Help to word a sensitive message please ?

Hey there, I just wanted to reach out and say I’m thinking of you. I know getting an autism diagnosis can feel really heavy. Just remember, you’re not alone in this. If you ever want to chat or need someone to lean on, I’m here for you.

Hello!!! My sister’s son was diagnosed with Autism and we have a fair few Autistics in the family. We don’t see it as a “I’m thinking of you” situation because it’s insulting to be frank. If the only reason you’re messaging is because of the diagnosis please don’t bother. If they’ve approached you and told you personally about their daughters diagnosis you could say something like “that’s actually really good news because now she can get the attention and support she needs - it’s also super rare to get a diagnosis in females so, this is good news. Especially with her being so young. I have no doubt she’ll now thrive because they know and can tailor her education to her needs.”

Please remember she will be grieving which might sound strange but true. We all dream of having a perfect child who will have a straight forward life. Asd can make life so much harder as a young person and also as a parent and caregiver.

I'd personally not say anything I don't think, especially if this isn't someone you have had alot of deep conversations with about it.

@Helen I think grieving is the wrong word. Her daughter is as she was always intended to be and there are so many brilliant Autistic people in this world. It might be an adjustment (depending on where she sits on the scale) but it’s not a loss. I think there needs to be better education around Autism.

No I don’t think it is the wrong word at all. To grieve is to feel sorrow. She may be the way she was intended to be but no parent pictures having a child with additional needs. And that takes adjustment and can cause grief

And I’m saying that as someone who is neurodivergent

@Helen we will have to agree to disagree - as a person who is also neurodivergent, I think the idea of a parent “grieving” their child because they are different is saddening. I thank goodness I was brought up in a very open minded family who have varying degrees of neurodivergence and therefore, had no expectations of me or any of my family members. This is exactly why people should tread carefully and not automatically go in with sympathy. It’s easy to offend. ☺️

Honestly I wouldn’t even say anything because it’s then seeming like her child is totally different, you wouldn’t say something if a child didn’t have autism. Don’t make it a big deal, include her and her child either way that’s all that is gonna matter

Ask her questions in a caring respectful way. You may assume she feels sad or low about it but she may also feel a weird sense of relief, that’s how one of my friends explained it when her son was diagnosed. It made a lot of sense to her and she had something to work with. So maybe something like this? ‘Wow that’s big news. How do you feel about it all? You guys are brilliant parents, so no matter how you feel, I know you’re going to continue to be amazing. We’re always here for you too if you need help/a listening ear.’

Honestly, I appreciate all of your messages. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD. I have it. His dad has it. It’s really heavy in my family and that for me it’s heartbreaking enough watching him struggle every day with anxiety and the difficulties he faces. So I kind of wanted to just reach out, as it’s familiar to me and my Boy? She sent me a message last and I never responded because I knew they were waiting for diagnoses. Now I feel rude :( ? we all agree, it’s not an ‘I’m thinking of you’ situation- It’s more ‘ this is raw right now, and frightening- we don’t know what to expect but I’m sorry it’s not the news you wanted, but I promise it all falls in to place ‘. Maybe I won’t say anything. I just feel like I need to message something back to her! I 100% think there’s a grieving process for a lot of people. God did I go in to deep depression when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I am still so embarrassed- and I am a MH social worker 🤣

The worst part is that his family are so close to any neuro diverse. They are a very conservative, and the poor woman was more worried about having to do tests to see if it’s genetic because she was so worried about everyone else in the family. I’ve never heard of such thing in my life when she should just be focusing on herself and her family. Maybe it’s just touched the nerve for me.

Evie , that is incredible

@Helen I think grieving is absolutely fine word to use Helen. it is a process and it’s a massive chain for something so unexpected it does take a lot of getting used to and adapting so I do think grieving is a fine word

I would just message her back asking to meet up just to see each other - I think it means more to do that then to say anything unless she asks you specifically on your thoughts. My boy got diagnosed with adhd and I’m waiting to find out for autism today but I wouldn’t want family or friends to say anything to make it seem like it’s a shame he has it , cus my god he’s a brilliant and funny little boy, it is what is is and we will find our way!!

Thank you! Always think it’s best to ask, then you can work out how to respond to them in their situation