I feel like the worst mom

This sounds really difficult, I don’t have much to say but I’m hoping this changes for you soon!🥺

My 4 y/o girl is the same way. She is the first of everything on both sides so she is beyond spoiled. She likes to think the ruled the world and that we have to bow down to her. When she gets all high and mighty and down right disrespectful I put on my mother's pants and get mean. For example I told her to start picking up her room while I cleaned mine and that I'd come in to help her later. She said "no I don't want to, I boss you not" so I told her if she doesn't start and if I have to do it all then her toys will be mine. Sure enough she didn't want to do anything but stare at me so when I got to her room I cleaned it up and told her she lost everything today. No TV, no toys, no nothing. She just had to sit there. She eventually found things to do and the next day she apologized and got her stuff back after we talked about being nice and taking care of our toys. Today she turned around and bitch slapped her sister across her face so I took her TV away witch made her mad and start hitting and kicking...

Kicking me so I took everything away. She has now complained of being bored but violence and disrespect is a non negotiable in our house. As much as I'd love to always be the 100% perfect gentle parent but there are times and limits that she pushes a little to far and I go into the roots I was raised in, minus hitting my kids

There are obviously days that are just complete crap with us but then there are learning days for both of us. Sometimes I get to mad and after giving a to harsh punishment I'll breath to calm down and talk to her. When she sees me breath she 90% of the time does it with me and it helps calm both of us down to talk. Other times when she is screaming bloody murder at me I simple tell(sometimes yell) that I can't understand her and I'm ready to talk when she calms down. When she does calm down normally we can talk about why she was mad and why I got mad and where to go from there. It's not always 100% but it does help a for the most part. To start breathing through things you can try teaching her to blow out her candles. So put up 5 fingers and have her take big breaths and blow them out one at a time. If she does all 5 and is still struggling then relight the candles and say that magic did it. Introduce this with smaller tantrums first then work up to bigger ones so she knows what to do. Not 100 more like 90%

@Miranda oh you definitely understand what I’m going through! I’m sorry you’re struggling too, but it helps to know I’m not alone. I didn’t think 4 would be harder than 2 and 3 but so far it is. She held out a whole day of not eating zucchini and was refusing breakfast even though I know she was hungry but sure enough I made her eat it this morning. I’m not trying to engage in power struggles but I’m also not giving in because she’s stubborn. She’s done breathing with me before but she’ll try to act silly and think it’s a joke when I’m trying to help her calm down. I’ll try the candle trick I like that.

Yea the fucking 4 are a game changer. She is super sweet but she is also super fucking mean 4 going on 40 😮‍💨 With foods remember that their taste buts are suuuuper sensitive and different. So I wouldn't stress to terribly much as long as she is eating some vegetables and fruits. My kids HATE meat. Won't touch any sort of meat unless it's chicken nuggies or hot dogs but they loves fruits and vegetables. So she may not like zucchini. Ofc your momma but I suggest try being a little more lenient with food. If my girls don't eat then they don't get snacks til the next meal. Unless they are sick then I understand not wanting to eat. The candles trick will probably make her laugh and be silly but in my experience its easier to rien in laughter then screaming bloody murder. You can also model breathing when you start getting upset. My 4 y/o will sometimes realize it's time to back off a bit if she sees me breath through and hold myself back.

That’s true. She has been a picky eater her whole life and she’s gotten better. I was just getting mad because she acts like she can do whatever she wants if she throws a tantrum or acts up long enough and I was over it. I’ve definitely modeled the breathing. We have a calmness book for her age that we can read and show her different ways kids can help themselves to calm down (it’s at her level) and I’ve tried to help her do other techniques I know but when she’s too far gone and starting to spiral those won’t work so the candles might do the trick.

With food I 100% understand that. I fr get so mad when I made dinner and she snubs her nose at it before even trying it. I will make foods that ik the girls tolerate. So shrimp is an absolute no go for them like won't even touch it. My youngest throws it on the floor so shrimp stays off the menue which is fine cuz I'm not the biggest fan anyways. But I will make other foods and say "you gotta eat this much" and you can get 10 min of play before bed and if she still refuses to eat I tell her that's all she is getting before bed and that she will have to wait til breakfast to eat again. Or whatever meal she is wanting to skip. You can try decreasing snacks during the day. That did help us. I let the girls have one snack between breakfast and lunch (9am-12pm) and 2 snacks (12pm-7/8 pm) but I keep them light

You can also look into the emotions book. I'll take a picture of it in the morning. It can help her identify what emotions she feels. I use real life situations like "this is sad, sad is what you feel when daddy giga (grandma) can't play with you right now" and after each tanrum I go explain why I got upset, ex: "I'm sorry mommy yelled at you, mom was having a big emotion and let it take control. I got mad because I asked you to clean up and you didn't, mommy did. And it's not mommies job to clean your toys. Why did you get upset?" Luckily my daughter is really good at explaining her emotions and why she got upset and we can normally find some decent common ground for later. Like her toys were too much so now I give her small piles to work on at a time to help her. We do yell at eachother... a lot... like a lot a lot. But I do always try and make it up by talking through everything with her so we can understand eachother. It's a sloooow process but might help if you aren't already doing it