Jealous of my sisters birth experience
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I would second what @Rhiannon said - I wouldn't rely on what your mum says about your sister. I had a bit of a similar experience where my sister had a perfect birth experience and seemingly just got on with things, whereas I ended up having emergency c section and infection and stayed in hospital for a week, struggled with serious PPA and ended up in therapy. It was hard for my partner to support me through that as well and it took us probably about 2-3 months before I would even have confidence enough to go out of the house on my own. I told my mum everything but my mum didn't really understand the trauma of my experience and my parents even accused my partner of not helping enough and being pretty sharp in the whole situation. But then speaking to my sister, she also had her challenges and some things her partner did/didn't do were similar to mine but my parents never saw that so they just assumed my partner was basically sh*t. So was hurtful for us both. Still haven't quite resolved it but hey...
My question is why does your mum think it's OK to dismiss your experiences and feelings like that? If you have a close relationship I recommend trying a sit down proper conversation about how hurtful that can be. You don't have to justify your feelings and experiences. She's lucky you trusted her to share that and I'm sorry you haven't been given the support you deserve. After years of TTC, I eventually got pregnant via IVF, then my sister got pregnant easily and had her baby exactly 9 months after mine! We had a 7 week NICU stay, baby had an operation. I couldn't help but compare, I was angry about what I missed not what she had. My sister and I got really close which we hadn't been before when I told her about my fertility struggles. And while from the outside it looked like she had the perfect birth, easy transition to motherhood etc, because we're close I know the struggles she had and continues to have. Maybe you and your sister can support each other in a way your mum seems to not be doing....
@Rachel I’ve done a lot of unpacking of why my mum acts the way she does. She had a very physically abusive childhood and even though she tried her best some of it rubbed off on us growing up. I believe she has a lot of guilt, so any time one of us is struggling with mental health she cant handle it. It isn’t an excuse but it’s likely why she kept denying that I was struggling. My mum is also very hard to speak to about things like this, she gets very defensive for the reason above, even though I tried I haven’t managed to get through to her. I also think I project unfair blame on my mum because she doesn’t behave how I want her to. I managed to get some therapy for a while to work on things but I think I still feel a lot of shame, which resurfaced when my sister had her baby. I’m sorry to hear about your experience, sounds like you’ve had a really tough time too 💕 life likes to through a load of crap at us all at once sometimes.
@Rachel and I think you’re right. I’m sure she will face her own challenges, I need to try and not compare our circumstances, it isn’t fair, as being a mum is really tough on all of us at times.
@Rhiannon Thanks for your reply. I think you’re right, it’s easy to see someone else’s situation and think it is all going smoothly. I don’t really want her to be having a hard time, it’s just highlighted my own experience and made me feel bitter about it. I had some therapy to deal with the PPA which thankfully has worked wonders. I’m likely in the latter stages now and probably have more to unpack than I realised.
@Nina you’re right I don’t think she has had it easy and my mum is also not the best place to get information from. I am really surprised how its made me feel, it’s bought a lot of feeling to the surface I thought I had resolved. Like you I had therapy for PPA which really helped but I think I probably have a bit more to unpack. It sounds like you had a really tough time too 💕 I hope you’re doing better, I really wish there were better spaces for mums to talk about their experiences as PPA is probably more common than I realised.
I'm sure if you spoke to her, she'd tell you about the times that were not easy. She might just be someone who loves to put on a brave face though they are dying inside
I haven't experienced this particular scenario but just wanted to say that it's understandable that you feel angry. You've been handed a shitty deal and it's okay to feel pissed off. Seeing her experience has probably given you pause to properly look back and reflect on your own experience now you are 'out of the woods' a bit. And it's likely that you are angry at the unfairness of the situation you were dealt, understably, rather than at her as a person. I completely get feeling envious of others experiences too and I'm sorry you had such a hard time that others kept downplaying - PPA is no joke. It feels so isolating when people just don't seem to listen. The only thing I would say is just because someone says they are great and doing fine doesn't mean that they aren't struggling too, newborn stage is rough for everyone, even if it's only the sleep deprivation they've been dealt, and we are all a bit guilty of putting on a front at times. So perhaps she isn't doing quite as 'okay' as your mum says....