Step mom frustration 😔😤

So, back story, I’ve been in my current relationship for 5 years.. I have a 8 year old daughter, he has a 7 year old son, and we have a 1 year old together, and another baby on the way that’s due in February. Being a bonus parent has always been complicated, I’ve always been disrespected by not only hcbm, but by her family AND his family as well. Dealt with him cheating with her, them all threatening me and my daughter, disrespecting us, telling lies on me, even his family telling me “she’s nothing to him, she needs to mind her business and worry about taking care of her kids!”, etc. Over the years I’ve tried my hardest to get over it and keep building a relationship with him, and it’s always been problems. Well they’ve always expected me to buy things for him and send them out the door for him, or help watch him when it’s convenient for everyone else, or only be a part of his life if it helps his dad. Otherwise I’m used and disrespected. Now over the last couple years, and the last few months, it’s been his son only coming over when we’re spending money or going on vacation. Going shopping and out to an event, he makes sure he comes over. Went to great wolf lodge for my baby’s 1st bday, he was there. Holiday where he knows he’s getting expensive gifts, he’s here. When he is here, dad makes it seem like it’s okay to spend money going out to arcades or shopping or out to eat 2-3 times a day. And when he’s gone, he yells at my daughter for asking for these things. But in between those times, he doesn’t come over for weeks or months at a time. He hasn’t been over since before Halloween when we took them to trunk or treats and had a game night, and now won’t be here until Christmas to get his gifts, and it’s getting beyond frustrating. Part of me just wants to focus on my kids and give up on trying when it comes to any of them. But the other part of me doesn’t want to make him feel left out or hurt his feelings. Although i don’t necessarily blame him completely, i still don’t appreciate being treated that way. His mother is the same way and teaches him to be like that. She lies to the courts for child support and uses that money to take him to water parks, and go on vacation, and for unnecessary things instead of taking care of him, and this will be on days we are supposed to have him. Also sends him here in dirty and torn up clothes so we have to spend even more money to buy him new things all the time. And sadly my bf refuses to go file for a violation about this or a reduction in child support or change in custody. My kids are with me 24/7, and my bonus son only comes around when he is getting something out of it. Idk what to do. 😔🤦🏼‍♀️

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Sorry you’re feeling this way . I unfortunately can relate . My step daughter basically only wants to come over when she gets something out of it but on her own time . We have a court order but she never wants to come over. She’ll ask to come over after she’s done celebrating whatever holiday/occasion at her moms such as bdays and Christmas. She’ll skip out on random months unless we have a trip planned and she’ll make it clear we can’t go places without her and her dad will blatantly agree. It’s really hard . I tried to get advice from others and nobody understands unless they’re a step mom too . They tell me it’s not fair for her to have two homes and my daughter is the privileged one because she has two parents together . I feel your frustration feel free to message me to vent if needed

@Eldrine it’s so frustrating and hurtful. Especially when i still go out of my way to do things for him too and it takes away from my kids that are with me 24/7, that only have me and my family because my boyfriends family wants nothing to do with them. 😔 But his son has our family, my family, my bf’s family, and his mom’s family at home. It just isn’t fair to me. Then my daughter sees that he doesn’t wanna come unless we’re going somewhere or getting him something, so she’s been expecting the same. And i can’t do it. 😔 I just don’t see myself willing to put up with it much longer. I’m really all my kids have, so to have to overextend myself for people or another child that is basically just using me isn’t fair to my kids. I love him and I’m always willing to spoil him the same, but not if I’m just gonna be used for that and be disrespected and have to struggle for mine just because everyone thinks I’m supposed to allow this. Something’s gotta give.

@Airianna trust me I know exactly how you feel . And it’s hard when you WANT to be able to love the child as if they were your own and then having to learn how to set those boundaries for your own sanity is even harder . It’s the same for me . My daughter only has my side basically because my husbands side constantly overcompensates for my sd because they assume she just needs more because her parents aren’t together when similar to what you said a lot of people are showing up and showing out for her and my daughter constantly gets overlooked