Don't know how to move past this

Hi everyone, I'm in need of advice. I am struggling to move past how my mother in law treats me/ has treated me in the past and it is really affecting my husband and my marriage. He only really has seen it for his own eyes in the last 2-3 years and began sticking up for me more when I was pregnant. I stopped going round as much after having our little boy as they often do not respect our boundaries that we set and everytime after we would all visit together, myself and my hubby would spend the next few days having constant arguments. I made a deal with him that I would only go round for family birthdays or christmas as it is really starting to affect my mental health. We had to go round yesterday and more comments were made and she did stuff that we have previously told her not to. My husband seems to be blind to this when we are around and often says he either didn't hear it or didn't pick up on it. I either don't feel comfortable in addressing it infront of everyone as we have had a big bust up in the past where she stormed off like a little child and hid in her bedroom. She has also been physical towards me in the past e.g. pushing me out the way and hitting me over the head when drunk. I'm starting to think that I just can't be in my marriage anymore as I can't be around this toxic woman any longer. Thank you for reading if you got this far! Xxx

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What were the comments made?

Even if you forgive she has to change her attitude and it is possible she will not. My mother in law died a month ago without being able to change her attitude. As she died she told my husband she hopes that he divorces me just before she died and excluded me and the children from funeral service, burial and wake. She refuses to met our daughter at all and hadn’t seen our son in almost 2 years (also the last time she saw me as she said she never wanted to see me again in her life). I hated going to see my in-laws but when my husband asked me I would go to I went thinking well I am his wife and they are his family. I was told not to come and turned away at the door any time from February 2023 anyway. Every visit or phone call would cause a fight. I was always questioning what he was telling them for them to think these things. I didn’t feel he was supporting/defending me and eventually I said do you want me to leave you I think it would be easier for us both.

He obviously didn’t want that and I think it scared him so he defends me more and only goes to see them alone. He also sees them a lot less and would call maybe weekly. I would really recommend having a straight serious talk and tell him how you feel. See how he goes at supporting you more. Tell him you are not going to see her or let everything slide anymore. Don’t let her take control and ruin your marriage. Be very sure of what you want and need before you do anything drastic.

It's not really affecting my marriage, thank God...but I'm definitely struggling with getting back on good terms with my in-laws, too. There's just so much that has been said and not apologized for, and I know I'll never actually get a sincere apology, because they don't really know how to give sincere apologies. Their idea of an apology is, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't think I did anything wrong. Now, holidays and birthdays are coming up, so let's drop it so we can all be together for those." Yes, my MIL literally told me one time that I needed to get over something SIL did because it was almost the holiday season (and when a majority of the birthdays in the family are) and *MIL* wanted everyone to be together. Now, you see why I struggle. 🫠

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can definitely relate. It can feel lonely when it seems like your husband is not on your side or seeing what's going on. What has helped me is just leaning on my family and surrounding myself with people who don't trigger me and have my best interest at heart. I don't think it calls for removing yourself from your marriage, but I was in your shoes before and just really frustrated and hurt by my husband not sticking up for me. I just want to encourage you and remind you that you can remove yourself from uncomfortable situations, as in walk away from a conversation or step outside/ sit in the car for some space. Setting boundaries and consequences can help too. We've had to resort to having visits at our house instead of theirs because our house is our territory. I hope your situation gets better. Feel free to message me if you would like.

Don't let extended family come between your marriage and your family that you've built.

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