TOXIC!!

So.. my partner has never really had the best relationship with his mother and didn’t see her very often before we met or after we started dating. We have a 5 month old baby now. She was the first to meet our little girl (the morning after I gave birth) and was over pretty much every day for the first 6 weeks. We started to inform her that was too much and put boundaries in place to which she totally disrespected. Our little girl was quite poorly round about 6 weeks just before her immunisations so we had no visitors at all for around 2.5 weeks. This set my MIL off on one. Thinking we were leaving her out but letting others visit. Anyway fast forward a few weeks, we all agreed she could visit every Wednesday to spend time with us and her granddaughter. This seems to have been working but to be honest the visits are extremely uncomfortable for me (she’s said a lot of stuff about me that is nasty and totally unacceptable including speaking ill of my dead mother whom she never met or knows anything about) but I just smile and nod and get on with the visit as it’s only a few hours a week right? Fast forward to this week. She specifically requests to see her son and our LG without Me at her own house. (EBF baby so not really possible as she feels on demand and usually every hour during the day). My partner went to see her alone and had a chat about how he feels with her disrespecting the boundaries and she claimed and threatened that she could take it to court to get rights over our child. All because she wants to visit every day and not just once a week as she’s “missing out on all the important milestones” (not sure how that works if you see her every week but hey ho) she then went on to claim he’s changed and is so selfish and it’s been ever since he started dating me 8 years ago. I have always been so nice & caring towards his mother and helped her out a lot with stuff so I’m a bit hurt to hear this alongside her threatening to go to court to visit more frequently. Does anyone know where we stand on this? I of course would prefer to cut her off completely but need to be mindful it’s still my partners mum and I think part of him doesn’t want to exclude her totally even after everything she’s done but he also does not want to increase her visits. So to me there’s never going to be a resolution as we all want different things. She has a bad mental health background and history doing drugs and partying and lost custody to her younger son due to this (my partner was old enough to not be included). I assume on these grounds the courts would not even entertain her requests when we have such a solid home situation for our daughter and have never stopped anyone from seeing our daughter? I’m in the UK. Such a messed up situation and it’s totally ruining my life & experience being a first time mum X

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Hi, I have no real advice around courts as I’m not to sure but she has no rights over your daughter, fair enough if you were partying/doing drugs/drinking but you’re not. It seems you’re a responsible parent I don’t think she has a leg to stand on specially as she did all that stuff in the past and she has the past of it. I honestly wouldn’t worry about that part. These mil are feral after we have kids, I cut my mil off for the past year as I can’t deal with her behaviour. She’s coming to my lg birthday next month (I’m dreading) but maybe she will have changed. She also has bad mental health. I hope you get things sorted as there is no need for all this! Every Wednesday is enough really, but if she wants to take you to court go for it, she ain’t a leg to stand on girl x

How do you navigate cutting her off? Does your partner still speak to/see her with your little one? And you just avoid? Or do you all go no contact until big events like birthdays etc? Xx

My girl was 8 weeks when I cut her off. I deleted her etc, I still spoke to his sisters though so I dunno if they was passing on info or not but idc 🤣 my partner spoke to her when she spoke to him but she never saw my lg. she was drinking a lot (she’s an alcoholic) and then ringing us with shitty comments and I had enough. Every time she’d message I’d feel literally sick. But I ended up having a miscarriage and I told her and she just spoke over me.. so I went back to no contact (this was about 5 months after I went no contact) I just didn’t speak to her, my partner did if he wanted to. But she wouldn’t see my girl. I also had bad pp anxiety anyway and wouldn’t let her go anywhere without me so that also didn’t help maybe x

And yeh I’m such a homebody and not a party person at all lol I’ve not had a single drink of alcohol since a few months before I fell pregnant with our little one and as I’ve been EBF I’ve not had anything since and I’m totally against drugs etc so the complete opposite and such a goodie two shoes lol!! 😂 we both have really good jobs and a lovely home we have worked hard for too all so we could give our kids the best life. So definitely a solid and loving family unit for our daughter xx

@Courtney Davis I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and how she responded that’s so horrible I hope you are ok. I think this is maybe the approach I will need to have. Part of me hoped she would change and realise after they spoke but she’s made it worse and I don’t think it’s possible for me to heal now and I don’t want my daughter to be brought into it all if she’s going to be so toxic and basically threaten us with our own daughter it’s so sick xx

Grandparents don't get automatic rights to a grandchild in the uk, she can go through the courts but she has to prove that it's in the best interest of the child. She doesn't have a leg to stand on so if she wants to waste her money then tell her to go for it.

I was exactly the same! I hadn’t been out in 2 years, it’s just not the same when you have babies at home! That’s good though, you literally sound exactly the same as me🤣 don’t do drugs, don’t drink 🤣 that’s lovely to hear though! They definitely don’t have a leg to stand on!! I wouldn’t worry about it at all and let them waste there money! Xx

Thank you, I appreciate that!! It also would’ve been her grand baby so not sure why she reacted the way she did. But I definitely think you need to put some boundaries in place and if you need to cut her off In order for you to heal what’s happened, do it! Do it for you and your baby! Honestly, I don’t think they ever change! If mine kicks off after her bday I will be going back no contact! It is literally sick to do that, so do whet you need to do x

Grandparents do not have automatic parental rights on their grandchildren.. The only exceptions are when the biological parents are deemed unsuitable to care for their child & the grandparents have been granted guardianship through the court. Your partners mum sounds like a toxic piece of work (that’s the nicest way I can say it), who clearly doesn’t understand boundaries so stoops down to emotional blackmail. I’d start recording all evidence, any texts, detailing any phone call/in person conversations between you both & her. She sounds like the type to be throwing empty threats immaturely to be honest & she most likely knows how lengthy a process it is to take it to court, not to mention the cost factor. But, it’s always best to be prepared. You keep doing what’s best for your little girl & eliminate the negativity 🫶🏻

@Tiggy’s Mummy nothing specific was mentioned... she didn't mention threats to harm or text threats, she didn't mention what was said about her dead mother? She used to drink etc when she was younger and got her kid taken away, did she change cause we don't know if the mil is a drunk abs parties? I don't know what the psyche is, for ppl that do bad parenting with their kids or neglect or abuse etc but want to fix it through their grand kids? Or was the grandma abused in her life as kid top? Ask questions..8yrs, dam long time, did u not ask her about her life? U know crazy thing is, it's annoying but men change minds once isolate them from they're parents and keep grandkids away. They agree to it but most eventually want their parents in their kids life. Weird but especially men. It's this mixed race or cultural difference, ? Cause who talks about dead woman u never met.. she said u were raised poorly is that the evil part? Is hard get it, your vague in lot things😪

Ps u sound very young like 22 or early... cause if your asking about court and her having grandparents rights.. even in movies and on TV and crime real life stories , or divorcenot once does it come up where, grandparents have legal rights over kid they didn't give birth too.. but she can call for welfare checks and suggest if your abusive to the baby etc... that is another stressful thing even if you built a great home.

@Ali I was just looking for insight on anyone who maybe dealt with a similar situation. I think a lot of ur response doesn’t make sense in relation to things that are mentioned. I’m 29.

I have absolutely no idea what you wrote in both your comments @Ali 😳😂

Just to give an update. We decided it was a good idea for me to send a message outlining how I’m feeling / that I’m hurt. I have sent that text and it’s been ignored and the MIL has blocked and deleted me off of social media so at least I know she does not respect me enough to hear out how she’s made me feel x

I dont live in the UK but I'm a oranga tamariki approved carer in nz, she would have to prove that you and your partner are unfit parents which I doubt she could so in that instance I think you already know she would have no legs to stand on, I've been in a similar situation and it is really hard to completely cut off your mil especially if you have great relationships with your partners other family, everyone gets stuck in the middle. Definitely keep to your boundaries, she is not respecting you.

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