I want to put my toddler up for adoption.

Consistency and knowing you have boundaries that you will uphold is key. If you have tried taking her dummy away but keep giving it back, she knows there are no boundaries. She knows that if you say “no dummy anymore” that it doesn’t actually mean anything because if she screams enough you’ll just give it back to her. When you give in, you are reinforcing the behaviour. You are increasing both the number of tantrums she had and the intensity of them because you’re literally telling her that mummy and daddy don’t actually mean what they say. Having firm boundaries that if she pushes against don’t move is so important, and continually dealing with problems in the same way is what will help here xx

I have a toddler (he turned 2 last month) and he's hard work, he hits me, he will shout (babble) at me, he will throw himself to the floor and he loves his dummy and will cry when we try to take it from him BUT I could never imagine putting him up for adoption because he throws tantrums because he can't quite regulate his feelings or express them as he wants to. We just put boundaries in place. He's the youngest of 6 boys so he's starting to copy their behaviour and if it's something that he's not meant to be doing I will distract him with something I know he will enjoy xx

Is this a serious post? Toddlers are hard. Extremely hard. But I’ve never heard someone say they can’t stand their child. Of course we want a break and peace and quiet sometimes! But it sounds like you maybe give her her way too much? If you’re sticking to firm boundaries, the tantrums should be reducing when telling her no after she sees that you’re not going to give in. Every child is different so what works for other children might not work for her. You have to stick to what you say and mean it. Find what type of discipline works for her. Have you tried a behavioral therapist? Have you tried therapy for yourself? If you truly can’t stand your child then she probably senses that. What’s her diet like? Dyes and sugar are the number one cause of behavioral issues.

I know we're not here to judge but excuse me?? You don't want to be her mother and you can't stand her?? I pray to God I don't see a new story about you two. Are you in the bay area? Maybe we can set up a playdate and talk

Exactly what Blair said. Consistent, clear, and firm boundaries are extremely important. Anytime she throws a fit because she doesn't get her way and then you let her have her way, it's telling her that all she has to do is scream and cry and she'll get it.

Throw the whole toddler away 🤣🤣🤣 Seriously, I'm sorry you're going through this. It was difficult to take the pacifier from my daughter and she had it til she was 3 and a half. One day I just took it and sang that it went bye bye and RIP binky. I had her singing RIP binky and it was pretty funny. She cried a few nights in a row, but eventually accepted the binky's fate. Before we made it to the point of taking it completely we slowly took it away at other times until she only had it at night.

She’s just being a child I’m afraid. Toddlers go through this stage :(

That’s tough. You definitely sound burned out. Raising kids wasn’t supposed to be a one person job or two (as in just the parents). Hunt, Gather, Parent is a good book to help you navigate parenthood with some great advice.

Comparing a toddler to an addict is such an odd thing to do. It sounds like you are the issue here, not the child. You should look at how to work on yourself and regulating your own emotions alongside gaining realistic expectations of what a toddler is capable of. I would also vocalise how you are feeling to your family and those round you so those people can act appropriately if needed.

I'm sorry, but if you think this is bad, you ain't had a teenager yet 😅. Now they ARE savage! You need to have boundaries and actually enforce them! If you don't want her having the dummy anymore, then take it away and MEAN it. I know its easier just to give in sometimes, but you really are doing yourself no favours by doing that. When my kids were toddlers and had tantrums I just put them in another room until they stopped, I ain't gonna listen to that shit 🤣

Toddlers are notorious for being difficult, surely you know that…sounds similar to my 2.5 year old. I’m currently trying to wean her from breastfeeding and she does the same when I say no. Screaming, wailing, hitting, etc that’s what toddlers do tho, I certainly don’t love her any less or feel that this is how she’ll always be. I really think, even though you’ve said it’s not a mental health thing, you should seek therapy. Maybe a family therapist. Something more is going on here with you, and I’ve found a big part of parenting is managing our own triggers. Something about her behaviour is triggering something very uncomfortable in yourself and unless you seriously are willing to go through with abandoning your child, you need to address it with a professional asap

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Can he do more to lighten your load? If you’re seriously thinking this you need to speak to someone in real life for support.

Earplugs! Meaning having boundaries and knowing tantrums doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong, it’s just them. Put in earplugs or audiobook and let them throw tantrums. Parks and sensory play let them release energy. Also help, any help you can get relatives, paid help, gym free childcare, play dates.

You’ve just described a totally normal toddler. It passes. Then it comes back, then it passes again. They just need to learn they aren’t in charge. Sounds like you probably need a few hours break from each other. Do you get any time to yourself when she goes to day care or out with family? If not it’s time for dad to get her away from you for a few hours

Toddlers are extremely emotional and not rational at all. They are in their emotional bodies at development level. Their emotions are developing and their emotional understanding is very immature. It's the start. Planting dummies is a good way to get them to stop using it. Sweets or toys grow when they plant it. Or you could leave it on a tree for the dummy fairy and leave a toy behind for them. Toddlers have tantrums. It's just their way of getting frustrated with not speaking properly and being told what to do constantly.

Ummmmm maybe send her to one of her grandparents for a while sounds like you need a break…… so you can take care of yourself and maybe get some alone time with your husband; also take that back cause I know you didnt mean that!

Also the paci’s just throw them all away when she goes to sleep she’ll forget about it in a few weeks hope this helps…

This guys whole account is rather helpful in my opinion. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DGT6K_WNGy7/?igsh=Mjl6czJsM256MDl0

Some days are hard. With the pacifier, you throw them all away on trash day. Tell her that they are all gone. My kids have tantrums and I just walk away and ignore them. They realize they aren’t getting attention or their way, they stop. Even when we are out in public, if they cry, I tell them they can cry and it won’t change anything. Does it suck hearing them cry or throw a tantrum? Yes! But find out the way that works for you both that leads to less tantrums. Also, get your husband involved, so you both don’t cave. It sucks when you set rules and your spouse caves because he’s confused on what you meant! Take one day at a time. Might take a month or two, but you got this!

I second the hunt gather parent book. Excellent choice. Girl. Feel free to message me. I’m in the thick of it too with naps. I know you don’t mean to say you want her gone, but feeling at your wits end is a lot to handle. And she’s so small and you wonder… how can this be? How can a kid do this ? Lol

I also second the advice to ignore the tantrum. Throw them away and ride it out

@Demi I trashed them a week ago. My baby doesn’t care for them but she’s still begging for it. I took it away last year and for 8 months she didn’t sleep. No naps and fought bedtime for 5/6 hours. I was 9 months pregnant and gave it back because I needed to sleep. So did my husband we wouldn’t get to bed until well past midnight because of her. She’s always been strong willed. I’d try something and it would work for a month or two then we’d be back to square one. My son is the complete opposite. As I newborn I would set him in his swing to tend to my toddler and forget he was there because he was so quiet. He’s finding his voice now but he’s very chill and just likes to hang out.

She's clearly not ready just yet. Parents bring pacis into their children's lives for some comfort then expect that comfort to just be taken away one day and for them to be ok with it. Be gentle and gradual. You already said she doesn't accept comfort from you or anyone as a way of calming down, so why take away the thing that is working right now -and that was introduced by yourselves. This is definitely just a season in your parenting journey. Take some time out and reset. It's essential you're on her team x

@Alison because it’s causing her dental issues. She’s been mouth breathing for a while, she has a bad cross bite and her bottom and top jaw are misaligned.

You could be on a slippery slope comparing her to her brother. Babies and toddlers are different in terms of their behaviour and aside from that they’re two different people. If she starts being ‘the difficult one’ in your head sooner or later she’ll know that and no child needs that weight on their shoulders.

@Jadie I’m reading it right now I’m only on the first part though.

Does she go to nursery or a childminder? Screen time is ok if it means you get a break. Feeling overwhelmed is very normal especially with a toddler!

You can try replacing the pacifier with a different object made for oral stims, there’s a lot of options this is just a tried n true for a lot of people https://www.arktherapeutic.com/ark-grabber-original-oral-motor-chew-tool/

@Margarita we threw them last week. My baby doesn’t care for them so they are just causing issues for her. He’s on the same page. I’ve been ignoring them and they are getting worse. I started ignoring them around 18 months. It worked like magic and she stopped but now they just go on and on and on. This one lasted an hour. She basically wakes up having one. I have no idea what to do for her anymore.

My daughter (2.5 years) is very strong willed too. But I love that about her, it shows her character. I know you are frustrated, and said you can’t stand her, but do you love your daughter? If I’m being totally honest it sounds like you really need some support - I know you said it’s not PPD, but I think if you’re struggling to this extent something is going on, depression, not managing your emotions etc. Toddlers are a handful, they don’t know how to regulate their emotions, everything is brand new to them and they want to be in control all the time. She can probably sense your upset too. I don’t know what the age gap is between her and your son but maybe she’s struggling with not having the attention. Please get some support.

@Sorrel she’s always been strong willed. I’ve just noted a difference in their personalities. so far he’s chill and she’s high strung. I give more attention to her than I do my baby and it’s still not enough for her.

This feeling will eventually go away and u will wish you could get the time back. Then you will feel guilty for all the things you’re saying right now. It takes time being a parent and it can be hard to bond due to many circumstances. Over time it will get easier and your little one will mean everything to you.

Strong willed can be challenging as a parent but I don’t see it as a negative. And many people think of this as a favourable quality in an adult - determined, independent, firm in their convictions. These qualities don’t just appear over night, it would make sense that some children would be strong willed. There’s lots of reasons she could be highly strung, this can just be normal toddler behaviour, it could be her nature or external factors. Do you feel there’s a chance she could be picking any of this vibe up from you and feeling insecure? I think kids can be very intuitive, more so than they’re often given credit for. What are some qualities your daughter has that you see as positive?

I say therapy

The toddler stage doesn’t last forever… As with every faze in life, like time, it’ll pass. I’m completely shocked by this post, but also sympathetic because toddlers really are hard work. My little one smashed my brand new phone today within half an hour of it arriving, so I’m here using my old phone as if I didn’t even have a new one 😂 Am I annoyed? Yes. Do I regret being a mum? Absolutely not. - You need to seek out help, any family/friends willing to support? - Can you send her to nursery for a few hours a day? - What’s wrong with screen time? I know a lot of mums are against it, but my little one watches 15 minutes of a fun & educational show twice a day that he enjoys, that gives me a little breather. That’s half an hour of screen time in 24 hours, it makes a big difference… - Bid that binkie a final farewell please. Make a big deal of the sending off ceremony by tying it to some helium balloons & saying goodbye so she can finally let it go 😌

Have you tried therapy for yourself or her? Maybe she’s neurodivergent? Maybe you do have PPD but don’t realize it? Or maybe she’s jealous that her parents’ attention is on the new baby. There’s no shame in any of that, but if you genuinely feel like kicking your toddler to the curb that is a problem that needs to be addressed by you and your partner. If you genuinely can’t stand her it’s time to loop your partner in on how you feel so your family unit can seek any outside help it may need to start functioning in a way that works for all of you.

Toddlers are toddlers and this is how they are, but it is a phase. Does your Husband support you, have you talked to your husband about this. How does he feel about adoption,pretty sure he would have something to say.

@Sorrel I’m not sure. I definitely have a hard time going with the flow but actively make an effort to not put any of that stress on her. (It stresses out my husband so it’s been something I’m working on for his sake too the only thing I’ve asked from his is at least an hour heads up). She’s genuinely hilarious, smart as a whip and very persistent. She’s very sweet too, she’s such a good big sister.

I’m confused you’re considering putting you toddler up for adoption because she’s upset about losing her dummy ? She’s 1.5 years old - you should take it away at this age as she will not understand why. Leave it until she’s a little older. She’s a toddler this is normal behaviour. Be kinder to yourself and do things your way not the way people tell you to do it x

Poor baby 💔💔💔

I have been on the struggle bus with my daughter since birth. She’s 3 now & we’re finally at a point where I actually like spending time with her. I have had similar feelings, but it does get better. Like others have said, therapy for you might be a great idea. You might just need a break from her. Don’t you feel you would miss her if you spent even several days away from her?

@Jade she’s going on 3. I nursed for 18 months. It’s just been a build up and I’m having a hard time right now.

@Bria yep poor baby. I vented online in alone my bedroom while her dad sat with her. I should’ve just beat and screamed at her like my daddy did to me huh?

@Katie occasioanlly my husband will take her to the gym or to his brother house for a few hours. I’m always glad to see her but miss her during that time. He says I wouldn’t last a day away but I would love a few days to myself. It’s not going to happen… I’ve already asked for it.

My 2nd daughter was very similar. Through her first 2 years of life I'd call my mom in tears saying I was going to bring her to the fire station. Turns out she has ADHD and is on the spectrum. It's very hard to get through the early years but I promise it's worth it once you see them flourish, after getting the help they need. Sending you love 💕

I couple of months ago, I saw a video of a mom saying what she does when her kid throws a tantrum. She sits down and files her nails. She explained why she does that and does not get on her phone. It’s been a while, so that’s all I remember. When my kids wake up, they sometimes wake up in a bad mood. Regardless, they calm down when I give them their milk. If it’s really bad, I put on Mrs Rachel and give them their favorite toys. You know your child the best. Use what they like to your advantage. Both my kids like to go outside, so taking them outside when they are in a bad mood calms them down. The backyard.

The fact that you do miss her when she’s away & are glad to see her, is a great thing!! Hard days won’t always last, just know you’re not alone & try to hang in there 🫶🫶

@Margarita sounds like one of the bratbusters lady’s videos. I started just sitting next to my toddler after I heard her say that’s what she did. It worked for a while and they eventually stopped but they have returned to being next level bad. I spend a lot of time outside. Things are easier outside.

@Chrissy these days I’m constantly thinking that she might be on the spectrum in some way. She doesn’t really show any other signs. I recently read about ODD which sounds like her.

I think it’s fine to acknowledge you’re having a tough time right now but remember the ‘right now’ bit. It sounds like your daughter is having a tough time right now too. I’m not diminishing it but this isn’t forever. If you stress enough that it affects your husband maybe you might unknowingly putting that out there more than you realise. But at least you’re someone who’s open to reflecting and working on things. Use that. 3 is notoriously a tough age. Loads of big feelings, still learning to regulate emotions (which can regress with big life changes like new siblings or removing a source of comfort like her dummy). Does your husband know you’re really at the end of your rope? Maybe he just thinks you’re venting rather than struggling? On a practical note, are things improved at all with time outdoors, being physical? I think that can be great for anyone to regulate and run off some steam.