Toxic MIL
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@Rebecca yeah I cut a lot of the stuff out like her shouting in my baby’s face that she (my baby) doesn’t even care about her (my MIL) or telling me I’m bad for “giving in” and giving my baby a bottle early. She lives 5 mins around the corner from me and I always said she was welcome to come over but never gets taken up. I have to go to her. Holding her when she was first born and her head was dropping down. Both my husband and I asked her to hold her more supported and she said “no, what I’m doing is fine” even my FIL said “have you forgotten how to do this?” To her. She didn’t respect our wishes, has criticised both me and my husband on how we parent. I have become distant because I’m now protecting myself and my baby. She’s going to start to understand soon when my MIL says “you don’t even like me do you”
As much as you love your husband, he is part of the issue. You want to feel supported and have a united front whereas he doesn’t seem willing to communicate between you, set boundaries ect. I have had this issue with my partner. We went to therapy together and basically his mum flew off the handle a lot with him growing up so he was afraid and couldn’t be bothered for her backlash. My mum is the same way but I dont care to have a 5 second clash and move on from it or whatever. I make my boundaries clear and I expect the same from him. It doesnt need to be a confrontational conversation and could be approached delicately but it feels like your partner just cba in a way which I do get to an extent but your mental health is important. He needs to act like your PARTNER and you need to be a team together. I guarantee if he made you feel that way your mental health would improve. Its about how you communicate it to your husband without confrontation to him as well
@Becky thank you. I think one of the hardest things is that his family are very shut off. He shares photos, videos of our little girl and proud moment and doesn’t get a response. Only “yeah I probably saw it, you send so much stuff!” When we’re at their house it’s very much old fashioned, be quiet, behave etc. My family are very different. Very open, yes we argue but we’re upfront and get it sorted. Celebrate everything to the max and instead from his side we get “why bother with all of these decorations for her birthday? It’s not like she will even notice”. Like her childhood is our parenthood and her son’s experience! You think she would be proud. Instead she talks all the time about her grandson (our nephew-there’s only him and my little girl). She openly said to me when I was pregnant “don’t have a girl! I won’t know what to do”. I try and stay calm for my husband because I know how hurt he is. He will say “I’ll send the video of her building the tower for them to ignore again”.
Its so difficult to engage with that! Your partner must be so sad inside that they dont care. I think eventually your partner will give up and stop trying himself . My BIL doesn’t speak to his mum anymore because she never really bothered with their son and that took around 3 yrs of her not putting in effort!
@Becky oh I’m sorry to hear that. It’s really awful. He explodes because he’s sad and angry. He sees how my family is, even with him, and it hurts him so much. Makes me so sad. My family all made sure he had his birthday presents on the actual day, travelling 45 mins to deliver it the day before to make sure! His mum and dad gave him his card and present the weekend after. His brother and sister in law completely forgetting his birthday one year. But he won’t say anything. He is quite mild but will then argue so much with me and I do go back because I won’t be subject to that when he is frustrated with them. I try and be there for him as much as possible and I try so much to organise days out as a family, going to see them but it always falls flat. Sorry it’s turning into a bit of a therapy session but it’s nice to get it out and talk to people who don’t know me who aren’t biased
Your husband has to set them straight but it seems that he’s arguing with you too so maybe some marriage counseling can help. If he doesn’t get that he needs to have your back always, this will continue being a problem.
I think it's really hard to give an opinion on this when we're only hearing your side of things tbh. I know that being postpartum can definitely make us more sensitive and cause to take things the wrong way/not the way they were intended. As you previously got on fine with your MIL, I feel this is what's happening here. She's not wrong to say you shouldn't favour your own mum more, i assume what she actually means is that it shouldn't mean that your own mum sees more of your baby than her, as afterall baby is also their grandchild too. For the sake of your husband you need to find common ground and talk to her WITHOUT getting defensive or emotional. If you intend on being married for a long time then you need to sort this out for the sake of your husband and kids, if not your own.