Toddler mums - do the recommended, “healthy” ways to diffuse a tantrum just not work for your LO? 🫠

Yep, sometimes naming the feelings just gets my daughter more worked up. At those times I just say “I hear you, we’ll talk about it when you’re feeling calmer”, and gently rub her back and take slow deep breaths - this seems to help her regulate. Then when she’s calm I describe everything that happened, name the feelings I think she was having, and ask her if I got that right, and did I miss anything out. Quite often she’ll need to talk through what happened repeatedly over the day, I’m not sure whether that’s common for all kids (mine is waiting to be assessed for autism/adhd) but the talking it over definitely helps her a lot. Also talking about what we could do differently the next time, so that she can cope better with her big feelings! It’s hard work, but so worth it 😅

I think some kids need some space to just let their feelings out before you start naming them. My daughter usually wants to be cuddled/held and she will calm down, other times she likes to go and find her own space and will come back when she’s calmed down a bit. I find this account quite helpful for dealing with big feelings. https://www.instagram.com/p/DIIJXyUgL6Q/?igsh=MTZnM2hybjMyNDZqNA==

Yeh telling my daughter how she is feeling just makes it worse. I tend to just leave her (in the same room) let her know I'm here when she wants a cuddle or talk. She'll usually come up then hug and say "I'm sad or angry" and I ask why and explain that I'm not trying to make her sad or mad we just have something to do

I think naming the feelings is really important more so they learn what they are feeling, just naming it doesn’t regulate but I think acknowledging really shortens it! Holding a boundary is really important, do you give enough warning before you’re going to the store? 10 mins, 5 mins, concept of time is hard and it gives them time to be emotionally ready Xx

@Kimberley haha yes we do give 5-10 minute warnings, sometimes it works and sometimes he says “another 5 minutes” 😂🥴

"Healthy" ways doesn't mean there is no structure or discipline. Counting helps with my little one (not like ima count to three then beat you) but asking him to count with me helps calm his energy. "I'd love to play football with you but We're going to count to 10 together then I need you to get your shoes so we can go to the store first. If you can't get your shoes and get to the car, then Mommy is going to need to pick you up and do it for you". And you need to follow through. Don't forget football when you get back, don't throw a tantrum back, and pick them up if they can't get going on their own.

Sometimes nothing works and you just gotta wait it out. There have been many times with my older child where she didnt want me to do anything except stay near her and me talking or trying to help her made her more upset

I find just stating what triggered the tantrum helps. So saying "I turned off the TV, you wanted to watch another episode. We're all done for now" instead of "I know you're mad/upset/angry that I turned off the TV(...)". Naming their emotions doesn't always works because sometimes we're not correct in our assessment of which emotion their feeling. Additionally I know I don't like people telling me how I feel when I'm upset 😅 This doesn't stop their tantrums but it does help them feel seen. I usually also ask my kiddo if they want a hug or if they want space. Now they just tell me they want space and run to their room for 1 maybe 2 minutes tops and they come back out happy.

They aren’t necessarily supposed to work as you use them, a lot of these techniques are so your child eventually uses better coping mechanisms for being upset. Like now my sons 5 if he gets upset about being told no, he will straight away ask if we can think of a compromise. This is because I would always offer compromises when he was a tantrummy toddler. He would still be a normal toddler with big emotions but it means as he grew he learnt how to cope

Ahh 🙈 totally get you, it’s hard! X

Thank you all, really helpful insight xx