What should I do?

Hi 👋 I've been struggling a bit with my MIL and I wanted some outside perspective. Back story - I recently decided to stop talking to my mother. A decision I made postpartum. I lived one-on-one with my mom for most of my childhood. There was a lot of emotional abuse "you should go cut your wrists," there was some physical abuse - hitting me on my back during panic attacks. My mom is an alcoholic and she has borderline personality disorder. She struggles a lot and I suspect she was abused by her mom. I wish her the best but there is so much pain there. She triggers me really easily and I also want to protect my daughter. Ive seen her sneak medicine into food (sleeping meds in neighbor's food) and just crazy things like that. I made the decision to cut her out because I want to be the best mom I can be. I don't want to carry this with me and I want to protect my daughter. I've been in therapy for a long time. I can't continue the relationship with my mom. I really can't. Problem - my MIL keeps bringing up how bad she feels for my mom that she isn't included in my daughter's life. Ive tried opening up a few times but i felt shut down. Like, she was uncomfortable and didn't want to talk about it. It hurts me that my MIL worries and cares about my mom but doesn't seem to care as much about our relationship. She didn't like me when we first met and tried to warn her son off of me. But, it was weird...I was doing well in school and I wasn't a partier. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years now. I still feel like she doesn't like me. It hurts especially because my mom and I don't have a relationship. There's other things that she's done that makes me feel like she doesn't like me and I'm not sure what to do. Should I give up on trying to be closer to my MIL? Should I try opening up again?

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Not unlike your choice with your mom you should what is best for you and your family. I you feel shut down and she is unwilling to hear why you made that decision that’s her choice. You can ask you husband to step in and talk to her (ask her to stop bringing up your mom and if she’s has questions about why then she can talk to you).

Could you get your husband to explain the situation and why you have no contact with your mum, and ask for her to stop making comments she may respond better with it coming from him

Thanks for responding! My husband has talked to her one on one. He's been really supportive. But, my MIL keeps bringing it up to him even though my husband has tried to explain to her that this is what's best for our family. She just keeps bringing it up on how she feels sorry for her. It's like she's not understanding.

Well done for persevering on your journey 🙏 I’d ask your partner to speak to her properly and lay down the law. I’d give her one last chance to listen to you, really listen, and if she doesn’t get it then I’d accept it and just keep the relationship friendly but not close. Protect your peace hun, it’s expensive these days 😘

So I voted accept it and distance yourself but I also feel like your husband should explain the situation, and ask her if she genuinely feels that someone with alcoholism, a history of physical abuse and personality disorder should be a part of her granddaughter’s life

My MIL has never liked me. Her whole family is enmeshed and it’s very toxic. She’s very hurt that my BIL and I have pulled her kids out of the toxicity. Her kids now see it and they’re working to fix/heal from it. I keep my distance anymore until they can learn to be respectful to me and our boundaries.

@Carly I respect your boundaries. It's hard with family. I wouldn't call my MIL toxic (as compared to my mom 🫠) but I do think she's very codependent on her sons since she was a single mom. I think this is what is making this even harder. Her other son still lives with her and they also work together. She sometimes treats her sons as "husbands" unintentionally. There's been some weird moments

@Christina @Kath @Liv @Mee thank you for the input ❤️ I'm leaning toward one more time with my husband's help and, if it still ends the same, just trying to be friendly but not close. It sucks but at least I know my husband will have my back.

Your mom and MIL grew up in an era where kids were seen not heard, and children respected authority even if that authority hurt them, so it will be extremely hard for your MIL to see your POV because that would have never been an option in her time. It's a limitation from her end, and a complete disregard to you and your feelings. If you and your husband have spoken to her and she still does it I'd step aside for awhile. Especially after your next attempt. People never seem to ask when a parent and child relationship is fractured what the parent did that led their own child to not speak or have a relationship with them, it's always the other way around.

I completely cut off my dad he is a terrible person and Alot of people say he's ur dad u should forgive him its so infuriating it's completely ur desishon who is in ur life the way I look at it with my dad is would I want him to say that to my littel one if u think it's the right decision imagine if she said that to your child ude be raging .when people say things like that to me I just say I'm a grown up I can chose who I have in my life and that's it I don't want to talk about them so ide appreciate if ude stop crosing my boundaries and respect that it's my desishon

So annoying when people around think that they know better, trust your gut girl and don’t let anyone to tell you better. Maybe you should tell her your decisions is not her business. If she doesn’t like you maybe she is just looking for more drama.

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