Help!! I'm losing my son !!

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I hate that we don't get along but all I do is look out for all of them not just one. So my oldest son he has an attitude like his father smh ND I hate it. When it comes to words from his Lil brother he'll get upset ND start choking him or fighting him. He does it while at his friends house also ND I just found out that part out yesterday. It's embarrassing ND worrying ND stressful. I do care bout my oldest just the same as his brother but I know his attitude from his father's. I get on him bcuz he has some so called friends at school that be calling (my oldest) him names ND starting group chats wit his name in it so I try to tell him if he let's that slide ND keeps that anger just to bring home to your brother is Hella wrong. Unfortunately there are ppl in his ear that don't want to know the whole truth so they get on the younger brother for messing wit him. Which sometimes he does but it can be only words not actions or harm. So I keep telling him stop letting your brother words affect you when you don't let it affect you from those fake "A" friends at school. It's probably my fault since they go to a mostly white or Mexican school but still like come on now ND they've been going to this district for some years so they know alot of students already. I forgot to mention both my boys are on middle school. So basically me ND my oldest sometimes get into it, wit him being a teenager I have to act like man ND give him a few punches here or there. But this morning he threw pieces of his deo while his brother was folding something ND just bcuz of his words he got mad ND start choking him. I couldn't get to him to stop him, but I guess he saw another adult coming around the corner hallway ND stopped. But he was bout to start back up when I walked in so I caught him in the act. I have to always separate them ND I hate it bcuz they are freaking brothers I shouldn't have to but I told my oldest to go in my room while I talked to my other son. Once done wit that convo, I went to talk to my oldest whom was supposed to be finishing up getting dressed or putting shoes on. He was just sitting there looking dumbfounded ND starring into space. I tried my best to get his attention ND tell him to finish but he kept ignoring me. So yea I went into action found something closest to me to use to discipline him with but that lead to the whole extra little small altercation. He grabbed me ND started to dig his nails while I started to punch him (no not too hard as I wanted to) a few times. I wasn't trying to make too much noise cuz my baby daddy was still sleep ND my younger daughter as well. After 1 minute he finally let go ND finished getting his stuff for school but I was trying to talk to him the whole time before, during, ND after. I was trying my best to deflate the situation ND calm my son down smh I hate how my relationship wit my son is but I know it's due to his father's traits. I only say that not bcuz I despise his father but becuz the father put me ND my oldest through some things while we were together. I know him like the back of my hand. I've tried a heart to heart wit my oldest. I've tried to reason (compromise) wit him on everything he's talked to me bout that bothers him. Nothing works smh what should I do? At this point I'm ready to send him to said father, regardless of how absent he is in the kids life, to deal wit him. But i know that won't do much since he'd rather raise other ppls kids than his own.