Advice needed

Hi everyone! It's a very long backstory... but our relationship with SD has been very spotty over the past couple of years in terms of one minute she wants to be part of the family, then only see dad, then see none of us, then see dad again etc. I've always had a good relationship with her since I entered her life 7 years ago and always made sure I had 1:1 time, dad had 1:1 time, kept my distance, but there when she needed me. Treat her like my own etc. It's been the usual drama with an extremely high conflict, toxic BM who has done many things to try and fracture our relationship with SD. Whilst also really, really affecting my husband's MH. I did tell him he should of went to court years ago, but he never did and I guess the stage we are at now is a consequence of that action partly, but as she is 13 now it seems quite late to be going down that route as she 'votes with her feet.' Anyway, during periods of not seeing dad he reassures her he'd like to see her whenever she's ready, tries to keep in touch as much as she'll let him without pressuring her, tells her he misses her, offers her to do things etc, goes to her house on bdays/Christmas to drop off cards and prezzies and stuff. Anyway we also have 2 bio children (3) and (1). She's met my eldest before and they were starting to form a bond before she decided she didn't want to see them anymore 'until they were older' and she hasn't yet met youngest sadly as she hasn't wanted to. Anyway she messaged dad 2 days ago asking if she could come around again and when etc. I'm just wondering how you navigate this situation with your bio children? My son is 3 but very switched on and also very sensitive. He remembers his sister, but we haven't had 'deep' conversations about it yet as he's too little to understand the ins and outs. What could I do to prepare him before she comes around? Any tips? I just really don't want to confuse him! I think I'll add at the end that when we have periods of not seeing her, I just pick up from where we left off to not make it feel like a 'big deal' or scary for her and also I'm really looking forward to seeing her again after what feels like so long because I've missed her! Don't want anyone thinking I'm the evil step-mum type haha! Xxxxx

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I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Is there any chance in the current moment she can see dad and build on that relationship before exposing her to her siblings where she comes and goes and it disrupts upsets them ? When things are more stable of course bring her into that environment again ? Just a suggestion of taking it slowly based on the past x

@Nicole Hi Nicole! Thanks for commenting 😊 that was my initial suggestion to him and what we usually do when this situation happens every few months. But she has specifically asked to come around and see us all! So I'm a bit confused as of what to do this time🤣

Wow this sounds exactly like the situation with my husband and his daughter. She goes through stages of not wanting to see him and then wants to see him, then when she goes home doesn't want to see him again. Maybe she should meet with dad first then when it becomes more regular introduce the children again? I have a 3 year old son and it must be very confusing for them but they are also too young to explain

If she has asked to come round and see you all, dad should say that they need to build up their relationship first just them two

@Rebecca I think actually that's probably going to be for the best for the first initial times. It's weird because I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't want her to think WE don't want her here or want to see her... But actually I think you're right, he needs to meet up with her a few times and see where the relationship is going and maybe gently explain that he doesn't want to put any pressure on her with all of us at once? A toddler and an infant by nature are 'full on' anyway🤣 Then I'll just wait and see what happens going forward and maybe think about how best to approach the situation with my 3 year old then. He has involvement with his Sendco at nursery school and they're brilliant with him so they might even have some advice! Not sure if im thinking out loud or answering my own post now🤣 It's a hard situation to navigate though isn't it. Xxx

It is a very hard situation and I completely understand as I don't want to put my 3 year old in the middle of it all. My SD came down in September and hasn't been since and hardly speaks to her dad. She seems to come down the we don't see her for a few months and then it's a vicious cycle that we just can't keep up with. My husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place too, he's tried everything he can to see her/speak to her but she isn't interested. We're also due another baby soon so I dont really want this around the kids picking and chosing when she wants to come xx

@Rebecca honestly it's almost an identical situation! It's hard because I know it's a mixture of unfortunately mum putting things in her head, not wanting to come if we're not going on a 'day out,' a little bit of jealousy knowing she isn't an only child on dad's side now and also the fact dad has always been clear on rules/boundaries at his house (even before our children together and me coming on the scene etc) and mum doesn't have any! It's also really hard when they decide they're just not going to come for whatever reason, but all the things you could do to resolve these issues are almost impossible when there's no regular contact😫 Congrats on the new baby btw! Your toddler will love them. Mine dotes on his little brother❤

Yeah exactly the same with boundaries and rules on this side too especially with her phone! And jealousy of what they're doing on mum's side when she's supposed to be with her dad. Message me if you ever want to rant about it! Thank you so much, I'm due in 8 days 🙈

Maybe all go out somewhere together, somewhere that your 3 year old could distance himself a bit if he needs to.. like a soft play.. I know she’s older and probably outgrown this but it might help with the little one’s confusion and give him the option to do his own thing if he’s feeling overwhelmed. A lot of soft plays near us are in shopping outlets so dad could take SD out shopping for a bit and pop back in to spend some time with all of you as well… When my step son met his brother for the first time when he was 7 months, this is what we did.. it gave my step son the freedom to go off and play and not be all close in a room together when meeting for the first time as it can be a lot for kids. You’re right with court though.. at 13 she would ultimately be heard by a judge and they would go off what she wants x

@Jemima thank you! I think I'm gonna get dad to start meeting her first (I will make sure he tells her I do miss her though🤣) then somewhere with a park or an area for younger kids as well sounds good! I'll have a think there's a few places around here like that 😊