AITA

Spent over an hour on the phone to a friend who is separating from her live-in partner. He is shouting at her, but not physically violent. She though is still upset and scared, understandably. After an hour long call with me supporting her, she ended up sounding a bit better, and then said to me and that me and her are lucky compared to her other friend. Her other friend has two young kids and and has had her cancer come back. She is facing the prospect of death. I'm single, my mother is dead (when I was younger) and my baby died prematurely last year. I watched my baby die over nine days. When my baby died, my friend texted me, but never called, then when she was ready to speak, months afterwards, she made out like we'd both been too busy to call, like it's not basic etiquette to speak to a friend at a bereavement. Ignoring the fact that there was no need to make a comparison. Am I right in thinking it was an inappropriate, even weird, thing to say. Am I right in thinking irrespective of the terribly sad situation the other lady is in, my situation is bad enough for her not to make that comparison. Is she my friend if she can say that?

Show your support

Sounds to me like her just texting and not calling (as you hoped) was her respectfully giving you space during a really difficult time in your life. Which I'm really sorry to hear about by the way and hope its a little easier to get through each day now. And maybe you could talk to her about how in hindsight you hoped she would've called more as it would have been appreciated. Its hard to know how much support is too little or too much and she probably didnt want to be overbearing but be supportive enough for someone who hasn't experienced the same kind of loss or are not in the same situation as you are; so as much as the comparison may not have been the best thing to say, I think she is just trying to be as supportive as she can be.

Having felt both ways, I think some people need and feel mentally clouded for a while not getting back to anyone or wanting to because it’s going to talk about the elephant in the room. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, she has made an effort though maybe she doesn’t know how to navigate a friend with those feelings again I’m sorry and yeah no need for comparison as none of you are in the other shoes, I don’t think she meant in any way ‘you’re not that bad’ kind of thing

I am on your side on this one cause with that situation I would expect a reach out

It was unnecessary and inappropriate, yes.

@Ella Do you think it suggests I'm kind of disposable to her?

I think it was a thoughtless thing to say. I can understand her trying to look on the bright side (hey at least I'm not dying) but she probably wasn't even thinking about your traumatic experiences. She sounds self centred.

I wouldn’t keep this one in my friend list

People have different perspectives on what’s “worse.” That’s why playing the comparison game is so futile. I wouldn’t appreciate the thoughtless comparison and I might say as much but I don’t think she meant it badly nor do I think she was thinking clearly, having someone shout at you for hours on end doesn’t put you in a great headspace. My recommendation would be to give her a little grace and see if you can talk about it at another time.

What happened to you was horrible and I can’t imagine the pain you went through. However, when I was grieving the death of dad who a loved very dearly, I did not want to talk about it so probably I would have done what your friend did, text you and tell you I’m here for you but don’t call you. In my grief even talking to someone was painful or I just didn’t feel like talking. Now, the comparison is unnecessary, but a lot of people do it to feel better about their situation. Maybe for your friend think that dying and leaving your children behind is worse, but not for you.

A friend that reaches out when they need you because they’re going through a hard time BUT isn’t there when YOU go through the worst time of your life is not a true friend. Being too ‘busy’ to check in on you after losing a child is not a good enough reason! Hard times are when you can see who your true friends are. Sounds like someone you need to keep your distance from. If someone i called a ‘friend’ didnt check up on me and only texted me i would be pissedddd

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌