My stepdaughter told her mom she wants to live with usš¬
My stepdaughter has been saying for years that she wants to live with us, but sheās scared of how her mom would react. Iāve told her in the past that weāre open to it, but I donāt think her mom would agree, and I donāt want to cause any issues. It would complicate things, especially since if her brothers stay with their mom, we need to find a way for them to still see each other. We might also have to go back to court to adjust the arrangement, which would be a lot to handle. Maybe when sheās older, we can reevaluate the situation. We've had the same conversation for four years because she really wants this. This weekend, she came over feeling hurt because she finally told her mom that when she turned 14, she would like to live with us. This gives us time to figure things outāabout a year and a half. According to her and her brothers, she and her mom had a big fight, and her mom stated, āNo, sheās going to do everything in her power to make sure that never happens. She has primary custody and doesnāt care what her daughter wants.ā Since then, her mom has been giving her the silent treatment and is not talking to her at all; this started on Tuesday.
I don't think any of us were surprised by how the mom reacted, but I know it really hurt my stepdaughter. Itās okay if her mom doesnāt allow her to come live with us at 14; that won't negatively impact our relationship. However, Iām worried about their relationship. Over the last year or two, her mom has been using a lot of emotional manipulation with the kids. She has employed the silent treatment and told them she won't love them anymore or talk to them again if they donāt behave. She has also been negatively impacting my stepdaughterās confidence and wants her to be a carbon copy of herself. Whenever my stepdaughter tries to look, act, dress, or think differently from her mom, it creates conflict. she has basically called her fat and ugly on several occasions.
I want her and her mom to have a good relationship and I 100% know for a fact that mom's behavior is going to create resentment. I want to help but have no idea what to do in this situation. And I know I can't just talk to mom because when I tried to a few yrs ago she yelled at me and told me there's no reason I should ever speak to her and then basically tried to accuse me of abusing her kids because her step mom abused her.
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So I have a similarly HCBM in my life and I really want to stress: it is not your responsibility to create a good relationship between BM and SD. That's BM's responsibility. The way BM is treating her children is not okay. You are also not responsible for her behavior. As much as you want BM and SD to have a good relationship, you cannot create that relationship for BM. It sounds like you have a good relationship with SD, and she's lucky to have a stepmomma who cares so deeply about her. Don't underestimate how much you're doing for her by simply being a safe adult in her life and loving her without any strings attached.
You're a few years out from this actually happening, so I wouldn't let it take up too much mental real estate. A first step might be going back to court to get more time over the summer or on school breaks. You cannot control bm's relationship with sd, you can only be a positive role model yourself and support your husband in his desired level of involvement with parenting.