Sexless Marriage: Madonna-Whore Complex

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Statistically speaking without clear and open communication open marriages fail due to the lack of boundaries. Use this as an opportunity to resale each other. Remind him that he has not always thought of you this way. Go on dates and sedate each-other and meet the people you are now.

I was in a relationship like that. (I don’t know if he has the same thing) I couldn’t handle not to be desire by the man I was. Slowing, thinks start to falling apart. And my feelings start to change as well. I hope you figure it out the best solution for your family. ❤️❤️❤️

Does he have any type of religious upbringing? Is he willing to explore his mindset around sex and sexuality? Is this something he’d be willing to go to therapy about? There are a lot of options to unpack this in a lot of different ways if he is open to exploring things from a new perspective.

@Jess We agreed that him going to therapy is the next step for him. No religious upbringing but definitely he is a man with strong morals. He struggles to fuck because fucking feels morally wrong to him. He feels like he’s taking advantage of a woman. He can only get off to rough sex, but he would never ask me to have rough sex because I’m the mother of his children and again, the virtuous woman that he cherishes. It’s very complex.

@Karolina Did you find someone who makes you feel desired? And if so, does he have other things to offer that make you feel like you are getting “the whole package” so to speak, or do you feel like you traded a “good man” for sex? Thanks for being so open!

@Hannah The issue is, he never sexually desired me. He’s always viewed me in a wifey/nurturing/motherly way. Our sex life was always been very lacking but I was too busy making/raising children to care. Now that I’ve had my two babies, I’m seeing more clearly the issues in our relationship in the sex department.

Interesting he sees you too “pure” to have sex with you, but is okay with other people/partners for you. 🤔I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, definitely sounds complex.

@Katie yes exactly, which, I don’t even know if I could do that. Would you opt for divorce or just get your needs met by someone else?

Has he had religious trauma in his upbringing? He doesn't desire sex with any woman? Or just you becuase you're special and pure? I think marriage counseling or personal counseling for him to get over whatever is making him feel this way. I'm sorry but no woman would want to be in a sexless marriage. That isn't fair. I totally understand what you mean when you say you want to be desired and we all deserve that

So the rough sex thing makes me think, does he really have intense fantasies and rough things hes just too afraid to tell you? I personally would be fine accommodating most intense things and perhaps it could be a fun exploration for you two for him to show you what he likes.

I guess that all depends on how everything else in the relationship is . Don’t throw away 7 years if you’ve had an honest conversation about having sex with other people if he can handle that emotionally . I just don’t want him to turn around and call you a whore or dirty because of it later

Does he have any p()rn addictions? To me that just seems like a copout cause he getting it somewhere else. Personal or digital.

@Kel my thoughts exactly :(

This is very hard and completely see why you’d be upset. I find it rather odd that he doesn’t want to have sex with you as it’s defiling you but is happy for someone else to do it? Has he explained where this ideology has come from?

Does he desire other women that he doesn’t deem pure then? Is this something he is interested in exploring ? Do you want to be with other men? I think it’s very complex and maybe would both regret not trying to make it work between the both of you

It does sound complex. Someone else mentioned p0rn as well which may be worth bringing up. If his first experiences with sexuality were with p0rn than that very well could have warped his mindset, views, and expectations of sex. If he’s open to therapy like you said, that is amazing and could REALLY help. Sounds like he’s repressing things a bit maybe and hopefully you two can explore that more together in a healthy way to find something that works for you both. Especially if he can see this from a different perspective.

Madonna- whore complex is very common! you def aren’t alone 💗… can you get him to a therapist with some psycho analytic background— he just needs to talk it through and be re- directed either in a session w you or as an individual( I’ve heard of this being resolved both ways. It’s an archetype — I haven’t been through it….( yet— having my first baby in a couple weeks but I’m somewhat prepared for it and have been advised on how to handle) but I know women who have gone through it success and it can definitely be resolved. But in the meantime, it doesn’t feel good( very frustrating). 🤍🤍🤍

@Megan oh absolutely, I’m down for rough sex. But he refuses to do that with me because he feels morally wrong for it. He’s very conflicted.

@Kel yes he does!

@Em He doesn’t have a strong desire to sleep with other women, no. From what I understand, he’s always had issues in the past. Either he couldn’t fuck women he deemed pure because he didn’t want to “tarnish” them, or he’d find a “whore” that he was sexually turned on by but then felt morally wrong having rough sex with her. Basically he hasn’t matured into a man yet. He still views sex as dirty and shameful I think is what it boils down to.

@Blakely this is so reassuring. Both him and I have our doubts about the therapy working but your post really gave me hope.

🤍👌🤍