How to move past this

My baby was born at 34+5 nearly 2 weeks ago due to placenta failure. I had an emergency section at 6.30pm and he was taken straight to NICU and placed on a CPAP machine and feeding tube as well as glucose due to blood sugars of 0.5 They took me in my hospital bed to his incubator and I got to hold him for a short while They wanted to send my husband home and send me up to the post natal ward. I was supposed to be prioritised for a side room by the perinatal team but they'd not put any plans in place because "we're waiting until you're 36 weeks" despite the fact I'd stated consistently from around 20 weeks that I was at very high risk of pre term birth (other health condition) But they were wanting to take me to the main ward where other women had their newborns with them and said my husband had to go home (it was around 11.30 at this point). I appreciate it's not fair on other women having a man on the ward etc but it seems barbaric to me that they'd send ANY woman to a postnatal ward surrounded by crying babies when her baby is in NICU but to do it to someone with a serious mental illness at a high risk of PP psychosis was barbaric. I was in an absolute state and my husband refused to leave me like that so the midwife in delivery suite managed to rearrange it so we could stay there. Baby was in NICU for 2 days. I didn't spend much time with him (a couple of hours a day in chunks) a. Because of pain b. Because I just couldn't bear to see him like that. I did and still do blame myself for him even being in there as it was my illness that caused him to be premature. I was moved to the ward the day after he was born and fortunately got a side room but I could still hear babies and I ended up with headphones in for a good 24 hours only able to communicate with my husband via text He was moved to SCBU after 2 days, then on the ward with me for 3 days (he needed to go back in an incubator for 12 hours light therapy but he was in my room) And we came home a week later He's absolutely fine. Clinically discharged, healthy etc But I cannot stop crying. I'm fine in the day time and when I'm busy but if I sit for a minute my head automatically goes back to that first evening and 2 days in Nicu. I don't even know how to verbalise how I feel, I'm normally very good with explaining my emotions but my head is just an absolute mess. My husband is wonderful but openly admits he doesn't know how I feel and basically all he can do is hold us while I cry. I don't know how to snap out of it. I can't even look at photos of those first few days. I realise how insensitive this may be given how lucky we were to only spend a few days there and some babies/mums are there for weeks/months I thought I was strong and resilient but this is destroying me and I really don't know how to handle it