Am I being unreasonable? Advice on what to do please

Can I ask for examples for how she slides in the weekly visit as opposed to the fortnightly visit?

@Josie let’s say another one of her family members is coming over. I.e my husbands grandad for eg a wee- she asks to come over with them. She also texts me saying she has plans with X&Y and she’s in the area and would love to pop over(I’m stupid for saying yes, I won’t do it again it’s just one way she’s done it where I feel trapped into agreeing) other ways is she says she’s made some compote/ pureee and it will go off so she needs to pop it over x

I guess it’s just getting used to saying no I’m in the area (sorry my house isn’t in a state for visitors, or I’m about to go food shopping/chore/child is overtired) I’ve no milk in to offer you a drink etc etc I think you need to get your partner on the same page to

@Josie totally agree! I do need to start saying no to her more so she doesn’t keep overstepping x thanks

One thing you could do if she invites herself with another family member is say, "well that works out cos a friend wanted to meet on the day we had scheduled so you can do your visit then and I'll go to this other thing in our original scheduled day"

If she knows visitors are over "No sorry, we are focusing on our time with ____" and if she has something cooked she wants to give you "I'd suggest you put it in the freezer until your next visit then"

@D id love to do that but these visitors are coming to meet my daughter for the first time, so I have to be there because she’s exclusively BF at the moment x it’s so frustrating because she also gets her extended family members to ask to come over on certain dates and then she says to my husband “I’ll come over with X when they visit” and those dates are always right after or before she’s had alone time with her granddaughter anyway. I just feel like she can’t get enough of being so involved 😂

@Elissa I need to be more assertive! Thanks for this advice it’s helpful as I’ve just been thinking about her feelings and wishes over my own for too long now! I’ve been so so accommodating and it’s just really hard to continue like this. She just needs to stick to the boundary that I feel is the perfect middle ground. When she did stick to the boundary our relationship was great and I felt positive towards her but that literally only lasted two weeks 😂😂😩

I just ignore the messages off my mil it annoys me they want to come over every bloody week so one week I will say yes and following week I just ignore, you would think they would get the hint but they don’t x

Being assertive is extremely difficult especially if the potential result will be conflict but it is very empowering too! Once you stand your ground once it will get easier. Most of the time with in-laws I suggest boundary setting and consequences comes from their child so I'd be getting husband to tell her that if she can't stick to the two week rule then she will not be able to visit anymore.

I would love two weekly visits like this instead of every week with my MIL but never mind her my husband wants her to come weekly 😭 it really can take over my whole weekend I feel like we have to factor it in and it’s the first thing to go in the schedule every weekend everything works around it, so hard mentally. I do ignore messages in between though- so unnneccesary. Another thing she does is fake “helpful” like “I’ll walk the dog” and then arrive over and expect to come in and see my toddler. No advice here but I FEEL YOUR PAIN

Ooooo. Practicing saying no is so hard! For food related ones you can try: - can you drop it off after bedtime? - can you freeze it until I see you next time? - thank you, I’ll have your son pick it up on his way home. You already made it so saving you the drive is the least we can do. Also how is your husband with his mom? Is he aware that his aunt and dad are in therapy from her?

@Hayley it’s so overwhelming! It’s funny because before I had a baby I’d see her maybe once or twice a month and it was greaattttttt

Keep the persistence

@Aoife my husband is slowly coming to terms with the two weekly visits instead of weekly. Because everytime she crosses a boundary it’s my husband and I that end up arguing because he just sees her as “lonely” and has a soft spot for her which is fair but it’s mentally sooo taxing as you say. I just feel controlled if that makes sense. I feel like my weeks revolve around these visits too and the fake helpful stuff is soooo real 😂😂😂 it’s funny because prior to my daughter she gave us the space we needed. Now she has someone she loves involved it’s like she’s obsessed

@Megan he is an only child and is the main thing his mum controls. I’ll def try your boundary messages for food related ones thank you x His sister and dad have even fallen out with my husband because he’s not willing to hear their perspectives and he just wants to protect his mother and thinks they are both bad people after listening to his mum. His mum won’t outwardly say to him that she hates her sister and her dad but all her sly fake comments and actions show otherwise. When his dad came to visit from Spain with his new wife for a weekend with us, she even hijacked that weekend by saying she wants to take his wife me and my mum out to an art craft fair that weekend. It was special time for my husband his dad and step mum and me. I don’t know why she invited my mum also. Then she said she wanted to be “inclusive” but bitched to me about how the new wife didn’t know what she did for work. Her actions are all about “control” she comes across like she’s doing the “right thing”

@Elissa I actually had a full blown boundary conversation with her two months ago where I outlined to her everything. It took so much guys, I told her I was anxious I felt that she was controlling and that I don’t want conflict but it’s just the way I feel and I asked her on the call to please respect going forward two weekly visits. She agreed on the call and we went on to having a good relationship because she went on holiday and so did we, we had space and when we saw each other again we stuck to the plan but that only lasted two weeks and she’s back to her old ways. Which makes me even more confused because if I’ve already said to her what will and won’t work for me, why does she continue to cross that line? It makes me feel like I’m going mad 😂😂

I totally get it, takes up far too much of my energy x

Don’t open the door and stop answering her calls

@Sigi she makes all these plans via my husband for the weekends and my husband guilts me into them. Oh and she’s just called my husband now at 20:00pm for a nice long chat 😂😂 prime time right. I may be taking everything personally and looking into things so much but something just isn’t adding up with her, all of her tactics just drive me up the wall