POCD
Does anyone else suffer with POCD? It’s something I’ve learnt about recently and is something that I’ve only suffered with PP.
I used to lay awake at night and have extreme intrusive thoughts about someone doing something to my baby and therefore don’t go out alone with her because I’m so scared of men. It doesn’t help that I hear so many stories on tiktok of kids being R worded and in the comments there’s hundreds of “this happened to me at this age” etc. Literally yesterday I saw a story of how a mum would SA her children and it’s messing with my head so bad.
Years ago a friend told me a story of how a girl in her rehab used to get sold off by her mother as young as the age of 3 days old and it makes me sick to my stomach and I cried so much when she told me about this girl. As soon as I had a baby, all I could think about was this girl and how anyone could do something so fucked up.
Recently I’ve been thinking am I weird for thinking my baby is cute when she’s in her nappy and I get random f’d up thoughts when I change her nappy, it doesn’t happen every day but I don’t understand why it keeps entering my brain because I would NEVER EVER hurt her and she is my whole world.
I feel like I can’t even tell my partner about this because it feels so wrong and if I bring attention to it, I think it will get worse.
Almost 10 years ago now when my oldest was a baby I suffered with this with my ppa/ppd it was hell there was these intrusive thoughts when I changed him that were like what if I did *that* then I'd have to kill myself and this like loop scenario like ope don't do that you'll have to leave the room and kill yourself it was a horrible experience and of course I kept it to myself it wasn't until 6 years later I saw a women talk about it and I was like oh! That happened to me for a few months when lo was a baby. It's a horrific and sickening experience and I'm glad to say outside of that rough postpartum period it hasn't happened again. I can't offer you a solution just an "it gets better" your brain is working through all the potential dangers for your baby and even testing you. With my second I'd get intrusive thoughts of dropping him and I'd hug him a little tighter. Make sure I was being a little safer, I think it's like that. Your brain doesn't see any threats so it's making up potentials to test you