Mom disappointment

I am trying to figure out how to deal with the disappointment I feel about my own mother. For some background, my mother was a NICU/Peds NP most of my life. Always said she loved babies. When I was pregnant, she was very excited and engaged. When i was about to give birth she would talk to my husband and I about how they would be up where we live every other month and help out and watch baby and spend time with the baby. Baby was born and she was happy and wanted to help out and stayed with us a few weeks. She left back home and came back a few months later. Initially excited and wanting to hold the baby and help. After about a week it was like a switch flipped. She became disengaged, she didn't want to help out or hold the baby as much. She made a comment about not being cut out to be a babysitter, etc. Basically spent the rest of that trip just being hands off. Ok, that is fine. I wish she would have talked to me about concerns she had. At the end of her visit she said she would be back in a few weeks. Fast forward and months have passed. She and my father are visiting again. When she told me about her trip, they were going to stay from the 8-20. Now they are leaving this Saturday. I do not know why. And this whole trip, she has not wanted to even really touch or interact with the baby. When she talks about our baby it's usually something negative, like thighs are too fat, face is too fat, etc. My father, this whole time, has been amazing. He cannot get enough of our baby and wants to hold all the time. I am having a hard time reconciling the baby loving mother I grew up with, the one who was so excited in the first few months, to now a person who wants nothing to do with my baby. She seems like she is actively trying to stay away (havent even heard from her much less seen her in a few days) and trying to keep my father away. And I don't know why. She won't talk to me about it. And it is really bothering me. Any advise?

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Honestly a sit down conversation is necessary because only she can answer your questions. Its definitely strange behavior. I would honestly tell her that a conversation is necessary or I would be going no contact at that point, at least for a little while. If someone, especially my mother, was actively avoiding my child then they do not need to be in my home.

@MK i have tried and I just get the "everything is fine" response. She won't talk about it. I don't know what else to do.

Can you try asking your father and see if he has a better insight ?

I would say maybe just share with her how you have been feeling since she's not telling you what is going on. Finish by saying you wish she would engage with you so you could at least hear her side, but without her engagement you are quite upset. It's then down to her to ignore your feelings or decide to talk

Oh man! I could have written this myself. I don’t necessarily have any advice, but my mother has had a very similar evolution and I don’t know what to make of it. She constantly bothered me about when I was having kids, talked about moving out here once the baby was born, always says “I don’t know how I can go back to the other side of the country and live without having the baby nearby!” And then disappears for months. She has changed his diaper once in his 22 months of life. While she’s here, she spends more time making Starbucks runs and “catching up from jet lag” than actually helping or spending time with the baby. She literally will not fly out here between October and June because the only airline that runs nonstop flights only does them seasonally, and she refuses to have layovers while traveling. The last time I saw her was when we flew to visit them in November. I am pregnant again, and not even a mention of coming for a visit between now and when the new baby is born.

I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. My mom was like that at the beginning because my baby looked just like my stillborn brother. I found out 5 years after my son was born that I even had another brother. We never know what hurt them because they keep it to themselves to save us. Maybe she is going through emotions.

@Lisa Marie i didn't think of that. Good point.

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