Relationship with partner
Show your support
We’ve had sex twice since I gave birth and my daughter is 12 months old. Took at least 6 months before the first time! Right now the priority is baby and looking after your physical and mental health. Be a good team, appreciate what you both do for baby, and it will get better.
First I want to say, I hear you and I see you. Postpartum is not easy and it is actually very normal for relationships to become extremely strained in the trenches of new parenting. Your feelings and concerns are valid but I encourage you to sit down with your husband and just talk. Share your feelings and let him share his feelings and really see if you can find a way to highlight that bond that you feel has disappeared, even if it's just once a day. My husband and I also struggled a lot with this. We were both exhausted, experiencing parenthood for the first time, and I was struggling with severe postpartum rage. Our daughter is almost 10 months old and we finally sat down last week and talked about everything. Every concern, every feeling, every thing we miss about our lives before our daughter. Once we finished talking it was like a switch flipped. We both understood how the other was feeling and since then, it's felt like a little piece of our old selves have slowly started to return every day.
It won't by any means be an easy discussion. You're probably going to want to interrupt each other, defend yourselves, and there may be upset feelings, but it is so important to just sit down and listen to each other after such a life altering event has happened. Try and make an agreement after your talk about a way you and your husband can have some you time without the baby (for example, mine and my husband's agreement was that we would spend at least 30 minutes each day during our daughter's nap doing something we enjoy like playing a video game or board game) it's easy to forget to nurture your relationship when there's a little human who needs you every second of the day, but it's so important to make time for each other and in doing so, you'll foster a relationship that can get through anything ❤️
I'll be honest, having a baby is tough on your relationship in those early days, but it shouldn't affect it THIS badly! Do you prioritise your baby above everything else? As it is so important to put effort into our relationships, and to actually talk! We still bicker, but we also sit and talk calmly. We remind each other that we love each other and that we planned our baby. We also now acknowledge that it's tough, but we need to stick together and support each other. I didn't breastfeed though, as i wanted that support from my partner
@Rebecca you are right but as I mentioned, we’re so burnt out that have no energy or desire left to put in the effort. My husband has been working 7 days a week since a few years and i am a new first time mum which has us both at our breaking point. We don’t have a ‘village’ to help us out. It is literally just the two of us since day 1. Secondly, i am just struggling to be a mum and other than being burnt out, i think I am just grieving for the old life when it was just the two of us and the relationship we had. I am consumed by it. Lots of other factors also add into it, like it was an unplanned pregnancy, my heart wasn’t in it. Lastly, baby is super clingy, have to hold him throughout the day and contact nap at night. We don’t intentionally prioritise him but have no choice.
All parents get burn out, I definitely do as I also have2 other kids besides my 9.5 month old baby. For a start, your husband needs to stop working 7 days a week, that's crazy, so no wonder you never have any Time together and you never get a break! Also,we don't have a village either, bar maybe 2 weekends a year my parents have baby overnight. Lastly, you need to stop encouraging your baby to be clingy, it's not good to contact nap to sleep at night, therefore you need to sleep train your baby. If you don't address these things it won't get better. You ARE prioritising your baby though, you and your husband don't even have your own bed at night because you don't teach your baby to sleep in his own bed!
@Elizabeth i am so sorry to hear thag but at the same time it is reassuring. Not only has my libido not returned but i feel so numb, don’t even like the idea of a kiss. I am breastfeeding and have read it usually is because of the hormones.
@Robyn thank you for your reassuring words! I also seem to have zero patience and experiencing postpartum rage. Occasionally my husband will say why i am being moody and that has become so triggering to hear. I think no matter how loving your partner is, men just never will understand the physical and mental turmoil motherhood is.
@Kristina you’re right communication is key and letting it all out in a respectful manner. Sadly only i have been the one to share my emotions and just sit down and be real. My husband doesn’t express anything. I wish he did, even if it’s nust to say how freaking hard everything is.
Oh my love, I'm so sorry to hear that but I promise you IT WILL GET BETTER. Your hormones are raging and you are knackered, everything seems so much worse. Eventually they feed less and sleep in bigger blocks and things start to feel normal. You are still in the trenches. As hard as it sounds, this time isn't important you two, all your energy goes on the baby and slowly slowly everything will get easier and you will find you have more time for each other. My husband is my best friend and it's been testing for us and there have been tough days, still are and there will be more but it's just a phase and you will come out the other side. Don't put pressure on each other, just manage the baby day to day and im sure it'll get better for both of you in time. Hang in there!