@Zoe we do give her choices if we ask her to do some things but even then we could just have her stand there give us a look and will refuse by shaking her head or shouting no 🤷🏼♀️
Have you done an adhd assessment with her? Speak to your doctor and ask for RIGHT TO CHOOSE. Make a loooooong list of ALL her behaviour, emotional and sensory issues since she was younger, if you can remember.
My daughter is diagnosed autistic. She struggled a lot, but her school put us in touch with an amazing local charity who offered therapy session for my daughter. They really helped her understand things, she still struggles with her emotions unfortunately that's part of being autistic. But she can sometimes take herself away to deal with things better. She now goes to a drop in organised by the same charity where she meets with other girls similar to her. She loves it. Try talking to the school. My daughter used to be ok in school, but she would come home and explode. I spoke with her teacher and her teacher was able to put 2 and 2 together and offered the sendco to come in and assess her, the sendco also noticed she was ticking boxes and sent in the educational psychologist, it was then she was put on the pathway to getting a diagnosis. It turned out she was displaying subtle signs in school despite doing her best to mask.
Take a look at PDA it could be that she doesn't feel like she has a choice, have you tried using different language so it doesn't sound like an instruction.