My 4 year old is throwing more tantrums

Right now my 4 year old is going through some kind of change… she has thrown at least two tantrums a day for a while now.. and it’s over the smallest things and it’s so hard to calm her down. And I understand that when she is throwing tantrums, it’s not the time to talk to her because I know that her brain is in fight mode and that she is incapable of listening. But the things is, even when I wait for later, and i’m talking like really later I try to use them as teaching moments… but she doesn’t listen. She gets distracted and talks about other things, or I try to ask her simple questions like “is it okay to throw things?” and she will say “i’m hungry” and I try SOOO HARD to stay calm! you know ! or i’ll try to tell her what happened. Like earlier she threw a tantrum because her dad called the phone and she wanted to answer. So I tried explaining to her that she doesn’t need to get mad, next time you could tell me, Mommy I want to answer the phone. Or something and she doesn’t get it. Another thing is when she is throwing her tantrums she says hurtful things like “I don’t love mommy anymore” And trust me I know not to take it personally because she’s only 4 but I just can’t help it for some reason. Especially when i know that I am trying my best to stay calm and not yell at her like my mom used to with me. I just can’t help but be hurt it really does hurt my feelings because I used to feel that way with my mom too, but she used to hit me and yell at me and shame me. So I don’t really understand why I am hearing these things when I am just not my mom 😭😭😭

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She hears those phrases from my mom btw if anyone wonders that. There are times we are with my mom and when my daughter doesn’t want to give a hug, my mom uses emotional manipulation and she says things like “So you don’t love me anymore?” Stuff like that I have always pretty much stay away from my mom. She makes things so much harder

https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/social-studies/social-emotional-character-development/social-emotional-match-ups-complete-set/p/EE100X/?srsltid=AfmBOooJxyWPCB3_CbvYbt7NZg13M1ZA7_S7ZZQ8GfBGtEi-w7tEAJWb My daughter cries a lot and gets frustrated easily, and she is 5. She also has difficulties answer simple questions like the ones you ask your daughter. I use these social emotional matching puzzles to help teach her better coping strategies while she is calm so she can identify her feelings and use the appropriate coping skill in the moment. I also have to ask her those types of questions multiple times before she starts to comprehend what I'm saying. She still doesn't get it sometimes, but repetition and frequently asking her the same questions is key for her. We also have a feelings chart in our family room and do feelings checks regularly so my kids can have the words to identify their emotions. There is also a coping strategy board next to it, so we go over those after we identify feelings.

I hear you, mama. It’s so tough when little ones go through these phases, especially when you’re doing your best to break cycles and parent differently than you were raised. It’s completely normal to feel hurt by the things she says, even though logically you know she doesn’t fully understand the impact of her words yet. One method that might help is using ‘emotion coaching’—when she’s calm, acknowledge her feelings first before guiding her. For example, ‘I see you were really upset when you couldn’t answer the phone. It’s okay to feel that way, but next time, let’s use words instead of getting mad.’ Over time, this helps her learn emotional regulation. You’re showing so much patience and love, and even if it doesn’t feel like it now, she is learning from you. Keep reminding yourself that tantrums aren’t a reflection of your parenting but just a part of her development. You’re doing an amazing job, and she will feel that love in the long run!

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