I need help I’m at a point where I’m going to lose control over myself if I don’t stop feeling this way.

For a bit of back story, I have BPD, which if you know about it, you’ll know that it greatly impact’s relationships and mood. One of the ways it works for me, if I have a healthy relationship with someone and they do even one thing that upsets me or really effects me, no matter how hard they try to prove they’ve changed and it won’t happen again, my brain with always associate that person to what they have previously done. I grew up in a sexually abusive household and managed to get out 2 years ago in February because of my bf. There is a trial this summer for my step dad and there’s been an ongoing investigation for my allegations since the report was made in 2023. I have a history of sh and have attempted to end my life multiple times throughout my teen/ young adulthood due to my home life. When my bf and I got together and I moved in with him, I had a life I never imagined I deserved. He made me feel seen, heard and wanted. I felt loved for the first time since I was a little child and I didn’t have any reason to question it. Fast forward 7 months, I fall pregnant. And that’s when things gradually started to crack. It was mainly involving my bf 🍃 use. I wanted him to quit before the baby came, just like I was able to go cold turkey the day I got the positive test. Spoiler alert, he never did. But anyway, my whole pregnancy was a constant battle of trying to encourage it. I don’t know if me being annoyed he wouldn’t try harder is what caused him to like me less, but I’m starting to believe he never had just eyes for me in the first place. I’ve always been an over thinker, but I don’t know whether I’m just not good enough for anyone. He would always mention during sex how he wanted to fuck other girls, except he would name them, and it was always this one friend of mine he’d only met once. I thought it was normal, it being my first relationship, even though it made me feel so small. Summer 24’ we went to Spain with our 3 month old baby, and 11 other members of his family, including his 16 y/o step sister. A week after we got back, I asked to send myself photos from his phone from the holiday and found multiple photos of his step sister in booty shorts, always at an angle that was basically just her ass. I confronted him, we nearly broke up, but I caved because I was scared to be alone in this world again. (A lot more details left out in between) And then a month later I find out he’s been requesting to follow the same girl I mentioned earlier, even though she keeps rejecting his request on IG. And then there’s me always noticing him looking at other women in public if they’re wearing revealing or nice clothes. I’ve kept how it’s made me feel to myself a lot, because I’m afraid he’ll eventually admit that I’m not good enough. And it feels too much like my mum and how she chose my step dad over me, even through the whole police investigation and evidence being brought up in court. I have tried to break up with my bf, and he never lets me. But then when I calm down I realise or at least think that I don’t want to leave him. However, I’m now at a point where I am having the same urges I had years ago. And the feelings I’m having are way to familiar to when I was living at my mums. I am 2 years SH free in July, and I haven’t had any hospital admissions since 2021. But the thoughts are back. I have a child’s life in my hands now and I know I need to put her first. I can’t let her see me the way she sees me during the day when her dad is at work and I’m bawling my eyes out 3/4 hours of the day, anymore. But I really don’t know what to do. I have don’t have my parents, I don’t have more than 1 proper friend, I don’t drive, and I can’t pay the bills because I don’t work. I’m stuck in a hole I keep falling further into, and I’m scared there’s no way out. I am broken. Again. But I’m helpless too.