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Long story short as I’m sure you will understand but my husband has a 5 year old son in Spain. We have had to go through the courts abroad spending our entire life savings and some as access was removed when we got together 4 years ago. We now have our own son and after many visits to Spain we are finally bringing my step son home to us for a week at Christmas. My step sons mother is extremely coercive and controlling and frankly if she was a man she would be in prison. She is now insisting that she be able to call when he is with us whenever she wants as much as she wants . This will genuinely be really difficult for my husband as while he does his absolute best he really struggles to communicate with her. We try to keep things in writing as she rail roads him and abuses him but she constantly insists on f2f and if he says no berates his co parenting abilities . I can’t emphasise just how verbally and psychologically abusive she has been. We have said that if he asks to speak to her we will of course facilitate but we’re not sure what else to do. When with us we offer but he always says ‘no’ or ‘later’ - we would never stop him. But if he doesnt ask for it we don’t really want her part of our first Christmas all together multiple times a day . For context she does not speak to him every day when my husband has him for weekends in Spain and only ever calls persistently on the times I’m also there. She has put is through hell ten times over so while it might sound harsh we have no interest in making her feel better about the trip and cant help but feel that this insistence is just another attempt to control and harm. Her son also spends up to a week at a time with his grandparents regularly so is used to being away from his mum and vice versa- its not at all new to him. After anyones advice but please be kind we’re good people and we’ve really been through it.

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Courts will say that when you are with each parents that is your own time. Unless it’s extenuating circumstances eg a holiday then they might advise a phonecall. I’m not certain this can be forced though. But for the little boys sake wouldn’t he want to speak to his mum? Xx

This sounds awful I’m really sorry, why does BM think she has any right to enforce phone calls whenever she wants when he is with you, she can’t tell you what to do in your household. Of course if he wants to talk to mum then that’s different, but he’s obviously not that bothered when you ask so I’d just leave it and if he asks to ring mum, then ring. I would just try and be nice but firm with BM otherwise it sounds like it will get worse! Yes you need to respect her as the mum but also you can’t let her think she can control your home xx

Say yeah Ignore the phone Assuming with you saying for Christmas you have him Christmas Eve, day and Boxing Day? In which case I’d allow phone contact on Christmas Eve before bed and Christmas Day but not loads and not whenever she wishes I’d just agree to it and then when it comes down to it say oh we’re so busy or we’re out atm oh he’s busy doing x y z and doesn’t want to stop we will get him to ring later or whatever and be done with jt

Agree for her to call a couple of times. Not everyday that's excessive and not giving him a chance to enjoy his time with you. It's also controlling

@Amy the only problem with that is she can stop access next time. Been in that situation it's a difficult one

@Rebecca it sounds like it’s gone through courts and it’s all approved contact time No court would say she is reasonable in stopping contact because dad was busy and didn’t answer all of her calls 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Amy it could happen though and dad would be forced to go through courts again. It's not worth ignoring the calls. Best to come to an agreement

@Rebecca sadly it sounds like if they don’t agree she won’t let him go anyway :/ so probably stuck between a rock and a hard place :(

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate all of your input so far. Yes contact is all court approved (Spanish family courts as she took him to Spain.) The Judge thought she was awful and was pretty clear in their written judgement about her bad behaviour. So far we have said a call WHENEVER he asks (he may do, but never usually does over long weekends) Christmas Day and then we would see what works best for him - this might be every day but it also may not. It’s his first time here in 2 years and we want to see what is best for him and how she behaves on the calls.What do you guys think to that? She just reverts to abuse at every juncture- would you just lay this out say that’s final, finalise collection time for December and say no more? This is so frigging exhausting! The good thing is where he lives the police enforce contact orders so she can’t really refuse to hand him over in the same way you could here - well thats what our solicitors have assured us.

@Rebecca she can’t legally stop access unless she believes the child to be in danger. A court wouldn’t grant telephone calls any time of the day every day anyway and they would say she was being unreasonable.

Personally, i think it might be quite hard for your stepson to be away from mum in a different country for that amount of time (for the first time) and for contact to be forbidden and for that reason I would ask if he would like to call mum to show him that you are accommodating and care for his feelings but ask at a time which is suitable for your household and that you can facilitate and allow contact. I wouldn’t allow contact at her request as and when she wishes but on your terms I would. X

I think I’d do a Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day call as they’re two big days to miss A quick call maybe on the 21st when he arrives and then as and when he asks is more than enough!

@Amy I agree with this