Aita?

So long story short my mil is a horrible toxic narcissist who is in love with my husband. She treated me like absolute shit, refused to respect my boundaries when it came to my child or myself and she destroyed my mental health while I was pregnant. I stopped speaking to her for a few months last year as I couldn’t handle it anymore and once I started speaking to her again I had to set boundaries again and told her and my husband that I will stop speaking to her again if she can’t respect me. One of the boundaries I set was how often we would go to see her, I said to my husband that we’d only go once a month to keep a distance so it won’t give her the chance to hurt me again or my child and if I ever saw a change in her then we would start seeing her more often. Obviously she hadn’t changed so we still go once a month but every single month my husband will say that he wants me and my daughter to go see her more often. This woman does not care about my LO and she’s made it clear, we have to go to her every month and she never bother to come down even when we tell her to, we let her know in advance what day we plan on visiting but she never takes time off of work a and we end up sitting in her house alone , she expects us to stay there until she finishes work which is at 8:30/9 and by then my Lo needs to be in bed , she will make comments about my daughters appearance even when I ask her not to, she makes super spicy food so my daughter can’t even eat when we go there, she ignores what I ask her not to do when it comes to my child and even encourages her bad behaviour. so why should I take time off my day to go to her house when she don’t even bother to make an effort with us?

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Your husband is the asshole! He should be supporting and protecting you and your child. This woman doesn't get to see you or your little one. Why do you have to go for the day, why can't you go just for dinner?

Yea, why even go visit if she is at work? She doesn't care to make edible food for her grandchild either that is crazy. Does she lie and say she is home or does your husband insist on sitting at her empty house?

No mama you aren't the asshole. She needs to make the effort, enjoy your baby and do what makes you and your little one comfortable 💕

I don't think you're an asshole, but I don't think you should be expecting her to book time off work to be able to see you, why not arrange it so it's for when you are all free

@Kath she works 7 days a week but takes time off whenever she has a party or goes out to eat with her friends etc. her type of work is the type where u take the time u want and if u dont wanna work that day then u can ask a college fo cover your hours which is why we tell her in advance so she can take some extra hrs off to spend with us.

@Aurélie the thing about my husband is that he is so used to the abuse from her that he’s normalised to it. Only once he got married to me and saw what my mum was like then he realised that the way she was treating them wasn’t normal but I feel like he sometimes forgets that it does really affect me and my child, he just doesn’t want a broken family but i do have to protect myself and my child.

@Gwen yeh lol he says we just do it to keep the peace, if we just sit at the house even if she’s not there then at least she can’t say that we don’t come but I just don’t like wasting my time like that.

Yea that is a waste of time to sit at her house while she is at work. It makes no sense if she isn't there. She needs to be home. Also, he needs to understand her absence won't create a broken family because the family is you, him, and your child. She is extended family and doesn't have to be involved if she acts the way she does.

Just don't go? What's wrong with your husband.

@Dionne yeah exactly, we went to hers yesterday and luckily I fed my daughter just before we went there because once again there was nothing suitable for her but the worst thing was that we have asked her 10 times now not to kiss my LO on the lips or next to the lips as it’s very unhygienic and just weird ( she also works around sick ppl and ppl who are in and out of the hospital and she also gets cold sores) but she kept on doing it yesterday and just giving me a side eye after doing it then done it when we was saying goodbye while I was holding her. I had my husband text her that same night to tell her to stop for the last time because last time we went she did it and we spoke to her but she clearly cannot respect our wishes.

@Dionne yeah , I’ve tried to explain it to her and even sent her videos of how dangerous kissing a baby with a cold sore can be but she literally just ignores me, if she cared about my daughter she’d do what’s best for her but she’s just selfish honestly

You're NTA. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The only way to deal with narcs from my experience is to go no contact, so you did the right thing before with no communication. You have to protect your own headspace and your child.

Stop going and stand your ground

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