Health visit

That's difficult! You definitely need to get better with boundaries because baby isn't even here yet (by the sounds of it) and she's already overstepping. You've not missed out on much in terms of advice from a health visitor though. They don't do a lot in my opinion! What is it you're worried about? You'd probably have better luck in here or just do some research tbh.

Could you possibly text your health visitor and ask? Just explain you weren’t comfortable asking in front of your mother in law… if that was me I would have answered the door and told her to come back at a different time or not at all. I always make sure my front door is always locked too so no one can just come in uninvited. As for calling you a rude cow that’s uncalled for even if it was meant to be a joke! If it was mines she would have got asked very quickly to leave and not to bother coming back, what did your boyfriend say when she said that to you?

@Caroline she was absolutely lovely I can’t fault the woman. But when my MIL came down I felt restricted on what I could ask or talk about. The main thing I wanted to ask for was support, as I’m not happy living with my MIL at the minute. She argues with me over what I would want to do with my child and says they’re “childish views”. She blames me for “ruining the relationship with her son” even though their relationship is perfectly fine. I think she doesn’t like the idea that now when something is wrong, he comes to me instead of her. She’s argued with me over little things, and says whenever I voice my opinion, she finds it childish, and she doesn’t agree with it. But she’s free willingly allowed to voice hers and expect no consequences. It’s honestly so draining. I have 9 weeks left of this pregnancy, and I dread bringing her into the world and having to share her with her.

You are so much better than me because I would have just straight up asked her to leave as this isn't about her pregnancies but mine.

Ahh so you're living with her? You're not really going to be able to avoid her 'visiting' then, are you? I'd be looking to move out asap!!

Call up and either ask for another visit or ask for 10-20 min call scheduled in to the ask questions. I called to change the visit day and couldn’t get off the phone almost because they were checking I had no questions. Hopefully you’ve got an equally supportive team in your area ❤️ sorry about your bfs mother! Good luck x

This sounds so sad and stressful that your are having to go through this. She sounds incredibly selfish . Are you living with her ? Or is she living with you ? Honestly I would speak yo your partner and really explain your worries and concerns and how it’s all making you feel. At the end of the day this is your child , you are the mother regardless of what she says or does it’s for you to now stand up and make very clear boundaries for you and your child and your partner should absolutely stand behind you. She sounds toxic. Pregnancy and being a new mum is hard enough, I would be looking to move out or asking her to leave if she is living with you. You are not responsible for her relationship with her son but you are responsible for looking after your self and your baby and making sure you are in a healthy environment physically, mentally and emotionally. Good luck 🥰

@Caroline were currently on the housing list! When i told her about the visit she said she’d stay clear etc etc. she was in her room for the beginning of it but half way came down because she “got nosey”

@Bex we’re living with her until we get accepted for housing, which just seems to be further and further away 😔I speak to my partner but he feels there’s a lot he can’t talk to her about or else she will blow up about it. And she can be a very nasty woman. She told us to get rid of our baby when I was 16 weeks, now 31, yet she still tries to justify her saying it. As much as I would like to say he’s on my side, it’s behind closed doors, whenever it’s brought into a conversation with her present, he makes it out as though he sees both sides. Or he’ll say all three of us need to have a conversation, yet will stay out of it and listen to his mother degrade and shout at me. It’s so draining and I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to bring my babygirl into this world and share her with this woman. But unless we get housing soon, I have no choice

I would call the health visiting team and see if you can arrange an appointment with your HV outside the house. She will definitely have picked up on the vibe and your MIL was massively overstepping. HV might be able to assist you in being bumped up the housing list if you explain the impact it's having on your mental health and her having witnessed it will only add further weight x so sorry you're going through this 😔 xx

@Chloe my boyfriend didn’t say anything, he’s very standoffish when it comes to his mother because she can be a very nasty person

Usual boys and their mothers though 🙄 my partner is the same says one thing to me and something different to her only because she just cry’s crocodile tears! I would just try speak to your health visitor and see if you can go over what you were wanting to say but couldn’t

@Chloe it’s so frustrating. I get he doesn’t want to hurt her, but it’s as though my feelings never get taken into account. She even said nothing she could say about me or our daughter could put a wedge in between them!! Which just made me double think like what??? If you spoke about my child or my partner in a disrespectful way no matter whether it was out of anger or not I would not have contact with you. Especially with our daughter🙄

My health visitor said I could ring or text? (I’ve not needed to) but I’m sure you could ring or you should have the health visitor line? Not sure about your area but mine had midwife/health visitor hubs where you can drop in I used to go once a month for about 8 months

@Josie thank you so much!! I’ll definitely have to have a look :)

I’m with you on that honestly I don’t want any of my in laws seeing my daughter they don’t bother with her and my partner agree’s but instead he will say yes for them to come up after like 3-4 months of not seeing her instead of saying no and he will just go along with what his mum says instead of telling her she’s wrong… I don’t get it with boys and their mum’s I get frustrated so I know exactly where your coming from, that definitely makes you think what has she been saying about you or even worse your daughter 🤨 but hopefully he would actually tell her she’s in the wrong if that happened

Their usually in libraries, community centres and children centres (some have free stay and play to depending on the area) hope they do them in your area and you get the answers you need 😊

If you are living with your MIL you can't really expect her to stay away. I do think she should have given you privacy at your appointment though, and I would have asked her to leave, you need to get stronger in standing up for yourself and your baby. What did you BF do by the way? Just sit there and let his Mum talk about herself

@Kath it’s not that I expect her to, it’s that she said she would when I first mentioned the visit to her! And then came down because “she was nosey”half way through. After the visitor left, she went straight back upstairs to continue what she was doing

@Kath and yes, my bf is very standoffish with his mum. Anything you say she can flip a switch over

I am a health visitor and I can assure you this happens a lot and we can spot it a mile off. I would advise just giving the Health Visitor a call and explaining, they might be able to get back out to see you or meet with you at clinic so you can chat.

My heart breaks for you . I’m so sorry you are going through this all alone without a supportive partner . It must be very lonely and emotionally exhausting. I hope you get that housing soon . I would also try make it clear to your bf that you and your baby should now be a priority not his mother unless that’s who he intends to spend the rest of his life with. Hoping it all works out for you 💕🥰

@Bex I have asked him before but he said I was making him choose sides, which will only make him go the other way. So honestly I’ve come to an end asking to be prioritised

That awful . The truth is you should never ask to be prioritized it’s should just be a given. I’m so sorry you are not being treated the way you should. Sometimes you need to look at the situation and decide if it the best one to bring your baby into .. sounds like you lack support from him and that’s a bit of a red flag. Everyone deserves someone that makes them feel heard and validated. Think you might be facing a bigger decision seems like your mother in law is not the only problem . Wishing you the best of luck and strength to make the choices that are best for you and your baby. X

As a previous HV, maybe text or call your HV and let them know how you were feeling, then at the next visit the HV can ask to see just the parents. I've done this before for a young family when the in law was a little over bearing. I just read the room (and mums face), and said to MIL "ohh its lovely to meet you, but if its ok can we can complete this appointment with just baby and parents". Then mum (and dad) dont feel as bad because it was the HV that booted MIL out 😉