MIL - Please help I really need advice.
Show your support
Yeah I second what Victoria says. Tell the ward/midwives as soon as you arrive that your husband is the only visitor permitted. I’d be quite frustrated at my husband if he wasn’t supporting me in setting some boundaries. She sounds overbearing and selfish and honestly this isn’t about her, she’s had her babies. This is about you. I’d just send a message before you go into hospital saying we’re sharing this with everyone as a reminder, the hospital have said no visitors due to infection risk but once we’re home, settled and ready we’ll let people know when we’re ready for a visit.
Just to add also, something else that has been upsetting me, she started bringing things up like Christmas (I was about 14 weeks pregnant at this point) saying how she was upset that we wouldn’t be spending the baby’s first Christmas at her house (we hadn’t even got through the Christmas of last year yet) because we would be at my mums, she keeps making comments about how she’s going to be ‘missing out’ and how she feels like it’s being taken away from her. She started planning family holidays when the baby won’t even be 6 months old but saying that she will pay for it, she keeps throwing money at everything all the time and I just can’t stand it. My mum could never financially compete and I would never expect her to nor do I want the money/holidays in the first place, in my opinion she feels that if she throws money at us/the baby she will be more entitled than my mum to be around the baby. Everytime my mum buys something she goes out of her way to find something bigger and better
It sounds like MIL is using bribery tactics, as you said, in the hope's of being more entitled to your LO. It'll probably be used at her defense too when you set a boundary she doesn't like in the future "but what about that holiday I paid to take you on", "what about all the support I've given you", etc., etc. Honestly OP, you might have to step in and echo your husband's words back to her so she knows you are both standing firm as a unit. Have him do the heavy lifting first, and then reinforce if she isn't listening. Don't let her sour those first precious moments for you. As others have said, let your medical team know, anyone wanting to come into the delivery room is to be turned away. I'll be doing the same. I've never understood MILs that try to compete with DILs mother. If I ever become a MIL in the future I almost expect that my DIL will prefer to have her own biological mother involved more than me. So long as I get to be involved at all, I don't really care? I don't get it personally.
I'm guessing you've already shared the date with her, but any chance she doesn't know your c section date?! 😬🙈 Stick to what you want, otherwise you'll end up resenting her even more and it'll only get worse as baby gets older.
Thankyou guys so much for the advice. I think im struggling because although my husband sees it I feel like he thinks maybe im just picking holes in every little thing she says! Maybe i am, i have had to deal with this for 10 years of her interfering, but i feel like my response to it is so heightened since being pregnant, i feel so defeated. My husband is the loveliest man in the world and he doesn’t see the bad in anyone! While this is such a great trait to have it’s very emotionally demanding for me in this situation. Maybe im more upset with his response than her actions! I’m just trying to navigate this new world. I will definitely send a message before hand and let the ward know! Xx
I've been like this too incog! Most things I'd be able to brush off pre-pregnancy but have found some behaviours have really wound me up. It absolutely must be the hormones and the protection instinct for our baby's. The thing is, the more we allow people to overstep, the more resentment we build and the what we're left with is a happy MIL getting her own way, and a frustrated mum who isn't having any of her needs met. And right now, you're the most important person in the equation, it's okay to be a little selfish, I think it's all in the approach. If you're being sensitive when bringing up these things with your partner, he really shouldn't be responding with anything but solutions.
@Kim you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head there. That’s exactly how I feel, that she’s happy and is getting her own way because my husband is just ignoring the situation hoping it goes away, and I’m left feeling like I’m on my own and the only person having to fight to have time with my own baby without her interfering/ being over bearing! But yes you’re absolutely right, I think I do need to be a bit more selfish and just stand firm with my decisions! X
is she a boy mum cause it’s giving ✨narcissist✨ if it’s any comfort to you, she might try and show up at the hospital, but they won’t let anyone in without your permission. think you need to tell your partner to drill it in more that she needs to back off cause she’s coming across a bit creepy. you’re not overreacting, mother in laws are crazy.
@Aimee haha yes she is a boy mum! Honestly at this point; nothing I ever do is enough. When I was planning our wedding, I involved her in everything from showing her the venue to even taking her dress shopping with me because I felt sorry for her that she wouldn’t get the opportunity because she only has boys! Even then I heard through the grape vine she was telling people that I hadn’t included her in anything! It’s exhausting!
Yeah I think there's bigger issues underlying with your MIL incog. It's as though she is thriving off of causing drama. Definitely stand your ground on things you are feeling strongly about. Chances are she won't like it, which can be difficult to navigate if you're not really a controversial person – like me. But at the end of the day, she's had her turn and isn't exactly making you feel welcome and loved, and most importantly, you deserve to have this time, that you will never get back, go exactly as you plan for it to. Grandparent entitlement is a real thing and is so so strange to me, it always seems to be the in laws as well... I'd love to see some studies on why that is...
This is absolutely too much and she isn’t respecting your boundaries. it’s nice that she is taking an active interest but she needs to remember that you’re the pregnant one and all those details are intense. it’s great that your husband is supportive and telling her it’s not on. Perhaps you could tell the ward you don’t want visitors no matter who they are? After my c section i had to tell my mum what ward i was on so she could find me. i didn’t have my in laws visit until i was home and more comfortable and i plan the same this time around.