struggling

hi mamas, so my baby daddy has been in prison for over year and is due to be released soon. I was a victim of DV for about 3 years with this man, and was in denial for a long time. i finally mustered up the courage to move on about 2 months ago. everything was going okay but me and my new partner keep having these little arguments and falling out constantly. I’m a new mum, my daughter is 3 months old and sometimes I have a very short fuse especially when I’m being nagged or moaned at. Couple days ago we had this massive argument and it got really heated, I pushed him and grabbed his coat. He said some really fucked up things that caused me to react badly. He called me a terrible mother, he threatened me with the social services, blamed me for the way my baby daddy treated me and basically said everything under the sun he knew would hurt my feelings. This was all because he woke up in a horrible mood and shouted at me, so I shouted back and told him I’m not gonna put up with being spoken to like a dickhead. Regardless of the reasons I got so worked up I feel so horrible because I never wanted to be the person that gets angry and aggressive but I suppose the relationship I had w my baby daddy really took its tole on how I am in new relationships. I do genuinely feel ashamed of myself, but he wants to work past it. What do you ladies think I should do? Because I never want anything like that to happen again.. I wouldn’t say I have anger issues but I am severely emotional, and prone to snapping. Do you think I should reach out for some help? I take accountability for reacting the way I had but I can’t help feeling like he also pushed me to the point of exploading. he basically just makes it out like it was all me and I’m just crazy and traumatised from my last relationship. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m losing my mind. Is he gaslighting me? Am I actually a piece of shit? IDFKKKKKK

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You 100% are not a piece of shit! As a survivor myself I completely get what you’re going through! You start to build up this hard front and you will go into fight or flight mode, the best thing I ever did was contact MyCWA (if you are in Cheshire) they really helped me navigate my emotions x

Have you been offered to do The Freedom programme? It will be run by your local DV women’s support group. Do find out where you can do it if you haven’t, see this link. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You're at an extremely vulnerable point in your life. Postpartum is no joke and unfortunately your new partner sounds very unsupportive. Someone with your best interests in mind would never talk to you that way, knowing that you're a new mother and understanding your past (assuming he knows about the abuse from your ex). Someone who loves you and your baby wouldn't throw your painful past in your face. Speaking candidly, your new partner sounds like an asshole, who is taking advantage of your past with your ex. Like in a "I treat you better than him, so you have no reason to complain" kind of way. Maybe he treats you well sometimes, but I promise the person you're meant to be with would never ever ever say the things he's said to you. Please think about your daughter in 20 or 30 years. If she came to you, with her little one in her arms, and told you about her new partner's behaviour after years of abuse from an ex, what would you say? Would you tell her she's crazy? That she's overreacting?

I hope you find the strength to leave and give yourself and your baby the life you deserve. If you're only 2 months in and your partner is acting like that, things will absolutely not get better. As for reaching out for help, definitely do it! Have you had counselling for everything you went through with your ex? It could help you heal and adjust your perception on what a healthy relationship looks like. Talk to your doctor and see what kind of support you'll be able to access. Good luck and congratulations on your bub! Please message me if you need a friend to chat to!

Abuse comes in many different forms, he pushed you to the point of a reaction and then gaslit you to the point where you’re confused. Just because he hasn’t hit you, it’s still abuse and unfortunately after being in an abusive relationship, we are more likely to end up in another. Really sit and think about things he may have said in the past. Has there been any controlling aspects? X

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