Boundaries

Okay so I've been mulling over this for a while and I just need some un biased outside perspective. I'll start this out with my mother and I have a rocky relationship. She's the cause of a lot of past trauma and was (still is actually) very manipulative and controlling over her kids. Me especially (I'm 26 and married btw) For this and. plethora of reasons, I have kept her at arms length regarding a lot of things. My pregnancy was no exception. I didn't tell her I had essentially eloped and then shortly after got pregnant with my first baby. She's involved now and sees him at least monthly. So with that all said, onto my issues. The issue is the weird comments she makes. Example #1, when I was over at her house, just me and my baby, my husband was working (this is important info cause he's usually with us) she's started saying "OH he doesn't even FEEL like my grandson, he feels like he's mine because I wasn't there to see you give birth" Thats just really threw me for a loop and am realizing how crazy that statement actually is as i type it out. Another example is I was changing his diaper, it was poop, and she was making comments like "Grandma would clean you..." this way or "grandma would do.." X thing. I kinda just ignored those but then I found myself trying to justify myself and how I know how to change a diaper to her and she just blew me off. It was frustrating. These incidents all happened last month. The just yesterday I was talking on the phone with her while I was shopping. She was saying how she missed her grandson and he's getting so big! Typical grandparent stuff. THEN she started saying how "it's just so weird not to be there everyday with him. I'm missing out on so much." And I said yeah, I get that and that's just how it goes with grandparents, you just can't be there for everything. She got real quiet and then said "Well I'm just not used to missing out on my babies milestones." And I had to remind her he is not "her baby". She just changed the subject immediately and started talking about how she was just saying to my dad there "in that phase of life agin where they are looking at baby clothes and toys" Is it just me or are these interactions starting to cross some lines and should I be stricter and more vocal about my boundaries? Or am I overreacting? I've talked to husband about these incidents, minus the last one because I just haven't had the chance yet.

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Oh I just remembered another incident that seems crazy to me. This was around 3 months ago. She asked what we did over the weekend and I told her that we got a friend to babysit and we went out to dinner just my husband and I for a date night. (My mom lives over 4 hours away btw) She went off on me saying how I couldn't trust "Just anybody" with my baby and how she "should be the only one watching him because she's the only one I can trust." I reminded her this wasn't just anyone. It was a friend we've known for YEARS a full adult who's actually older than my husband and I and that did she forget my son also has other family too that could watch him, not just her? And that he's MY son, not hers, so I would be the one choosing who and not sho to trust with him. She didn't like that and hung up on me and didn't contact me for a few days. Not that I really cared, honestly.

Firstly I’d like to say I’m sorry that you are going through this. I’d definitely be continuing to keep her at arms length. This is made easier having the distance between you at 4 hours. I’ve been through similar with family members with my first child and really stuck to my guns with boundaries and shutting down any unwanted comments. I won’t lie it wasn’t easy and at times I questioned myself, but my partner and I had many conversations about what we both wanted for our child and how to move forward together and stick to everything we’d laid out. It is not easy and took us almost 2 years to get to where we are now but we can happily say now that those particular family members are involved in our life, on good terms and respect the boundaries that we put in place.

Just to also add into my above comment. One family member I cut contact with twice with because the boundaries being crossed took the absolute biscuit. That family member apologised for their actions and is now a very active member of the our and the children’s lives and our relationship has never been better for it. Xxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm still pregnant and I know it's going to be a clusterfuck with my mother when baby comes. She's already mad we are moving 1.5 hours away and will be living with my in laws for a bit (my MIL is a nurse and 18 years younger than my mother so even logistically it makes sense). Oh and I'm not 100% sure it sunk in that she's not allowed to be there when I give birth. I automatically get the ick for things like this but I'm also primed for it. I've already decided that my mother will never be alone with my children. Like within eyes and ears of me or my husband at all times when with baby. Happy to chat if you need someone who understands! Ive also found some good IG accounts that talk about stuff like this.

I would say this is definitely crossing some lines and I would have a conversation about boundaries. I can relate in the sense that I have a difficult relationship with my mother as well, it has somewhat improved since I’ve had my daughter but it’s because of the way I approach things. Nonetheless I’ve had to put my foot down in certain circumstances as my daughter comes first and any sort of ignorance towards my rules is unacceptable. I do feel you need to have a conversation with your mother but, given what you’ve stated the conversation may not go well or even be meaningful in the way you intend it to be.

@Emily This really gives me hope! Thabk you for sharing. I am so happy that you got that outcome. I am hopeful I will this too one day. For now I definitely plan on continuing keeping her at arms length. My husband is in agreement with me on this from day one. He unfortunately doesn't have the best relationship with his mother either. My kids two biological grandma's are keep at arms length status, but he has a step grandma (husband's step mom) who's actually fantastic so we have that going for us lol!

@Bri Yeah my mother also hated the fact we moved away. We did what was best for us and I'm sure you are too. My mom really couldn't come with terms I didn't want anyone in the room with me but the care team of doctors and nurses and my husband. I wish you all the luck with that. But sounds like you'll be fine if you're already laying those foundation of boundaries. I would definitely like to take you up on that offer! I'll send you a DM!

@Nikki Yeah ours has improved somewhat as well. She's still very hurtful at times but it's fewer and farther between now. These comments and weird possessiveness of my son, as I see it, is just so weird to me. I will definitely have a conversation with her with my husband present. She'll bulldose the conversation if he isn't ugh. But yeah, you're right, things like this have definitely fallen on deaf ears before.

Thank you all for making me feel less alone in all this! 🫶🏼

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