Should you have the right to say no and be respected regardless if you’re married?

It’s not if you should, it’s that you do have the right to say no and be respected. Period.

Talk about cheating cuz he got told no? Hard pass. Coercion is not consent it's sexual assault

You have the right to say no. If he doesn’t respect that, he’s a pos. If he cheats because of it, he’s a pos. If he tries to have sex with you anyway, that’s sexual assault and he is a pos. Marriage does not guarantee access to your body. If he thinks that, he doesn’t respect you as a human and is, once again, a pos.

This is coercive control on his part, and this is abuse. This is 100% not okay, ever!!! I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this with your husband, the person who is supposed to love and respect you - he is showing you very clearly that he does neither. I feel sad that his gaslighting has been so effective that you even need to ask this question here 😔 Please reach out to local DA resources for support, they are there to help in situations exactly like yours ❤️‍🩹

are you guys working on why you never want to have sex with him? I only ask because if there’s no end in sight and he’s expected to be left with his sexual frustration and rejection indefinitely, then that’s going to cause problems.

@Stacey 🇵🇸 I’m not sure why anyone would ever want to have sex with someone who refused to respect their choice of whether or not to have sex…. There’s nothing sexy or arousing about coercion 🤮

@Rose what do you mean by DA?

Domestic abuse

He does have the right to get it somewhere else after yall break up first

He doesn’t get the right from someone else but he has the right to sex. And you saying you Never want to have sex.. are you implying that you would let your husband live for the rest of his marriage and life without sex? I mean marriage comes commitment and sex is one of it. Yes you can say no at times, but to say tou never want to offer him sex is kinda breaking a part of a marriage, at least let him go then and find someone that is on the same sexual interest as you

@Imane how am I to offer it when I have zero interest?

@incognito you don't. If he was interested in helping you want to have sex with him he'd have a heartfelt conversation with you vs coercion. Because this is coercion.

@Rose obviously. But my question centers the reason why this is even an issue in the first place? Maybe he did something terrible and it turned her off. Maybe her hormones are wild and she can’t find the desire to want him. Something must have triggered this. Regardless, a person can handle rejection only so many times until the couple goes to therapy, someone changes, or someone leaves.

@🩷 Patience 🩷 I don’t disagree with you but she’s saying that she never wants it. You’re talking about a pretty typical scenario. She’s taking about something more harmful. (Harmful to their relationship) If he did something or she’s going through something that’s making sex difficult, then it should be a conversation right? We can’t just reject our husbands and slam the door on intimacy without some kind of timeline or hope to repair.

@Stacey 🇵🇸 it doesn’t matter whether or not there was a trigger, the point is that he is being abusive - nothing can ever excuse that

@Stacey 🇵🇸 why are you giving excuses for someone blatantly abusing their partner?

@Reena how do we know he hasn’t tried to have this conversation before? That’s why I’m asking. When I hear a woman say that she never wants to have sex with her husband, I’m inclined to ask what happened and are they interested in finding a solution. No spouse is just going to live their lives being constantly rejected without reason, therapy, or some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.

@Stacey 🇵🇸 this is sounding an awful lot like victim blaming/shaming….

@Heather lol I’m simply asking a question.

@🩷 Patience 🩷 I’m asking questions. That’s literally the opposite of assuming anything lol

@Rose where

@Reena you’re right. And I didn’t want to go all gung ho into a conversation without asking for some details.

I get what @Stacey 🇵🇸 is saying though. No he might not be handling it correctly, sure you could argue it's borderline abusive/etc but I also can see where his anger is coming from. I have a high sex drive, if my husband told me no every time I asked or initiated I would definitely feel this way and honestly if they didn't want to talk it through or work to find a middle ground I would probably want to go elsewhere too🤷🏼‍♀️

@Reena I literally did by asking if they are “working on why she never wants to have sex with him” and “I’m inclined to ask what happened…etc” I’m not going to bust out the gate asking why she specifically doesn’t want to have sex with her husband.

@Stacey 🇵🇸 it was the centering of the husband and passing blame to the op in your line of questioning. "A person can handle rejection only so many times...." was the attempt to pass blame back onto op for "always turning him down" why do we need to question what led to the abuse when it's the abuse that is now happening?

@Heather my first question centered what the problem actually was by asking if this is something that is being worked on in the background. Saying “a person can handle rejection only so many times” was not an attempt to pass blame onto OP, it’s the truth and “always turning him down” was taken by her own post where she says she never has sex with him. I wasn’t exaggerating or using blameful language. Also to be clear- you’re right. I didn’t address the shit thing he said. I was just trying to work with a starting point.

@Reena what excuses did I come up with? I came up with possible scenarios and none of them excuse his behavior. There is a difference between excusing and explaining and I wasn’t even going for all that- it was just examples of what could be going on behind the scenes. Everything I said was an open and empathetic question coming from a place of familiarity and respect. There was no blameful language, just simple questions.

Anyway ya’ll. The wine I’m having is beginning to reduce my focus and clarity so I’m tappin out. We have only so many more hours before morning 🥂

Please have a look at this info OP 💗 https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/

The ball should stay in the abusers court to fix this not the victim. Since he's the one abusing her, he should be figuring out some therapy asap. But suuuuuure. Let's question what led him to abuse her. 🤔

@Rose thank you!

@Heather thank you! I appreciate your support 🫶🏻

Yes you should and do respectfully, morally and legally have the right to say No to any sort of sexual advances/activity and be respected full stop. This continues into longer-term relationships/marriages. Can I ask if you are ok?

Ew he’s being weird?? I tell my fiancé to keep his meat stick away from me, he calles me vanilla, I flip him off and we go on about our day. And it’s all in a playful way?

@Sophie mentally and emotionally, no. Physically, yes.

Find the reason behind your disinterest. Are you overwhelmed with house chores? Are you mentally exhausted? Do you feel like he’s not turning you on at all? Or you just completely lost desire in sex? If so, have a deep conversation with your husband, let out your feelings, and see if that would help move things forward

@Imane shouldn't he work on his abuse as well?

The reason that the solution to the problem is not “figure out why you don’t want sex” is because her partner is acting abusive. If he said “can we talk about why you don’t want to have sex anymore?” Then yea counseling and talking about it might help. But he is threatening her with cheating and saying he doesn’t respect when she says no. Having more sex isnt going to change that he doesn’t respect her feelings and thinks manipulating her is okay.

@Victoria~ exactly this! If anything, more sex at this point will only reinforce his abusive behaviour, as he’ll be getting exactly what he wants after his sexual coercion

I can't tell what happened here based on the short description given by the OP, but some of you in the comments need a chill pill. To call this abuse is abusive by the same logic. I recently learned a Muslim woman is able to divorce her husband if she's not getting sex from the relationship and honestly I applaud that. Marriage is a romantic relationship, and sex is the biggest part of the romance. If you're constantly rejecting someone without a reasonable explanation, it shows you don't care about their needs. To say it's coercion, I feel like we could only test that theory if she then turned around and said yes right after that and he was still able to go through the deed. By the wording of the post, I am getting the sense that he's annoyed because he's always being rejected and never getting any. It doesn't sound to me like he wanted to have sex after this at all, so how can it be abusive to voice your feelings?

And ladies, unless you're asexual, you can't tell me you'd be okay with your husband rejecting your sexual advances for a year+ without getting upset over it at some point. It's not abusive to have an emotional response to an emotionally charged situation. If he's being abusive, she's being negligent and neglect is also a form of abuse in my opinion. OP I don't know your full story and I really hope you won't take offence to what I've said. I'm just triggered by people jumping to conclusions and willing to villainise people without even asking for details 🫠

@🩷 Patience 🩷 but also if she's not interested in having sex with him, shouldn't she also just leave? She's not letting go yet, he's not letting go yet. As if leaving when you have children is the easiest thing in the world and leaving should be your first instinct before getting upset? He's fighting for a relationship in his own way, expressing his unhappiness in a stupid but logical way. Him saying it instead of just doing it also shows he doesn't want to cheat, he just wants his wife to start thinking about him again.

@Stella getting upset is valid. Saying you’re okay with assaulting or cheating on your partner, is not.

@Victoria~ I agree, I'm not okay with cheating or assault, but I'm also (considerably less) not okay with withholding sex indefinitely in a marriage unless there's a valid (medical) reason. I disagree that his reaction was assault though if that was implied in your comment

@Heather well yeah, but what if she said no multiple times and this is when he couldn’t handle it and said that. Yes what he said was completely wrong but he deserves a clear explanation as to why he is being told no. I’m sure he’s feeling disrespected because his wife is constantly rejecting him without a proper conversation.

@Stella lumping every relationship into the sake brackets is just as abusive then. And thanks for giving excuses for shitty men that abuse their spouses

@Imane why does the first matter if the end is abusive? I've been in these shoes. Me and my husband went a long time without sex and never once did I coerce him or threaten to go cheat to try to force his hand. Some of yall need to hear the song labor by Paris Paloma and take the lyrics to heart. We should really just be theor cum dumpsters

Since everyone clearly cares more as to why I’m not having sex: this is why. He constantly wants it. Makes gaslighting remarks around it. It’s not a turn on. I physically can’t have sex. I was raped and the trauma is all coming back after having my baby. Everything is tight and everything is painful and uncomfortable and gross. I’ve been in physical therapy for pelvic floor, I’ve been trying to eat healthier and have a different mindset but I can’t. My husband doesn’t try to turn me on and I’ve had countless amounts of conversations with this man. He doesn’t do fore play. I’m never wet and he complains about that too but never once wants to take responsibility for his own actions and lack there of. I’ve never been into sex and only did it to keep him happy all of these years and I finally am standing up for myself and he doesn’t like it. Everyone is always so quick to say “leave” like it’s that simple and easy to do. It’s not. As manipulative as he is with me, he’ll use our baby too

OP that's just absolutely horrendous 🥺🥺 I'm sorry you're going through that and he should definitely put in more work on his end if he wants things to change... I wouldn't be able to have sex with him either if he didn't care about me reliving my rape and didn't care about prepping + pleasing me in bed. Sounds like there are so many issues you guys are dealing with... Sorry about the part I played if my message was the reason you've shared your story. I genuinely didn't want you to think my messages were directed at you. I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope you'll manage to work through your trauma and heal again, hopefully with your husband (improved version) by your side 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻💔

OP could have said all of this in her post🙄