Boundaries

So to us, if they are in me and my husbands house our rules go. They can't dictate what we allow them or not allow them to do and vise versa. That's just what works for us. We've decided if they aren't with us for holidays then we just don't celebrate it for them. If they are with us then of course we celebrate. Reason being is bm has another child with new husband and we are afraid if we buy the kids toys or anything they will either throw it out or give it to the younger one bc they are just that selfish. So we've decided when they are with us we get presents and whatnot and when they are with them they get them presents and so forth. Birthdays we'll get them each just one present bc we will never have them for their birthdays so we do get them something or my husband will fly to the state they are in. Even without them we celebrate holiday normally since we also have a child and another on the way. We do the best we can with only having 30% custody now since we live on opposite sides of the US.

@Brianna would you be able to share how convos were initiated to help set that dynamic? Was your partner on board or did he have any initial hesitations etc ?

So from the very beginning we set the rules of my house my rules bc we all parents differently then the other. That was more of an unspoken rule, we never discussed that it was always just assumed. Now for holidays me and hubby had a long discussion about it bc they just moved a year ago. And what prompted us being like "you know what? Whatever toys we get them stays at our house" was bc when they would get in trouble they weren't allowed to play with their toys or they were only allowed to play with their toys if they allowed her younger son (who is YEARS behind both kids) was playing with it too. And of course that's not fair. A 12 yr old doesn't want to play with a 2 years old. 🙄 and they would get into trouble and toys taken away if they didn't include the baby which is totally insane. So we buy them super expensive toys unlike the bm. We let them have video games and very expensive Legos for my SS. And the way BM parents it's honestly just awful, actually will take her to court soon.

So we decided not to send toys to their house for holidays so they can't take away what we gave them. We will send extra money for Santa clause present, Halloween costumes, Easter bunny gifts and so forth but we don't send actual presents in fear that they just don't allow them to have it. Husband was a little hesitant when I brought it up but at end of the day knew I was right and agreed with doing that.

My SK live full time with us, so their mom has no saying with our rules in our home, same when they go to visit her we tell them they have to follow her rules, we take turns for Christmas and thanksgiving every other year, if they are with her we celebrate our Christmas before they go or when they come back. Whatever gifts they get from her family they bring home with them because this is their permanent home. All conversations and boundaries were discussed between my husband and their mom, I stay out of it, he always makes sure I’m not the one that has to deal with her. Now we have a 6month old baby together and we’re planning on keep doing things the same, that’s what works for us.