Help from partner during the night

My partner doesn’t help in a night because frankly I just find it easier to do myself; however he does walk the dog and do dinner most nights (most…). The division of labour is a constant conversation otherwise it does tend to swing towards being my responsibility without me really realising.

My partner didn’t help at night but I EBF so he couldn’t really do much. He would take baby in the morning or early evening for a few hours for me to catch up on sleep, cook dinner and wash up though x

This is crazy and pretty discusting behaviour, but you also shouldn't put up with this. You need to have a proper conversation with him. My partner works 6am-3pm 5 days a week, and he's not like this at all, so no, not all men are like this, but women need to stop putting up with this crap!!

My partner didnt do night feeds for a long time as he worked and i was off but now hes started every second saturday. Also the saturday i do the night feed, he lets me lie in and will take LO downstairs. Unfortunetly i think it is mostly how me are however, he could be doing more to help you i would defo say so if it was me id call him out. I say to my partner that if hes gonna play the xbox, his time is at night when LO is in bed and not during the day as hes there to help me since i have him all week mostly myself! Let me know how you get on xx

Def call him out on it! My partner works full time and so do I but he comes straight home every day and spends all his time in the garage smoking and drawing. I finally had to shut that down and he comes in and helps out now. He saves his breaks until after the baby is sleep. Some Men you have to be super direct with they are not as intuitive as women 🤷🏾‍♀️ Believe me don’t wait until you are losing your shit , let it out and speak up ASAP. Be understanding and try to create a routine and agreement with him. Try not to attack or if he is anything like my man he will shut down lol

I’d be furious if my partner was doing this. My partner works 8-4 5 days a week, he gets home and goes for a run, then cooks tea. One of us puts the eldest to bed whilst the other has the baby. We’ve never ever slept in separate beds. When the babies were waking up for night feeds he would go and make the bottle and I would then feed her. My eldest sometimes wakes in the night and he takes her back to bed until she falls asleep whilst I sleep with the baby. Twice a week he cooks, and does bedtime with both whilst I go play netball! It’s almost like we’ve come to accept that men just aren’t as involved but NOT all men are like this!!

Such a bad idea we have that dads just go to work and that’s their contribution… what actually changes for dads if they just have the same routine as pre baby?! My partner could be more productive at times but as a whole will always have the baby if I need sleep, this was an issue with our first baby though and I stood my ground when I was pregnant this time, told him if he didn’t want to look after the baby and be a father then I would be better off without him. Why are we acting like a job is an excuse? Everyone has jobs and it’s only when men become parents that suddenly having a job is the hardest thing ever. Before we had children my partner with exactly the same job would go to the gym, stay up till 1/2am watching telly, go on nights out etc and had all this energy so I won’t accept he’s “too tired from work” as an excuse!!

When baby was newborn he didn’t help because she was EBF and wouldn’t drink from a bottle. But he would take the baby in the morning so I could sleep in abit. Men needing telling what to do as they are generally clueless. Your partners hours aren’t that bad so he could definitely help out before and/or after work . He should definitely be walking the dog and doing the household things. He sounds lazy to me x

My second is an awful sleeper and my husband has helped in the night the whole time. We take turns at the weekend getting up with the kids. My husband will do the nursery pickups on set days so that I can gym after work. We take one each at bedtime and alternate which one we do, but the first person downstairs starts dinner (most of the time that’s him 😁). My husband learnt very early on that being a parent is a shared responsibility. He’s also had them on his own a lot, so understands how exhausting it is looking after them in the day and not much else can get done. Your partner needs to step up!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Have you had a frank conversation about it with him? My partner works 430pm-3am 4 days per week and he still splits all household chores and baby care with me.

Ok so i did all the nights once Husband went back to work as he was out the house 6am-6pm in construction, so i made sure he got sleep. (But we shared the night load during his Paternity leave) We kept baby with us downstairs until bedtime around 11pm (husband did last feed around 9/10pm) BUT every evening and weekends he is on dad and home duty doing more than his fair share. He gave me a lie in on Saturdays and I gave him one on Sundays (or if particularly rough week he gave me both days). He would cook and clean and care for baby and toddler the same as me when around. The only time he would pick up a game is once kids are in bed and everything is done. Your BOY needs to grow up and take responsibility for his family! I will just add i had to have C sections with my babies and for those rough first few days, he did all the night feeds and changes to save me struggling out of bed and let me rest. Thats how it should be.

My partner did his fair share of nights. We would take it turns, for example: i would do the first feed of the night, he would do the next, i would then do the next one. We had a whiteboard in my son’s room and we would write what time he had a bottle and if he had a nappy change, so whoever woke in the morning with baby, we would know what’s what without needing to wake the other. He would lay in one day and i’d lay in the next day. Communication is so so important, if you’re not happy then chat with your partner. He’s not doing his fair share at all. My partner works Monday-Friday 08:00-16:00 (Worked from home, one day in the office).

My partner works full time Monday - Friday 7-5, I’m on maternity leave still but since day one he comes home from work and takes over straight away, either helps with baby or makes dinner for us. We are a team and while one is putting baby to bed, the other is washing bottles / filling formula pots up ready for the following day etc. When our little one would wake frequently through the night we would take turns so we would each get a chunk of uninterrupted sleep and that seemed to work well with us. You need to have a conversation with him about how it’s making you feel. Being a parent is hard, and your partner should be taking some of that stress off you when he can. Teamwork, compromise and good communication is the way forward.

He’s a parent too! You need to speak to him and let him know how much you’re doing in terms of caring for your LO all day and night plus everything else on top of that you’re not his mum! You need support and to work as a team during this time ❤️ My partner has never really done night feeds unless he’s on annual leave as he’s up really early to commute to work but when our daughter was still feeding every few hours he would give her a bottle before going to work and settle her again so I got a few hours uninterrupted before starting our day. He would always do dinner when he was home and let me get a shower etc in the newborn days. How our daughter is almost 1 so night feeds are out the equation but she’s still not the best sleeper! I’m back at work so everything during the night is split 50/50 and on weekends we take turns getting an extra half hour while the other gets up with our daughter

Take an hour to yourself a few nights a week when he’s home from work after HE has sorted dinner! Have a bath, go a walk, read whatever you need to have some relaxation and reset. You need rest to be the best mum you can x

In the week my husband will put are two kids to bed to give me a test but I cook dinner and bath them before he’s home but he will put them into bed and read them a story. Then if they wake up in the night I sort it in the week as he has to be up for work but at weekends he will get up with them in the night if needed. We work together as a team there both our children not just mine you should defiantly speak to your partner about needing some help raising your baby xx

Mine was EBF so there wasn’t much he could do over night but he did sleep in the room and a few nights when I could resettle her he got up to try it sometimes did the nappy change when I asked. He was in the room so I could easily ask for help - he sleeps quite heavily though so generally didn’t wake unless I asked. The main thing he did was take her from about 9pm until midnight/1am (whenever she started crying for next feed) so I could get a few hours sleep. (On weekends I would get the sleep in if I needed it and he would get up with the baby. He also did all housework and cooking. I did need to ask him/tell him what to do to help though, it took ages for him to accept weekend lie-ins were over. If bottle fed he would have done more, and your partner should definitely be doing more on weekends!

My partner works varying hours, but usually 7 am-5 pm, 5 days a week (sometimes he has longer days). Im w baby all day and do the overnight every night because I wake up much easier and don't mind it. But what I do ask fairly often is that he do the last bottle or two before bed (approx 6pm & approx 9pm) and to put her to sleep. He doesn't mind, but I do feel bad when he does it bc he doesn't get as much time to wind down from work, which can be very tiring or stressful for him. But he reassures me he doesn't mind at all every time I ask. His xbox time def has been cut into, but I'm pretty sure I feel worse about it for him than he does right now lol.

This ⬇️ https://www.instagram.com/reel/DCZ2aGjNdV6/?igsh=MWFlczRoN2lhaHNqZA==

My partner took paternity and helped me as much as he could and when he returned to work, I use to take over as normal with night shifts and morning shifts as he would leave work at 5am and return back 5pm so I understood he had a long day at work. However, on weekends he would always take over. After work he would come home and take the baby and look after her whilst I make dinner and clean the house and get his lunch ready for work and get some rest at least and he will put her to bed so I believe it still works two ways. He may be working man but he needs to start putting in effort after work at least. There should be some mutal agreement why can’t he go on his XBOX when baby is sleeping and that can be his time to chill. Helping out is fair else you will be sleep deprived and your mental health comes first. I hope if you guys talk it out he will realise that you need help and he can help you in the right way x

Me and my husband have always done shifts, where I get to sleep from like 8:30-2am and he sleeps from 2-6:30 am. The four hours of uninterrupted sleep is so helpful. I breastfed and pumped too, but he has pumped milk to give bottles for his shift. We both work and have the same schedule now, but we did these shifts during maternity leave also while I was off.

My partner helped when he was home on baby bonding for 1 month after we brought her home. Now, he works to provide for us and so I can stay at home. I’m primarily responsible for the baby at night. After he gets home he does help me if I ask or if he sees I need a break. She is very clingy to me, but I can get some time. I take care of the house chores and he pitches in where he can on the weekends. This works for us and I was resentful at the beginning since I was more sleep deprived, but now the baby has a schedule and that helps me out a lot. Please speak up and have him help out as the baby is also his and you need help and time for yourself too.

As an example of my night last night. Husband fed baby at 10pm, put baby down to sleep, baby woke at 2.30, husband got up and fed baby again and put him back to sleep. Then my husband was up 5.30am at the alarm, to walk our dog for an hour before heading into work for 7.30 until 5pm. When he gets home, he straight away takes the baby from me. Because he wants to. Because the baby is his child, because he loves him, and knows that he had 9 months to get his head round the fact that a baby wakes up every couple of hours for months, regardless of if he works full time. Your partner sounds extremely unsupportive and sounds like you’re pretty much already doing everything without him. Even sleeping in separate bedrooms. Would it be any different if he wasn’t there at all? Put yourself and baby first, let him have his uninterrupted 8 hours sleep and weekend Xbox. It’d be a straight up Cya later from me 👋

My partner didn't help much with ours. He does the night feeds when he isn't working which took a lot of going back and forth. With our second I was doing absolutely everything with both kids, I was basically a single parent. I had enough and told him he needs to sort his shit out now or I'm kicking him out, I already have 2 children I don't need a third. He did sort his shit out. So definitely call him out, it isn't on and if he cares he'll sort himself out and help. He helped make the baby, he should help look after the baby. This is also the perfect bonding time for baby too

My husband didn’t do night feeds as he was up really early for work but he did use to do the 6pm-11pm “shift” so I got a solid 4 hours and then I would do the rest of the night. Weekends he use to get up with our daughter too so I could lie in. He should be doing more

I ebf but my partner will happily do nappies/burping/settling if I ever ask him to, I tend to only ask him to settle her around 5am maybe 2 times a week but he has never complained when it’s been more even though he works full time- on weekends he gets up with our toddler so I can chill for a bit and feed in peace. Your partner sounds incredibly unsupportive and it’s bothering you so definitely call him out!

@Melissa thank you - he doesn’t have a long commute either and his work isn’t particularly hard, and he’s getting two breaks there a day too.

He tried to stay up a couple of times whilst on paternity, but would end up waking me up within a couple of hours as he couldn’t cope with LO crying. I’m worried about what happens when I go back to work, as I run my own business and typically work 6 days a week and around 10-12 hours per day. LO is quite a hard baby and up every hour or so through the night, and needs constant comforting during the day so there isn’t time for anything. Most days I can’t shower or even brush my teeth because he’s inconsolable, it’s really hard. I just about manage to do small food shops, walking there and back with the pram calms him down enough for me to spend 15-20 mins shopping, but I normally try and do this plus washing and cleaning the house when my mum comes over twice a week to hold LO and help out. When I tried to talk to my partner about this before he said that my family should be supporting me more, and if we lived closer to his family we would have help all the time

Have you tried using bouncing chairs rocking chairs or play mats for baby my daughter was very clingy as a baby but soon felt comfort with her rocking chair so I could get a few bits done without having her glued to me. I think maybe allowing baby to self sooth a bit might help you also so your not constantly glued to baby xx

I do all the nights in the week as my partner works always have. But he helps out in the night if the kids are having a bad night if he can. And weekends we take turns on who does the night and who get a lie in. If we are both off work then we’ll share out the responsibility. I do 12 hours at the weekend sometimes and he takes over does the nights and gets up with them x

Our baby is 11 months old and my partner does alternate nights. If he didn't I would literally not survive the sleep deprivation. She doesn't wake up every night now, but still fairly often.

I EBF so my husband doesn’t wake up during the night (he only did for a couple of weeks after my emergency c section as I couldn’t pick up baby on my own). But he does help with baby when he’s available after work and with cooking. It definitely shouldn’t be all on you. I would be infuriated if he would spend time on games rather than helping me or spending time with his son. Definitely talk to him. Does he know you’re struggling? Because I did need to have a conversation with my husband on how to help as he isn’t good at taking initiative on his own

My fiance works 5am-7pm full time plus Saturdays!!!! And he still is going to help with our baby………. Your man sounds disengaged and overwhelmed. Have a heart to heart. This is his life now!!!!!!

@Melissa fully agree, Melissa! My husband and split the nights he does bedtime- 12/1ish I do whenever he’s done until morning. If baby has a hard night for one of us the next day that person will get a little more sleep. He also takes over when he gets home because that’s HIS son, too. My boy isn’t as into that lately as he wants mama more but if he wants me then my husband will finish whatever I was working on- dishes, dinner, clean up.

So my partner doesn’t help at night because I’m exclusively breastfeeding and typically she’ll go right back to sleep after a change and feed but he will rock her to sleep if she’s struggling to go down, he takes the toddler if she wakes up (which is rare) but he will also take the toddler outside so I can nap/sleep in and he tries to take the baby too so I can shower/rest/mow whatever. It’s just harder because she won’t take a pacifier and is hooked on the boob a lot

I chose to exclusively breastfeed and because he works 12 hr shifts 5 days a week I won’t let him help me during the span of the week that he works. All I asked in return is we get to go out and do stuff while he’s off on the weekends to keep my head from exploding, or occasionally buy dinner during the week as a change to me cooking. In the morning after I feed and change her after he comes home he’ll stay up for 2hrs to let me do my thing and then I take over and let him sleep and finish what needs to be done that I can go back and forth on finishing if she’s being needy

I BF for the first few weeks so I would do all the night feeds, but he would help during the day, watch her while I slept, do house work etc. when we went onto formula I would do most of the night mon-fri but he would do the first night feed, and then the weekend he would help with the feeds as well we would take it in turns. This was when he went back to work as well. He's just as responsible for your baby as you are

So my partner uses his paternity to do night shift for those two weeks he’s off so I can properly recover & get full sleep to catch up from pregnancy & labour (obvs this only really works if you bottle feed which is what I’ve done with both my previous children & what I’ll do with my third). We then take it in shifts at night when he goes back to work where he’ll do night feed like 2 nights then I do it 2 nights etc depending on how heavy his schedule is but we will always have at least two nights a week each where we get full sleep. He also atm takes our 2.5 year old down in the morning for breakfast while our 11 month old naps with me so I sleep in most mornings & he plans on doing the same when baby is born depending on what our kids need. Atm though he’s off work completely & has been almost my entire pregnancy due to my health problems so it’s a lot easier for us to share the load & we’re in a very privileged position