Returning to work after maternity leave and leaving the baby.

I am returning to work in about a month after 12 months off on maternity leave. I have never left my baby for more than an hour and that was only with my partner. When I return to work my mum will be having my baby 2 days a week. I always thought I’d be absolutely fine leaving my baby with my mum but I actually I feel the complete opposite. She is very much “ I used to do this, you should do that” and doesn’t accept the fact things have changed from when she had me 30 odd years ago. I appreciate the fact she will look after her for me but she doesn’t accept my way of doing things and thinks she knows best. I never thought I’d be worried about leaving my baby with my own mum but I really am worried. She also has no patience and if my baby cries she just tells her to shut up and stop moaning. (My baby barely ever cries aswell). There’s no one else to look after her, nursery or a childminder isn’t an option and me not returning to work isn’t an option. I don’t even know why I writing this but I just feel absolutely shit about the situation as I literally have no choice but to leave her with my mum. I’ve tired to talk to her and she just gets so defensive and says I’m being over sensitive when for once I’m actually not. I just want her to follow my routines/ way of doing things that work very well for my family that we have worked very hard to get them to work aswell as they do. I’m not even asking for much I just want her to put her down to nap the way I do which takes 5 minutes max. Anyone been in a similar situation?

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Could I ask why nursery or a childminder isn’t an option?

@Chani not getting into that. It simply isn’t an option.

Okie dokie, good luck I guess the options are like it or lump it. If you want mum to look after her twice a week every week for free and there’s zero other options then you’re going to have to just accept it. Not saying she’s right but that’s the truth of it.

@Chani thanks so much for your support! 👍🏻

The post isn’t really something anyone can support other than saying “poor you” you’ve clearly said there’s absolutely no other option other than the regular free labour your mum has offered which itself isn’t good enough. So the only options are like it or lump it. I’m not really sure what else there is? Is she doing things that are abusive or detrimental to your child’s health or is she just not doing things how you do? I know parents are overly precious about their kids but it’s about looking at the bigger picture sometimes. Trying to force everyone into your box is only going to bring you stress and sadness like you’re expressing in this post. Give mum a chance and try to lighten up (unless she is doing something actually abusive or detrimental). Tough love is still love. I get that it’s stressful but it gets easier, don’t let control freak tendencies allow you to alienate a well meaning mum/nan. I’m a bit of a control freak so I get it, once I chilled out a bit things got easier.

I know you said nursery isn't an option, what about childminder?

When I returned from maternity I shared the routine etc with my mum but quickly learnt that I had to allow them to fall into their own routine. I was the same as you - had only left my baby for an hour with my mum before returning to work and I was anxious. However it was fine. I struggled but baby settled into her new routine well. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes things do still bother me a little bit 2 years later but I’ve learnt to only say something if I think it really matters as I’m just grateful for the support and their relationship is lovely. My mum is patient with my kids though so I’m not sure how I would deal with that part of your dilemma.

Did this the first time with my eldest and it was a nightmare with my mom, as she wouldn’t stick to routine and always wanted to spoil my son but at the end of the day it’s free childcare. We’re only using nursery this time round and life is so much more harmonious! If nursery isn’t an option then I think you just have to take your moms help for what it is x

@Chani Please keep your advise to yourself. Telling me to lighten up. Really? Read the other replies on this post, there’s a way of saying things and you clearly have no compassion and seem to be getting way to wrapped up in this post and going on about a load of stuff that isn’t even happening. I wasn’t asking people to say “poor me” atall. Clearly looking to see if anyone has been in a similar situation! Please don’t comment again!

Sorry that you've had some unhelpful comments... maybe you could try talking to your mom quite frankly and tell her that you're worried about going back to work, ask her to put herself in your shoes and how she would feel if someone wasn't following her wishes when looking after you. Let her know you really appreciate the help but when she is unwilling to follow your routines it makes you feel like you are loosing control over raising your own baby and you should be able to make the decisions for your own child as she (presumably) did for you. I have my fingers crossed for you, it's a difficult conversation to have 🩷

@Gemma thank you xx

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