in Sex and Relationships with Railey Molinario

Loss of intimacy

I am 7 months pregnant with our second child, we have been together for 5 years now and am loosing intimacy with my partner. I have not had sex in a month now. Before going without sex for a month, we would have sex about every other week sometimes sooner than that, but it became fast sex and i would never be satisfied from i would say 5 months into the pregnancy. The excuse was “we don’t have time” before. Now he says he is having issues with getting an erection. I tried to be as supportive as I can be and even told him we can try other things IF he is having issues just to spark up our romantic side and play around. He agreed but has not tried at all for a whole month. He insist its not me and he is attracted to me more than ever, but cannot pinpoint what the issue is. However, if we go out I catch him looking at other woman with desire and feel like he doesn’t look at me that way anymore. I walk around naked, with sexy underwear or even try dirty talk here and there. He tells me i look beautiful and what not all the time but that desire in his eyes is not there for me. He doesn’t look at me like he looks at other females with short dresses or nice bodies. And most of all doesn’t TRY.. It’s hard not to get low self esteem from this. I feel like i am not good enough even though i try to be understanding and try to tell myself that this is something he is going through. I just see signs here and there that make me feel like I am not what he desires sexually at the moment and i do not know how to fix it. We’re engaged now and im questioning if I even want to be in this relationship and move forward with our marriage just because we had issues before in which he previously told someone else he was not attracted to me and was watching porn. We broke up over it and got back together about 4 months after the incident. Things got a lot better and our connection got stronger until now. I can’t help but feel like it is happening again although there are no other signs of him watching porn or anything like that.. i could just have ptsd from our previous issues. I don’t know. Any advise?

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your insecurities here are set in real life applications so don’t feel like it’s your fault!! my partner and i had a similar issue around a year before our boy was born- he was far too into porn and not into me, it’s really shitty feeling and can cause embarrassment, anxiety, insecurity and anger from both sides. we went to couples counselling- specifically focusing on sex and intimacy. this really helped us move on and he quit porn all together- he even got a blocker app for it on his phone. some of the advice i could give would be to write both an affection letter and a letter of issues, write them both on the same day. it will force you both to condense down your issues to written word- this often can cause some serious self reflection and help build up to a more raw talk. if he seems uninterested in doing some of the work then it’s a big red flag 🚩 i put a pornographic block on our wi-fi at home to test him before we went to the counselling- and he lied to me about it and kept

fiddling with the wi-fi to try and get it to work, sometimes catching them in the act is the only way to get them to truly hold their hands up! but meeting him with compassion is the right way to go- lots of my partners porn issues were rooted in his own insecurity and self worth, a habit to cope with overwhelm stress and bad self image. one more thing you could do is start intimacy in a different way, get rid of the sex entirely for a while and strip it back down to basics- sometimes people need to re fall in love to realise that they have issues, know that may be a nasty thing to hear but likely desensitised men don’t have the capacity to step back and see what they have right in front of them! feel free to message me i’ve been here before!! good luck girl, stay compassionate, calm and kind- even though the anger and hurt may be rife !

My issue is not with him watching porn at the moment. This was a previous issue two years ago which we worked on but with us not having sex for a month it just takes me back to that time two years ago. I have not seen evidence of him watching porn at the moment.. so im not sure on how to go about the situation overall. Maybe i am being triggered and over thinking or maybe it is the same scenario again. Not sure how to be sure, if that makes sense.

I appreciate the advise and support!

hmm perhaps the issue and affection letter would help for sure then- because if the issue isn’t porn then perhaps it’s something else! being faced up next to your partner is more difficult than doing it in a passive way in a letter. you will be able to tell if he’s being truly real with you, remember it’s about how you both feel- and how much he wants to make action to aid this. honestly though things like that will be triggered from time to time, you are not going nuts to be thinking this- just because you guys have moved on doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen, and me and my partner are the same-we still talk about it occasionally because it’s the reassurance i need and the clarity on why i’m feeling a certain way he needs. really look at his reaction to you being honest and he should have compassion for you too, because him understanding you feel insecure about this issue still shows the signs of emotional intelligence and acceptance

Yes i definitely agree with that and will give the letter a try. I will talk to him about doing that exercise together and see how it goes. Thank you so much’

not a problem 🌟🌟

Lyss you misunderstood my post. Those things were from a previous issue we had two years ago. He is not saying that now and has changed tremendously in so many ways since that last incident two years ago. Which is why I wonder if i am just being triggered and in my head. I just want advise on how to fix our intimacy and not blame myself or let my self esteem be affected.

He definitely does not resemble a narcissist for sure. None of those qualities are a problem. He doesn’t discard me, doesn’t blame me, doesn’t give me the silent treatment. He often reassures me on daily basis. We just have a lack of intimacy at the moment. thats all.

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