Infant loss

Not really sure what I’m looking for right now I guess support….but why is this pregnancy thing so hard. We lost our little girl November 8th 2024. I had 3 losses prior to our perfect almost 3 year old daughter. We decided to try for one more precious kiddo and everything was going so good. I was on the same medication protocol as my first I had ultrasounds once a month then in my third trimester it switched to twice a week tests and she was growing and kicking like crazy. October 22nd at 38 weeks I went in for my regular test everything looked great and I went to pick up my 2 year old from her grandparents house and started feeling sick. First I thought I was just coming down with something but then I got really nervous and started feeling even worse. I called my husband to come home and my mother in law to pick me up and after my husband arrived we went to the hospital. They did some tests and said everything seemed fine that I must just have a bug and decided I could go home. I told them I didn’t feel comfortable I still felt off but they said there was nothing left to do that all test came back fine and I already took Tylenol and that’s all they could give me and discharged me but that if I still felt off to come back. The next day all the symptoms I had were gone but I felt like she wasn’t kicking enough but I wasn’t sure if I was just being paranoid. As soon as I told my husband I was ready to go in she went back to her normal crazy kicking and everything seemed fine. The next day she was still kicking but I was still paranoid and again as soon as I decided to go in she was back to normal. The next day I went in for my second test of the week and they said she had low activity and sent me to the hospital. Where I arrived around noon and they spent hours monitoring me with continued low activity but heart rate stable till around 3 I think where I called my husband to leave work early they were going to break my water because something wasn’t right then things got even worse but idk what they were hoping for….I was in shock and confused and things kept escalating and my husband had just made it in time before they took me for emergency cesarean around 5 and she was born shortly after. They did everything to bring her back but it was too late and we had no idea. They switch her to two different hospitals where they expected us to be there but they wouldn’t allow to leave of course. Then it was vague no matter how much I pushed for information they kept giving us the run around. Till finally spoke to palliative care who told us she wasn’t going to make it and we decided to let her go after 2 weeks of hope. She passed in my arms the first and only time I held her. Now about 5 months Postpartum we are TTC again I know it sounds crazy but it’s what we chose to do no one will replace our Ellora but it just feels so wrong to not have my baby in my arms. I know getting pregnant again won’t fix anything but it just feels like I’m missing a whole part of my heart and out 2 year old asks about her baby sister and we have all these baby things and we just want another baby so bad. This will be our 3rd month trying and I know we aren’t out yet I’m only 8dpo but it just sucks having to go through this waiting again. With my first earthside birth and Ellora I found out around now so it’s hard to not feel nervous we will be out again this month.