I find it best to just let him vent, as I know it will pass and its not really aimed at me, even though he does snap at me sometimes when he's in a pissy mood 🙄

Girl I’m sorry but what you’re describing is literally how my husband reacts to me, I react like your husband, and his anxious reaction that makes my bad day all about him makes me so fucking mad. Some of us don’t want to talk about our emotions, we have anxiety and depression and we want to be left alone to process our negativity - we don’t want to drag you into it, we don’t want your attempts at comfort, we just need space. And then when the initial attempts at “what’s wrong hun? Talk to me” turn into an argument about why we’re treating them like this, why don’t we want to talk, and trying to force an emotion out of someone who is already mentally exhausted is so fucking cruel. Like you’re making it about you, and now he has to placate you to make you feel better instead of being able to process his own feelings. Just give him space, once every 6 months is not a common occurrence. It seriously makes me not wanna come home if I know that’s what’s waiting for me.

@Roksan you’re so right, and on behalf of your husband as well I’m sorry. We can’t help it. I came here for advice because I hate being like that. I just feel some type of way because I never once have ever taken a bad day out on him, or treated him differently , or was cold and distant. Even when I don’t want to talk, I talk to him. I could be having the worst day ever and just want to sleep and I’ll drag myself out of bed to do whatever he needs, because I understand my bad day has nothing to do with him so why put those negative emotions on to him. I just can’t stand when I say Good Morning!!!! And I get a, “yeah hi” in a monotone you’re bothering me voice. It literally ruins my whole mood for the day and makes me sit and wonder what I did wrong. He did talk to me tonight and told me I’ve been cold the last couple days. I said well you have been stressed I wanted to give you space. He wasn’t a fan of that. So I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Just tell him you’re giving him space to process so it doesn’t feel like you’re punishing him specifically by being distant as a “way to get even”. It’s not damned if you do, damned if you don’t - it’s about intentions. You probably react differently to a bad day, and want to talk to someone about it. My husband wants to discuss when things go wrong and talk when something bothers him. That’s just not me, and retreating into our shell isn’t taking it out on you guys. Like if we accommodate your need to talk, you should consider accommodating the need for space and not make it about you

@Jesika yes I am actually the diagnosed one in the relationship with anxiety and depression and he knows this. I’ve told him so many times when he gets like this it causes me tremendous anxiety. My brain goes haywire and I start overthinking. It gets so bad that at times I take anxiety medication when he’s like this just so I can sleep and not get sick. In turn I need reassurance and validation to feel normal again which like @Roksan said pisses him off greatly. It’s like a bad circle (granted it’s not often). I have tried reminding him we are a team, we’ll get through it together, he can lean on me etc etc. but it falls on deaf ears when he’s like this. He needs to work it out in his own head. My issue is the stuff he says when he’s like this “I’m just done with everything” for example sends me into a panic thinking he means with me. I freak, he freaks. It’s a mess. I guess to avoid that, I just need to avoid him when he gets like that which not for nothing I don’t believe is healthy

Have you looked into the anxious attachment and avoidant attachment dynamic before? Every single person "leans" into some sort of attachment style ESPECIALLY when we are ddysregulated, those tendencies REALLY show. Not a bad idea to study that dynamic though because it sounds like possibly your anxiousness may be actually pushing him away more. The more you try to "grab" in a sense, the more he needs to create space. Which just all around a hard, HARD spot emotionally, for both people. I'm sure you would have more relief if he reassured you he's having a hard day with himself, not you. And that he just needs a moment to decompress on his own and when he ready to talk, he will do so then- would make you feel more secure and better?

@Daysha EXACTLY!!! I’m not a mind reader, I don’t know he’s in a terrible mood or having a bad day until I get those reactions. Even then he won’t just say “I’m having a bad day.” All I need is “I’m not having a good day today, i don’t want to take it out on you so I just need some space to decompress and we’ll talk later.” The bad days seem to end quickly when he needs something from me though.. that’s part of why I take it so personal.

Yeah, he needs to be communicating better on his part. He can't shut down. He needs to at least tell you he's having a bad day and needs space to process whatever he's feeling and going through. Communication is the key 🔑 for any type of dynamic/relationship and ESPECIALLY for those who lean more towards anxious attachment tendencies. So that's the least he can do is -Communicate that he needs space. Reassure you that HE'S having a bad day and that it's not your job to fix it/him. And then be to be respectful after he's had his alone time (no redirecting frustrations at you, no cold shoulders, no dismissive behaviors).