Baby not bonding with me

You’re doing good mama. Your baby is only 5 weeks old, their attachment has barely formed yet. Attachment develops over time with repeated interactions with a caregiver. You've barely had enough time for that to even take shape. Babies don't even show a preference for a specific caregiver until they're around 6 months old. That's when you will be able to notice some very early signs of attachment style. Don’t feel discouraged you will bond with your baby as the time goes on💕

It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself!! I’m a FTM and gave up on breastfeeding after the first week. It was not only painful, but extremely stressful for me and the baby and I decided “hey, I don’t WANT to do this.” I’ve been exclusively pumping and recently even started supplementing with formula (wasted bottles of breast milk were causing me stress so mixing portions with formula now allows me to relax and not worry so much about if baby finishes his bottle). From what I can tell, my anxieties cause my baby to get worked up sometimes when he’s with me. They can sense your stress. My husband on the other hand is extremely relaxed and doesn’t worry about things the way I do, so sometimes our baby will be more calm with him. I’ve been working on it more and finding ways to calm myself, so now connecting with my baby is not an issue! Those first weeks after birth my emotions were all over the place. I still have bad days but now I’m having a lot of good ones too 💗

You will see the brighter side soon

Are you the one feeding him with the bottles? My baby didn’t latch for the first two weeks and I found it really helped if I was the one giving her the bottle. Watching someone else feed your baby whilst you pump is really a horrible feeling, so I totally feel you. In terms of the latch, did you try nipple sheilds? This is how I got mine to latch after two weeks. You’re doing an amazing job, pumping is so hard, and creates so much extra work. If you do want to try to get him to latch I really recommend getting an appointment with a specialist. In the end we went to multiple appointments and got so much advice before it finally worked. I don’t produce enough milk so we supplement with formula but still it’s nice to feed her what I can from the boob. Would also spare you having to pump so much!

Also in terms of the general bonding I would try skin to skin. You can feed him with the bottle skin to skin and then burp and cuddle him skin to skin ❤️

I mostly pump and take care of my 5 week old on my own. I’m not saying that’s what you have to do but if you are worried about not getting enough time with him/her then you can definitely do it. I bottle feed while I pump and pump every time she eats. I change her diaper set up my pump, warm up her bottle and then do it all at the same time and it honestly gets me through my pumping session being able to still hold her/feed her.

@Abbi what pump do you have that you can easily feed her while pumping? I really struggle with doing both at the same time.

Try not to be so hard on yourself! It is very early and anything can change. My first didn't latch until he was almost 3 months old. At that time I was pumping only 4 times a day and producing all but 1 or 2 bottles a day (that would be formula). When I wasn't pumping I tried to get all the snuggles I could, and if I went longer between pumping it was fine. My new one has been hit and miss on latching (more miss than hit) but we have decided to use formula at night to make life easier and reduce stress on my pumping.

First off: motherhood is so hard and you are doing the best you can! Things I would try: -using a hands free pump that goes in your bra and doing skin to skin while pumping -keep trying to latch directly (took me three months to finally get a good latch and switch from pumping to breastfeeding my first baby) -make eye contact with baby as much as possible while getting him used to your voice, just talking to him -keeping a time just for you and baby to spend together or nap together without husband and MIL -keep an eye out for PPD, maybe it’s just your hormones and you can take something to help balance them I went through similar feelings with my first because my birth was not how I imagined and breastfeeding was so so hard that it took months before we figured it out. I tried all of the above and who knows what happened but it finally all clicked together in the end

@Kathy I use spectra s1 and wear a pumping bra to hold it on. It is a struggle sometimes to change setting but I’ll do it when I go to burp her or when she needs a break I just quickly hit the button.

Have you taken baby to a pediatrician to see if there is a possible tie in his mouth that prevents him from latching? If you are somehow able to get him to feed, it should increase your supply. Also, maybe try power pumping to increase it if you have not already. If it comes down to you not wanting to pump anymore, supplement with formula or donated milk. It sounds like you bonding with your baby is what is most important to you, so do what you need to in order to achieve that. Bonding doesn’t even have to be nursing. He could lay on your chest and you rub his hair. You could walk with him and sing. Your baby loves you and these first few weeks are hard. My LO is also five weeks and I am constantly having to remind myself that I am good enough and doing the best I can. They don’t need you to be perfect, they just need you. You will find what works for you, it feels like these five weeks have lasted five months, but really, it’s just the beginning. You and your baby will get through it!

Everything I’ve heard (including from the pediatrician) says skin to skin is simplest and most impactful way to bond. So whether it’s breast milk or formula, I try holding my daughter as much as possible. Lately, I’ve been wearing her because it’s also the fastest way to get her into a deep sleep. I think it’s most important not to stress about what out how you feed your little one. There’s unwarranted pressure to make us feel like failures if we don’t feed them breast milk, especially from the breast. But that pressure just leads to stress, which is counter productive to producing milk anyway. My pediatrician also told me breast milk actually lacks some of the vitamins in formula-vitamin D in particular. I say pump when and what you can but less often if the breast milk is that important to you to free yourself up for more skin to skin time. My doula said even if you’re pumping only twice as day, doing it on a consistent schedule will get you some bang for your buck.

I’m sorry it has been a struggle for you and it will definitely get better! I have to pump and supplement because what I pump isn’t enough either. You’re definitely not alone. I have my husband and mom here but I do just like @Abbi does and I pump feed and change her. I chose for it to be this way to get more bonding because pumping is a full time job especially if you’re pumping just enough or not enough! Stress can definitely play a role in things. Find ways to help yourself relax and feel calm.

I think your husband and MIL are trying to help, but anyone would feel disconnected if they’re banished to pumping and don’t get to experience the reward of nurturing your baby and feeding them yourself with the milk you’re providing. I’ve felt that here! Breastfeeding didn’t work bc of latch issues and tension in my baby’s jaw. I worked to have time to bottle feed or at least cuddle and do skin to skin. Contact naps can really help as long as you’re getting your needs met too! And soon your baby will be smiling and cooing so maybe when they’re calm you can start talking to them about your day. The more you get that quality time, the more you will enjoy being a mom ❤️ hugs!! Hope you can voice this to your husband and MIL as needed and get them to support you connecting with your boy better